Green Lights & God

I told my favorite nurse, Adele, this morning that I feel like God gave me all green lights with this pregnancy. I feel like I did good with my loss and suffering...not perfect...but, good. I honored God, I trusted Him, I deepened my walk with Him. Again, not perfect, nowhere near, but I did good. And, I feel like He took all that I've been through and just gave me the green light pass through this pregnancy. Sure, there were scares in the beginning. There was spotting and then there was a polyp on my cervix that needed removing. And yep, I got a total of 20 shots of progesterone (in my butt, I might add) ... 20 weeks in a row! Lots and lots of Dr. appointments. Eli is an expensive baby. Rob has decent insurance, but they can only take care of so much. With all that being said, this pregnancy has been EASY. I have enjoyed it. I never would have thought that I could have after losing Faith, but God did a good work in me leading up to becoming pregnant so that I could experience that joy (and almost an innocence of never having lost). He is Big, so Big. Today I began my 9th month (week 36). I saw my Dr. this morning and I am dialated 1 1/2 to 2 cm - right where I should be. He said my cervix is nice and soft and based on that believes I will deliver sooner rather than later. Eli is in position for a natural delivery (has been since week 32). Thank you Lord for green lights, but more importantly thank you for all the red lights that brought me here. For it was in the being stopped that I learned to take you in, drink up all that you are, and continue on this amazing journey. Thank you, thank you.

Is this your First?

My least favorite question, the one I always dread, during this pregnancy is this... "Is this your first?" I always have to say yes even though in my heart, Eli is not my first baby. But, I'm not going to make people that I don't know that well and strangers feel bad for asking me if this is my first baby. So, I simply say ... yes. It bothered me so much more in the beginning. I felt like I was betraying baby Faith. Like I was denying that she existed. It took me a long time to be ok about saying my (quiet) yes. God knows, my heart knows, and the people who really matter know. So, that has to be enough. I am 35 weeks pregnant (as of yesterday). 35 weeks!!! It's such a blessing...a total dream come true. Eli and I are safe. That's what 35 weeks feels like. It's the home stretch and we're going all the way. I LOVE, love, LOVE this part of pregnancy. My belly is big, it's obvious there is a baby in there (and not 30 quarter pounders from McDonalds...though they are in there - too) and I feel him moving a lot. He's big, I can tell by his movements... they've definitely changed over these past few weeks. My last ultrasound (week 32) showed that he is in position for a natural birth! I am trying not to freak myself out about labor and delivery. I did deliver Faith so Rob and I do have experience in this (he's a great coach and I'm a warrior when I need to be-ha!)...but, this baby is going to be much bigger! Again, trying not to dwell on that. I know my wanting to see him, so badly, will get me through the fear and pain. I'm going to be a mama in 5 wks (maybe less). I am beyond excited for the opportunity. I didn't know how this would all play out and I am so glad that I blogged about the journey from loss, to lack, to now this ... God is Mighty. I feel Eli moving as I type this. He agrees that God is mighty :) No baby Eli is not my first, but I'll be a better mama to him for it.

3:16

I woke up in the middle of the night (this happens a lot, I am now 32wks pregnant and do a lot of the middle of the night going to the bathroom) and I was so overwhelmed with grief and fear. I felt so worried about the road ahead. I am in such a season of complete BLESSINGS and am enjoying it so much (Praise God), but fear for what is to come in the future strangled me. My parents had to put both of their dogs down last Thursday night and this is the night I felt so sad. So many feelings about life and death and all of it. I prayed to God..."Lord, how will we survive it all...all that is to come?" Anyway, this is going to be a short post. But, it's impact (to me) is SO great that I wanted to remember it. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and looked at the time like I always do when I get up to pee : ) And, the time was 3:16... I knew he was giving me THE verse. The first verse I ever learned (thank you Awanas). John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." I have so much to say about my pregnancy, my baby shower, my life...but, what matters most is that verse. He gave us his one and only. Thank you Lord. You always answer when I come to you with my whole heart. Thank you.

Hello Week 22 ...

... we have not met before!

Being on the other side of week 21 feels amazing. I know that a pregnancy is not truly safe until you are holding your precious baby in your arms, but for me getting here was such a journey and I do feel safe, I do feel protected.

Last week I had a lot of moments of depression wash over me. I would be fine and then suddenly 'woosh' I instantly felt so incredibly sad. My body could not help but relive losing Faith. The strangest thing, I was so unwell Friday night. I had this tightness in my stomach, I felt completely afraid and cried myself to sleep. Later, I thought about how I had delivered Faith on the Friday night of the 21st week. I truly think that unconsciously my entire being knew it was the point that I had lost my last baby.

I had to learn that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is getting up. Courage is trusting that once you begin walking through something that you can and will get to the other side. My Lord gives me courage. But, I had to get up. I had to start walking. He doesn't do that part. But, he strengthens me with each step.

