New Blog!

I did decide to create that new blog - the next chapter that the Lord so kindly blessed us with. All future posts will be located at my new blog titled, "The Gift of Eli." www.thegiftofeli.blogspot.com

Eli's Birth Story

Eli Mitchell July 21st, 2012 9:34 am 6 lbs 4 oz 20 1/2 inches And just like that I'm a mama. Yesterday, was my actual due date - but, Eli decided to show up on the scene early(37 1/2 wks)...so I am well into mamahood already! On Friday, July 20th Rob and I took Emily to Red Lobster (her choice) for her birthday dinner. Her birthday is the 21st, but we had her Friday night to Saturday morning as she had plans on her special day! We had the best time. The food was so good (I had a lobster pizza appetizer AND coconut shrimp with mashed potatoes). We were joking a lot about Eli's butt. Talking about how big it must be ... he was moving it a lot during dinner. Looking back on it now, I think Eli wanted to come out early to defend himself :) More often than not when we go out to dinner, Rob and I feel that we're held hostage by the check (this was either a Seinfeld episode...or would have made a great Seinfeld episode). It's like where did the waitress go when we're ready to leave? Did she go home? Is she outside in a car making out with her boyfriend? Seriously, we even ask for the check and they don't come back for the longest time...so annoying. While we were waiting (patiently) for our check to arrive, we were joking about how we should pretend like my water broke and just dine and dash. We would never do that, but it was fun to talk about and it made the time go by as we waited. Rob, Emily and I have talked about this dinner quite a few times since Eli was born. It was like everything led to what happened later that night... Then, we came home from dinner. I had made Emily a heart shaped cake (she loves when I do this). We decided to bring it next door to my parents (it was late, like 8:45pm) so they could help us eat it...plus, more fun for Emily to have more people singing Happy Birthday to her besides her Dad and I. My brother and CJ were there - too. We ate the cake (yum!) and then I heard someone coming thru the front door. For some reason it scared me...I thought some random person was walking into their house. It was Alyssa being dropped off by her Grandpa Jim. Everyone was making fun of me because I got so scared ... they told Alyssa that she was going to scare the Eli out of me!!! Less than 5 mns later, I start picking up the plates off of the table and I feel a gush. I said, "I think my water broke." I started running to the bathroom and it just kept coming...I yelled, "My water broke!". Everyone got up and was running around, all excited. Rob, Emily and Alyssa went next door to get my things. Honestly, it was a perfect situation to be surrounded by family like that. I think they enjoyed it : ) While I was in the bathroom, waiting for Rob to come and get me, I couldn't help but think about how when I go home next it would be with a baby! And, then I was thinking about how I wouldn't see my dogs for a few days and that made me sad. It was such a moment - a little moment - of realizing how life as I knew it would be forever changed. I knew Eli wouldn't be born that night...there was only 3 hrs left to that day and I know babies don't normally come that fast. I told Emily that I was sorry her brother was a birthday thief...he would definitely be born on her birthday! She didn't mind. What are the odds?! Of all days! This is not unusual in my family...I was born on my Dad's birthday and Alyssa was born on my mom's birthday. Got to the hospital and was still only dilated at 2cm. The nurse said if I didn't dilate more by 4am that they were going to induce the labor. At 4am, they did just that. At 5am the contractions started. From 5am-8am I was pretty miserable. At 8am, a nurse came in to do the epidural. This takes awhile and it takes about 30mn to kick in after it's all set. After they did the epidural my contractions got worse. They were surprised that I wasn't feeling the effects of the epidural. I told them that everything got worse since they installed it. The nurse checked me again and I was dilated to a 6. They said it would be awhile longer and they left the room. Right after they left the room, I told Rob that it feels like Eli is ready to come out. I told him that I know my body and my body wants to push the baby out. I made him go get the nurse. She checked me again and was shocked to discover that I was fully dilated and that my body was indeed ready to eject Eli out. Ha! She told me that I was not to push, the Dr. wasn't there yet and she'd get in trouble if I started pushing. She told me to breathe through those contractions. Let me just add how HARD it is to not push when your body really, really wants to push! My Dr. was not on call that weekend. So the Dr. whose weekend it was, came running down the hall yelling, "Don't Push, I'll be right there!). He was Korean and funny and honestly the perfect person to deliver in that moment. The good news about the epidural not kicking in was that I could feel exactly when I needed to push. When thinking about delivering Eli (before I was in that situation) I was always worried about the getting him out part, not the contractions. Actually, it was the opposite for me once I was actually in labor...the contractions were tough, really tough - but, the delivering was not so bad. I got Eli out in two good strong pushes. I couldn't believe it when they told me he was out. I'm all like..."for real, he's out?!" And, "is he ok, are all his parts there?" Silly, silly me! And, then they gave him to me. And, it was all so amazing. I kept thanking the Dr. and the nurses. Thanking them that those darn contractions were over, thanking them that my baby was (finally) safely in my arms. What a journey! What a blessing baby Eli is. We kept him with us that day and through the night. The nurses taught me how to breastfeed. Sunday morning he was circumsised (by same Dr.) and we went home that afternoon! So much to say about being home with Eli, but this post is his birth story - so, we'll leave it at this for now! I'm thinking about starting a new blog. Not because I am over Faith, not because Eli being here has bumped her importance to my life/our life. But, because God gave me a new chapter. Thank you, Lord, for this complete and perfect gift.

