Loved by God

God is most near in our suffering. Yes, he is always near...but, I always feel him the most in my pain. Sunday was actually a perfect day. It's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we lost our baby girl. 2 years!!! Sunday morning I sat out on the swing that is in our front yard. The swing that is hanging from the strong oak tree. The swing that has always been hanging from that tree my entire life (or as far as I can remember). I noticed a beautiful orange & black butterfly on a nearby tree and went to look at it. I then realized there were 3 of them, the exact same kind. I watched as the butterflies flew straight into a swarm of bees who were eating some kind of tree sap. The bees actually left and the butterflies took over. I would have expected it to be the opposite. I felt like God was showing me something about life. The butterflies to me have always symbolized hope...and hope is gentle and fragile. But, hope is also incredibly strong. Even in the midst of a swarm of stinging bees!

We took Emily and her friend Cierra out to breakfast (I LOVE going out to breakfast, it's my favorite) and then made our annual trip to Menards so that I could purchase something for Faith's garden. My way of honoring her each year. It helps me to honor her existence. It helps me to heal. Anyway, the moment I saw the glass bird bath I knew that was it. There is a picture of it in my last post. The orange and black butterflies from that morning, the yellow butterfly who loves my hisop plant that I have many pictures of and then my blue dragonfly that I saw a few weeks ago when I was prayed over by Rob's mom, aunt and cousin (I could write an entire post about that experience).

The day continued to go well...I have never seen so many baby butterflies and a baby dragonfly. It was so strange (yet not) how everything was miniature...baby size. We did a lot of yard work that day and Emily at one point was like, "Kris, there are 5 butterflies following you." I felt so peaceful and so loved by God all day long.

Later on that night I had a really cool moment. The first thing you should know is that my Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. When she was dying at my aunt Margie's home, there was a hummingbird that was outside of her window constantly. The second thing you should know is that I NEVER see hummingbirds-ever. Around 5:00 that evening I just wanted a moment to myself so I went outside on the porch. I didn't end up putting the bird bath in the garden because it's too fragile so I put it near our front porch so we could enjoy its beauty each day. The next thing I know there is a hummingbird at my bird bath, a few short feet from me! I knew within my entire being that bird, at that exact moment, at my bird bath for Faith, was a gift from heaven.

True Faith is not needing the signs, but God knows when his children are down and he will "throw us a bone" (for lack of better wording) every now and then. I really felt that everything is alright. No matter how my baby journey goes, everything is as it should be.

I don't want a baby to make me whole. Wholeness, I continue to learn, can only come through knowing God. I want a baby because I have a lot of love to give and I think that Rob and I could really do great with raising a child together. And, I really, really hope that we are given that opportunity. But, I'll never make the mistake of thinking that anything (not even another person) can fill those empty places inside of me. God is the great void filler. God is everything.

Today, I am so grateful for the people in my life, the nature that surrounds me and most of all the hope that there is more than we see here.

A Poem for Faith

Sunday, August 22nd marked the 2 year anniversary of Faith going to heaven. I was inspired to write a poem, through many tears, this year as well.

Another year has passed
and I've shed less tears than the year before,
but somehow I'm stuck here waiting patiently
at this unopened door.
I've often wondered which hurts worse
the losing you
or the dream that has yet to come true.

I know that you reside in a better place
I know that someday I'll be blessed
to see your sweet face.

But, I'm here now
with Earth being my current home
and I long to hold a baby
that I can call my own.

I know you understand
that I have love to give
I know you understand
that in my heart
you'll always be my first kid.