I think that many people make the mistake that once you choose to believe in God and give your life to Him that everything should magically become easy. Everything will come to you without work and without pain. But, I have to say that it's the opposite. It's the narrow path and if you can picture yourself fitting through something narrow you have to release 'stuff' in order to get through. You can't take it all with you on the journey. It's more about releasing than carrying. I think that Christ wants to empty us out so that we can truly know that all we need is Him.

I do not think that God made me lose baby Faith. I do think he allowed it. Not because He is cruel or uncaring, but because He loves me. He truly gave me a cross to bear. Something to suffer for. It is in the suffering that we are most empty. I made a choice when our baby died. I chose Him. I chose to seek in a way that I never had before. I could have stayed depressed. I could have been angry and focus on the unfairness of it all (and of course, I had moments where I let myself be angry and feel that it was unfair...it's healthy to feel all your feelings about something, but not to let them take over). Because I got up, because I started walking...he met me. He was present in the loss, in the suffering and now in this new life forming inside of me. I did not know that I would become pregnant again. And, I do not only Praise God because I am pregnant again. I have praised him throughout. He is good. He is mighty to save and when He took, He gave more than I could have imagined.

Happiness Is ...

my home smelling like freshly baked brownies & the perfect candle.
being caught up on the dishes & the laundry.
sleeping dogs sprawled out on the living room floor - exhausted from playing too hard.
country music coming from the kitchen radio.
catching a glimpse of a cardinal or woodpecker in the front yard (neither stay in one place too long).
a husband who makes life easier and loves me in all my imperfection.
friends who really do care.
seeing flowers in full bloom that weren't there yesterday.
the wonder of a baby boy moving around inside of me.
opening the windows in the house and letting the fresh air in.
scribblers popsicles.
being ok with myself, not because I've reached my highest self, but because I have learned (finally) to just be.
knowing that God does have a plan for my life and truly being able to trust Him.

My Shield

Memorizing a verse from the Bible is like having a shield in your pocket. There is nothing stronger than God's word. After we lost our baby, someone gave me an index card with Joshua 1:9 on it. She told me it got her through a similar hard time.

This is the verse that I have been hanging on to (some days easily, some days for dear life) during this entire pregnancy. This is the verse that will see me through to holding baby Eli. I have it written on a small piece of paper in my bathroom so that I can see it every morning while I am getting ready for my day. On the days when I am feeling anxious, fearful, worried (about anything) - I say this verse out loud. There is something powerful about saying God's word out loud ... even if you're by yourself, blowdrying your hair :) He is the center and bringing my perspective back to that center (rather than letting my fear take over and control me) is the key to transforming my world.

Today I started week 21. Oh, week 21 how I have longed to get to you, get past you - and still have my baby inside of me.

My shield is up. My Lord is with me. I am strong and courageous. I am not terrified nor discouraged. I KNOW He is with me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

His Timing

I've questioned His timing over the years. I tried not to linger with that questioning for too long. I needed Him to know that I do have Faith...in Him, in what is meant to be for my life - for others lives.

I lost a baby girl (Faith Marie) at 21 weeks, August 22nd 2008. It hurt. I've wrote about it. I've talked about it. I've cried about it. I've been depressed about it. He gave me time to heal. Looking back now, I see that I needed that time. He knew all along. I held on to Him. Sometimes I found the holding on easy, other times I felt like I only had a small piece of Him and my grip was loose.

You see today I am 20 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I honestly had got to the point where I thought maybe having kids wasn't part of the plan for me. I couldn't imagine not having children of my own, but who am I to know God's path?

After 3 years and 3 months since 'losing' Faith, I became pregnant. Right after Nanny passed away. The timing felt good. For my mom (Nanny was her mother), for us, for my family.

I'm seeing a high risk group. I'm at the Drs. office every week (beginning at week 16). So far all is well. They are taking extra measures so that I do not go into pre-term labor again.

I do have a peace surrounding me that can only come through knowing the Lord. I have moments of fear that wash over me, but I know where to place them...in His hands. He doesn't mind. He's much bigger than me. Being pregnant is much easier than I imagined. I did not think I would be this calm about it. This trusting. This shows me how far I've walked. I am stepping out in Faith. Each morning, I read my daily devotional and think about God and how He has blessed Rob and I with this gift. Oh, and what a gift our baby is and will be! I only let myself see the end result...a baby that we can raise, together. A sweet little boy who will love dogs and 4-wheelers and tromping through the woods. Blonde, maybe. Freckles, maybe. The fun part is we have no idea. We just know he is in there, growing...becoming. And, He will be. Here.

Eli Mitchell is set to be born around August 7th. I already told him he is not allowed to show up on the scene much sooner than that!

I've always loved the name Eli and Mitchell was Grandma H's maiden name.

Praise God. I praise Him for this journey (and what a journey it has been).