Green Lights & God

I told my favorite nurse, Adele, this morning that I feel like God gave me all green lights with this pregnancy. I feel like I did good with my loss and suffering...not perfect...but, good. I honored God, I trusted Him, I deepened my walk with Him. Again, not perfect, nowhere near, but I did good. And, I feel like He took all that I've been through and just gave me the green light pass through this pregnancy. Sure, there were scares in the beginning. There was spotting and then there was a polyp on my cervix that needed removing. And yep, I got a total of 20 shots of progesterone (in my butt, I might add) ... 20 weeks in a row! Lots and lots of Dr. appointments. Eli is an expensive baby. Rob has decent insurance, but they can only take care of so much. With all that being said, this pregnancy has been EASY. I have enjoyed it. I never would have thought that I could have after losing Faith, but God did a good work in me leading up to becoming pregnant so that I could experience that joy (and almost an innocence of never having lost). He is Big, so Big. Today I began my 9th month (week 36). I saw my Dr. this morning and I am dialated 1 1/2 to 2 cm - right where I should be. He said my cervix is nice and soft and based on that believes I will deliver sooner rather than later. Eli is in position for a natural delivery (has been since week 32). Thank you Lord for green lights, but more importantly thank you for all the red lights that brought me here. For it was in the being stopped that I learned to take you in, drink up all that you are, and continue on this amazing journey. Thank you, thank you.

Is this your First?

My least favorite question, the one I always dread, during this pregnancy is this... "Is this your first?" I always have to say yes even though in my heart, Eli is not my first baby. But, I'm not going to make people that I don't know that well and strangers feel bad for asking me if this is my first baby. So, I simply say ... yes. It bothered me so much more in the beginning. I felt like I was betraying baby Faith. Like I was denying that she existed. It took me a long time to be ok about saying my (quiet) yes. God knows, my heart knows, and the people who really matter know. So, that has to be enough. I am 35 weeks pregnant (as of yesterday). 35 weeks!!! It's such a blessing...a total dream come true. Eli and I are safe. That's what 35 weeks feels like. It's the home stretch and we're going all the way. I LOVE, love, LOVE this part of pregnancy. My belly is big, it's obvious there is a baby in there (and not 30 quarter pounders from McDonalds...though they are in there - too) and I feel him moving a lot. He's big, I can tell by his movements... they've definitely changed over these past few weeks. My last ultrasound (week 32) showed that he is in position for a natural birth! I am trying not to freak myself out about labor and delivery. I did deliver Faith so Rob and I do have experience in this (he's a great coach and I'm a warrior when I need to be-ha!)...but, this baby is going to be much bigger! Again, trying not to dwell on that. I know my wanting to see him, so badly, will get me through the fear and pain. I'm going to be a mama in 5 wks (maybe less). I am beyond excited for the opportunity. I didn't know how this would all play out and I am so glad that I blogged about the journey from loss, to lack, to now this ... God is Mighty. I feel Eli moving as I type this. He agrees that God is mighty :) No baby Eli is not my first, but I'll be a better mama to him for it.

