Hello Week 22 ...

... we have not met before!

Being on the other side of week 21 feels amazing. I know that a pregnancy is not truly safe until you are holding your precious baby in your arms, but for me getting here was such a journey and I do feel safe, I do feel protected.

Last week I had a lot of moments of depression wash over me. I would be fine and then suddenly 'woosh' I instantly felt so incredibly sad. My body could not help but relive losing Faith. The strangest thing, I was so unwell Friday night. I had this tightness in my stomach, I felt completely afraid and cried myself to sleep. Later, I thought about how I had delivered Faith on the Friday night of the 21st week. I truly think that unconsciously my entire being knew it was the point that I had lost my last baby.

I had to learn that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is getting up. Courage is trusting that once you begin walking through something that you can and will get to the other side. My Lord gives me courage. But, I had to get up. I had to start walking. He doesn't do that part. But, he strengthens me with each step.

I think that many people make the mistake that once you choose to believe in God and give your life to Him that everything should magically become easy. Everything will come to you without work and without pain. But, I have to say that it's the opposite. It's the narrow path and if you can picture yourself fitting through something narrow you have to release 'stuff' in order to get through. You can't take it all with you on the journey. It's more about releasing than carrying. I think that Christ wants to empty us out so that we can truly know that all we need is Him.

I do not think that God made me lose baby Faith. I do think he allowed it. Not because He is cruel or uncaring, but because He loves me. He truly gave me a cross to bear. Something to suffer for. It is in the suffering that we are most empty. I made a choice when our baby died. I chose Him. I chose to seek in a way that I never had before. I could have stayed depressed. I could have been angry and focus on the unfairness of it all (and of course, I had moments where I let myself be angry and feel that it was unfair...it's healthy to feel all your feelings about something, but not to let them take over). Because I got up, because I started walking...he met me. He was present in the loss, in the suffering and now in this new life forming inside of me. I did not know that I would become pregnant again. And, I do not only Praise God because I am pregnant again. I have praised him throughout. He is good. He is mighty to save and when He took, He gave more than I could have imagined.

Happiness Is ...

my home smelling like freshly baked brownies & the perfect candle.
being caught up on the dishes & the laundry.
sleeping dogs sprawled out on the living room floor - exhausted from playing too hard.
country music coming from the kitchen radio.
catching a glimpse of a cardinal or woodpecker in the front yard (neither stay in one place too long).
a husband who makes life easier and loves me in all my imperfection.
friends who really do care.
seeing flowers in full bloom that weren't there yesterday.
the wonder of a baby boy moving around inside of me.
opening the windows in the house and letting the fresh air in.
scribblers popsicles.
being ok with myself, not because I've reached my highest self, but because I have learned (finally) to just be.
knowing that God does have a plan for my life and truly being able to trust Him.

My Shield

Memorizing a verse from the Bible is like having a shield in your pocket. There is nothing stronger than God's word. After we lost our baby, someone gave me an index card with Joshua 1:9 on it. She told me it got her through a similar hard time.

This is the verse that I have been hanging on to (some days easily, some days for dear life) during this entire pregnancy. This is the verse that will see me through to holding baby Eli. I have it written on a small piece of paper in my bathroom so that I can see it every morning while I am getting ready for my day. On the days when I am feeling anxious, fearful, worried (about anything) - I say this verse out loud. There is something powerful about saying God's word out loud ... even if you're by yourself, blowdrying your hair :) He is the center and bringing my perspective back to that center (rather than letting my fear take over and control me) is the key to transforming my world.

Today I started week 21. Oh, week 21 how I have longed to get to you, get past you - and still have my baby inside of me.

My shield is up. My Lord is with me. I am strong and courageous. I am not terrified nor discouraged. I KNOW He is with me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

His Timing

I've questioned His timing over the years. I tried not to linger with that questioning for too long. I needed Him to know that I do have Faith...in Him, in what is meant to be for my life - for others lives.

I lost a baby girl (Faith Marie) at 21 weeks, August 22nd 2008. It hurt. I've wrote about it. I've talked about it. I've cried about it. I've been depressed about it. He gave me time to heal. Looking back now, I see that I needed that time. He knew all along. I held on to Him. Sometimes I found the holding on easy, other times I felt like I only had a small piece of Him and my grip was loose.