Becoming Un-Blocked

Today I am going to get acupuncture done. I've been struggling BIG, lately...feeling anxious, afraid, fearful, hopeless. I can function well on the outside, I've always been good at that - but, inside it is clear that I am "unwell." I have had opportunities to master picking myself up, I will always pick myself up. I refuse to give in to these feelings (I am sure the Devil has been enjoying the spot I've been in).
One morning I was driving to work and I prayed to God to help me with these awful feelings that have been so incredibly strong. I really felt that they were taking a hold of me, strangling me. I told Him that I don't want to take anything for what has felt a lot like depression. I told Him that I want Him to come in and eject that crap right out of me. I want Him to be the one to transform my insides. Nothing else. Him alone. When you go to God whole-heartedly, He always responds because you are giving Him a really good environment to work in. That day that I prayed, he used someone that I hardly knew to pray over me. This person felt prompted to pray over me for peace (the opposite of being depressed). He used a person that I wasn't even sure about because He really wanted me to know it was Him working through her.
In addition to praying for help, I later prayed specifically for a path. I feel like there is something keeping me from becoming pregnant. I feel blocked. I can't explain it other than I am very in tune with my feelings and I just feel off balance inside my body. The day I prayed for a path, I talked in depth to Aunt Margie about her chiropractor who also does acupuncture (I've been researching this). Next thing you know I am on the phone with this Dr. (who by the way knew and loved my Grandma) and she is telling me how she has helped people who had trouble conceiving and also people who have had issues keeping their babies. SOLD!!! Stick needles in me lady, I'm not scared : ) I really think that the longer it takes to become pregnant, the harder my life gets. I do feel at peace with the loss (as much as I possibly can), but what I find to not be peaceful is the fact that everywhere I turn everyone has their own families. Mostly all of my cousins and friends have children of their own. I love my family, but I find myself dreading family get togethers. I really don't want to feel that way. We took Emily to the Dells for her 10th birthday recently and we really had a nice time, but I came home feeling worse! I didn't realize how affected I would be by the family waterpark we stayed at. I am sure I wasn't the only one there without kids of their own, but it sure seemed like it. This probably all sounds like self-pity, but it's not...I let myself feel down, and then I work through it. That is life. I won't ever just suck it up. I will feel, I will hurt, I will cry until I can't cry anymore. But, I will never ever give up. I will never give in to the sadness. I truly desire to be a vessel of God's love and how can I do that if I'm all sad and poor me?! So today I am fighting back. Today I am getting poked with needles so I can become unblocked and get on a different sort of path...one that hopefully involves having a baby of my own. I love all of these kids around me. They make me so happy. But, I really just want to be someone's mommy. I really just want that. Roxy is tired of me suffocating her. She is an animal. Poor girl :)

The Grass Is Greener...

...wherever you water it (and pull the weeds).

People often make the mistake of thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side." I know that I have been guilty of having that mentality in the past. I read a quote once that said the "grass is greener wherever you water it." That has really stuck with me...I added in the pulling the weeds part. Our life is definitely a garden. It requires (daily) maintenance, it requires patience, it requires pulling the weeds and nurturing the flowers. It is work. It is beautiful.

The pics are a glimpse of my actual garden which basically reflects where I am at. Looks like I need to do some serious weeding : )


On Monday, I am starting a 4 week boot camp program in our Fitness Studio that my sis-in-law, Monica, has put together. I am nervous and excited, but more than anything I am ready to reclaim feeling powerful.

My Kid

I've told Rob many times that if having kids together isn't in the cards for us (obviously praying for it to be in the cards) that I would really love 5 more of these. I LOVE my doggy.

Never Alone

The good news is that I ordered a laptop yesterday and will have it sometime next week! The bad news is it's hard to find internet service in the "back woods." But, sounds like it's between basic DSL through AT&T and Cricket. Going to do some further investigating. Once I have that in place I feel like I'll be better connected. I can blog and keep in touch with my people!

Been spending a lot of time with family the past few weeks... and holy babies! There are a lot of new babies in my life right now and I can't believe how unraveled I feel. The truth is I just haven't been spending the time with the one who makes everything better...and that always shows by how I feel inside. I have felt so anxious and worried, lots of fear circulating around in there! I found a one year bible at my parents and took it home and on the 4th of July started reading it. I learned that you don't even have to understand it for the magic to begin. Where I started is complicated and has all those names of who belongs to who. But, each night before bed I make myself read. Little things have began occurring and I won't write them all, but one that made me cry yesterday was this...we had a new client come in the salon and she filled out the new client form. There is a spot at the bottom to write who referred them...and the lady wrote that she knew my Grandma. She did not know that I was related (of course I told her once I saw what she wrote)...but seeing my Grandma's name on that line literally made me cry. I told the lady it was just so nice to see my Grandma's name. After she walked away I felt this presence ... it was quiet, and I just felt Her. I knew without a doubt that little moment was a gift from God. A little nudge to let me know that I am not alone with my feelings of sadness. I am never alone.

Recipe For a Happy Home

"Begin with love and lots of caring. Add some trust, enough for sharing. You'll need forgiveness to make it right and plenty of laughter to keep it light.

Stir in some patience to bind it together. With understanding it holds even better. Add hugs and I love yous wherever you will, then pour on some praise but don't overfill.

Stir very lightly, leave room to grow. Don't bother with lumps, they won't even show. Spread on the topping of genuine pleasure. Your happy home will be a treasure forever."

Thank you Kathleen for the beautiful plate, it's located on the wall next to Grandma's hutch. It contains a recipe that I will always keep close to my heart.
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I've always wondered when I would finally "feel like a woman." Like when will I actually not feel like such a kid anymore?! I am 31 after all... I thought maybe once I had kids the shift would happen, but actually I figured it out this week. Feeling like a woman is when you cook dinner for your family (most nights) and keep the house in good operating condition. I feel organized, I feel "together," I feel that yes I CAN actually cook after all. Damn...I feel like a woman! Ha!