3:16

I woke up in the middle of the night (this happens a lot, I am now 32wks pregnant and do a lot of the middle of the night going to the bathroom) and I was so overwhelmed with grief and fear. I felt so worried about the road ahead. I am in such a season of complete BLESSINGS and am enjoying it so much (Praise God), but fear for what is to come in the future strangled me. My parents had to put both of their dogs down last Thursday night and this is the night I felt so sad. So many feelings about life and death and all of it. I prayed to God..."Lord, how will we survive it all...all that is to come?" Anyway, this is going to be a short post. But, it's impact (to me) is SO great that I wanted to remember it. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and looked at the time like I always do when I get up to pee : ) And, the time was 3:16... I knew he was giving me THE verse. The first verse I ever learned (thank you Awanas). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." I have so much to say about my pregnancy, my baby shower, my life...but, what matters most is that verse. He gave us his one and only. Thank you Lord. You always answer when I come to you with my whole heart. Thank you.

Hello Week 22 ...

... we have not met before!

Being on the other side of week 21 feels amazing. I know that a pregnancy is not truly safe until you are holding your precious baby in your arms, but for me getting here was such a journey and I do feel safe, I do feel protected.

Last week I had a lot of moments of depression wash over me. I would be fine and then suddenly 'woosh' I instantly felt so incredibly sad. My body could not help but relive losing Faith. The strangest thing, I was so unwell Friday night. I had this tightness in my stomach, I felt completely afraid and cried myself to sleep. Later, I thought about how I had delivered Faith on the Friday night of the 21st week. I truly think that unconsciously my entire being knew it was the point that I had lost my last baby.

I had to learn that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is getting up. Courage is trusting that once you begin walking through something that you can and will get to the other side. My Lord gives me courage. But, I had to get up. I had to start walking. He doesn't do that part. But, he strengthens me with each step.

I think that many people make the mistake that once you choose to believe in God and give your life to Him that everything should magically become easy. Everything will come to you without work and without pain. But, I have to say that it's the opposite. It's the narrow path and if you can picture yourself fitting through something narrow you have to release 'stuff' in order to get through. You can't take it all with you on the journey. It's more about releasing than carrying. I think that Christ wants to empty us out so that we can truly know that all we need is Him.

I do not think that God made me lose baby Faith. I do think he allowed it. Not because He is cruel or uncaring, but because He loves me. He truly gave me a cross to bear. Something to suffer for. It is in the suffering that we are most empty. I made a choice when our baby died. I chose Him. I chose to seek in a way that I never had before. I could have stayed depressed. I could have been angry and focus on the unfairness of it all (and of course, I had moments where I let myself be angry and feel that it was unfair...it's healthy to feel all your feelings about something, but not to let them take over). Because I got up, because I started walking...he met me. He was present in the loss, in the suffering and now in this new life forming inside of me. I did not know that I would become pregnant again. And, I do not only Praise God because I am pregnant again. I have praised him throughout. He is good. He is mighty to save and when He took, He gave more than I could have imagined.

Happiness Is ...

my home smelling like freshly baked brownies & the perfect candle.
being caught up on the dishes & the laundry.
sleeping dogs sprawled out on the living room floor - exhausted from playing too hard.
country music coming from the kitchen radio.
catching a glimpse of a cardinal or woodpecker in the front yard (neither stay in one place too long).
a husband who makes life easier and loves me in all my imperfection.
friends who really do care.
seeing flowers in full bloom that weren't there yesterday.
the wonder of a baby boy moving around inside of me.
opening the windows in the house and letting the fresh air in.
scribblers popsicles.
being ok with myself, not because I've reached my highest self, but because I have learned (finally) to just be.
knowing that God does have a plan for my life and truly being able to trust Him.