You see today I am 20 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I honestly had got to the point where I thought maybe having kids wasn't part of the plan for me. I couldn't imagine not having children of my own, but who am I to know God's path?

After 3 years and 3 months since 'losing' Faith, I became pregnant. Right after Nanny passed away. The timing felt good. For my mom (Nanny was her mother), for us, for my family.

I'm seeing a high risk group. I'm at the Drs. office every week (beginning at week 16). So far all is well. They are taking extra measures so that I do not go into pre-term labor again.

I do have a peace surrounding me that can only come through knowing the Lord. I have moments of fear that wash over me, but I know where to place them...in His hands. He doesn't mind. He's much bigger than me. Being pregnant is much easier than I imagined. I did not think I would be this calm about it. This trusting. This shows me how far I've walked. I am stepping out in Faith. Each morning, I read my daily devotional and think about God and how He has blessed Rob and I with this gift. Oh, and what a gift our baby is and will be! I only let myself see the end result...a baby that we can raise, together. A sweet little boy who will love dogs and 4-wheelers and tromping through the woods. Blonde, maybe. Freckles, maybe. The fun part is we have no idea. We just know he is in there, growing...becoming. And, He will be. Here.

Eli Mitchell is set to be born around August 7th. I already told him he is not allowed to show up on the scene much sooner than that!

I've always loved the name Eli and Mitchell was Grandma H's maiden name.

Praise God. I praise Him for this journey (and what a journey it has been).

Stop!

Sometimes I need to be stopped. I walk too fast, I can't help myself. Places to go, things to do. Ha! I have a running to do list in my head constantly. The other day I had a moment of feeling like my life is turning into something to be checked off a list. Put it on the list, check it off. It's become an exhausting, joyless habit. It made me sad thinking about it. Soon after, I was out 'doing my life', checking things off of my list and suddenly I got stopped. And, I literally laughed out loud...in my car, by myself. I believe God has a huge sense of humor!

I know in my heart that God did not intend for us to judge ourselves by how much we can accomplish. It's the whole Martha/Mary scenario. Martha was sooooo busy when Jesus came for a visit. And, she judged herself by that (thinking she was right to be busy)and she judged others by their lack of being busy. Mary sat at His feet and He was pleased with her. This is such a picture for me! I know God wants me to just stop and enjoy his presence. To value myself the way that He values me...and that has everything to do with being and not so much to do with doing!!!

Happy Birthday, Molly!

My sock stealin', shoe chewin', bone hidin', always havin' to go outside, Roxy ear bitin', acts like she's starvin', rollin' in fox poo, crazy little girl turned one yesterday!

Her energy is boundless, her lovin' is timeless. She is super fun, mega annoying, and fills such a void in my heart.

I could hug her and spank her all at the same time. She is good and she is bad and she has been everything I needed this past year.

Happy Birthday to my sweet, Molly.

Nanny

On November 8th, my Grandmother (whom we called Nanny) passed away. My Mother had been care taking for her since last December. They moved her from her home in Michigan. Another plus to living next door to my parents is that I got to spend a lot of time with Nanny after years of only seeing her a handful of times each year.
Last November she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease at age 77. It seemed as if she had a mini stroke, her speech was a tad slurred and she just seemed a little different. Finally, she went to Mayo clinic and they figured out what she had. It was such a shock to our family. Nanny was such an active woman. She could do anything from paint a room to lay flooring. She enjoyed gardening more than anything. She loved walking and having coffee with her friends. She had such high energy! It was interesting to watch her decline. Sad, of course! But, interesting because even until the end she was my smiling, loving, hugging Nanny. The disease could not take that from her. She was on a feeding tube and was unable to talk for such a long time. That seemed to happen so quickly. I was not with her the early morning that she passed, but I was with her the entire day prior. She had went into a coma state that weekend. It was as if her spirit had already left and her body was just there. I do not fear death like I used to. I have been so near to death with all my grandparents (Nanny was my last grandparent to go). It's amazing that beauty can be found in watching someone breathe their last breaths. I suppose I can only feel this way because I believe in God and life beyond this. Loss is never easy. There are so many times where I've wanted to shout to the world...STOP, someone I love has died!!! But, as Robert Frost said..."In 3 words I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on." We are meant to keep moving. And, as I like to believe - moving towards the light.
This picture was taken by me with my cell phone the morning of Nanny's funeral in Escanaba, Michigan.