I'm Not 21 Anymore

This has been a full weekend. Saturday was our work Christmas party. I learned this weekend that I am clearly not 21 anymore! Ha! We had such a nice dinner and the staff was beyond generous...they gave Rob and I a weekend away to that lovely little spot in Port Washington. I feel extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life on a daily basis. I am looking forward to planning that weekend away. I realized after we went the last time how we really need to be conscious of taking the time for each other...away from it all.
After dinner a bunch of us went out and stayed out until the place we were at made us leave. I think that I am still tired. I'm 31 ... not 21. And, there is a HUGE difference.

Sunday, Rob and I took Emily to her swimming lessons (she swims at the highschool that Rob and I graduated from which is really cool)...she is such a good swimmer. I enjoy watching her. Then, we went to see Avatar in 3D. I loved it!!! I have never seen a movie in 3D before, it was awesome, though it took some getting used to...not sure if that was related to my big night out the previous evening :)

This is going to be a busy week in my corner of the world. Lots to do with my chamber event coming up this weekend. Looking forward to it, but will mostly be glad when it is done. I'm just ready to put my time and energy elsewhere.

Next Monday, I have an appointment with a different Doctor who comes highly recommended by many people that I know. I have gone to the same "girl" Doctor forever, but I decided that a change of scenery might do me some good. Switching hospitals and everything. I don't want to be the girl that lost her baby anymore...I want to be the woman who is going to (someday) have a baby.

Butterfly

I am a deep thinker. Always pondering something (more like 'lots of somethings').
I think a lot about God and how to describe him to people that have not actually experienced Him. I would say that mostly everyone I know believes in God, but a lot of them have not come to know Him personally. I want to help make him tangible for others the way that he has become tangible to me.

Reading the bible to come to know God and what He is all about is huge. And, confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, and asking Jesus into your heart is the ultimate! I do believe that the more people come to understand God (through reading his word, going to church, conversations with others) they can have moments with Him. Moments of true knowing.

As much as I know that Grandma is in a better place, and that she lived a good long life - the fact that she is physically not here has been harder on me than I ever could have imagined. I felt more protected when she was here (she prayed for all of us every single day). I know that when people hear that your Grandparent died that they immediately think of age and how it was time and all of that. But, the fact is she played a huge role in my life. Still does. Always will. Last night, I stayed up late just missing her. I wasn't feeling that good about a lot of things in those moments of thinking of her. We all have those times where you just feel the lack in your life... even though you know how much you are blessed with.

This afternoon, I met my parents, my aunt, and her co-worker for lunch. It was one of those spontaneous times of gathering. When the waitress brought the bill, I happened to look at her - to really take her in. And, I noticed that she was wearing
a butterfly pin. I recently came into ownership of that exact same pin ... it was my Grandma's. I have never seen another one like it until today. I felt a peacefulness wash over me. I felt Grandma's presence in that itty bitty moment of time...and once again I really felt that God was near.

It's these tangible God moments that I want to share with those that are struggling to believe in and know God. God is real. God is ever present.

Keeping Hope

I have always loved the poet, Emily Dickinson. She was such a lonely (socially) girl, but what thoughts on life she had! For as social as I am, there has always been that part of me that feels lonely. I'm guessing all of us have that, it's part of being human. Even when you fill yourself up with God, there is just that lonely human aspect about life here on Earth.

As much as things are going well, I still feel disjointed. Rob and I talked last night about having children and our true feelings on the subject. We haven't opened up to each other about what happened in quite awhile though we both think about it more often than not.

What it came down to, is that of course we still want to have children - and the longer it takes for it to happen the more we're finding that we're becoming unsure (afraid, really) about it. We both wanted the child we were going to have. It's hard to move completely past that. But, one thing that holds true is that we have to maintain our hope. If we are without hope then we have nothing.

I recently bought a beautiful, decorative, hanging plaque that has the beginning of one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems written on it.

HOPE is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul.

This morning, I am praying for that hope to stay put. To not fly away, but to grab hold of Rob and I tightly and never let us go.

Tea Time

The not having cable and internet is going along interestingly. Rob and I have worked out 3x's this week. We came to workout tonight and both of us ended up in different rooms on the internet. Ha! I think we'll actually keep up on our workouts so that we can watch t.v. Hey, whatever motivates - right?! On a serious note what I miss most is this blog. I didn't realize how much I need to write until I couldn't. This post is a treat after working out on the treadmill for over 30 minutes.

It's been a nice weekend. Today, Rob's mom, Nancy, myself & Emily went to Infinitea. It's a restaurant that specializes in tea. We did the royal treatment which consists of choosing from about 50 different teas to drink throughout your meal. It was good quality visit. Working on putting memories into our memory box! After Grandma passed I learned how important it was to have real quality time with your loved ones. It's nice to have those to hold on to. I always forget my camera though. I need to work on that. The posts with pictures are always more fun!

Going to be busy the next few weeks. This coming weekend we're having our work Christmas party...we always do it well after the holidays since that is such a hectic time for everyone. We'll got out for a nice dinner and drinks and a bunch of us will go out afterwards and stay out much too late. I am looking forward to the night out. Also, I am the chairperson for our Chamber's Annual Installation (of officers)Dinner which is taking place on January 30th. The theme is baseball and we're pretty excited about that since our town is going to soon be getting a minor league baseball team!!! We have a lot to wrap up between now and then.

All in all, things are going along well. I am proud of Rob and I for starting the New Year out the way we wanted to. One day at a time ...

Step By Step

Rob and I have officially added a fitness routine to our healthy eating plan. Last night we worked out in our fit studio when I got off of work. All I had to do was change clothes and walk downstairs. It's ridiculous that I don't take advantage of this. I could list excuses, but what it comes down to is making a commitment to that healthy lifestyle that Rob and I dreamed about when our love began.

My sister in law, Monica, who manages our fitness area was working and Rob got some personal training attention. It was so great. There were quite a few people working out at the time...they all happened to be female and we were all getting a kick out of Monica telling Rob to lay on the floor and do pushups! He is such a good sport. And, he did admit later that he enjoyed being pushed.

So, it's safe to say that we are actually moving full steam ahead. I've always known that Rob and I are the type of people that need to be in constant motion. We always need to be working towards something in order to feel good about ourselves and our life. I think that is why the past year and a half has been so rough for us...we were on a path and then we got seriously derailed.

I read a quote recently that said,
"It takes guts to leave the ruts." I think that he and I needed time to heal and the not making things happen was okay for that season of our life. But, I am happy to report that we have officially hit a new season. We are shedding the rut and the beauty is that we are doing it together. The way I always imagined our marriage to be.

Sacrifice

I first have to start by saying how very American it is of me that our sacrifice that I am so nervous about this morning is nothing compared to sacrifices that people in other countries have to make every single day of their lives just to survive.

Rob and I have canceled our internet and cable. The comcast guy is coming between 8-11am, today. Which means this post may very well get interrupted by a complete shutdown. I'm typing fast...

We have talked about doing this a number of times, but just haven't felt "ready." Then, Rob started putting more money into a retirement fund this year, we are having a certain percentage of his check go automatically into our savings (saving off the top is the only way for us), Emily got braces, she is playing an expensive band instrument (the clarinet) and then there is our needing to sell our house (praying to come out ahead) and officially buy Grandma's. We had to cut back somewhere...it's the smart thing to do. It's not just about the money for us though. We have a lot of things that need accomplishing early this year. We need to have a productive winter to make it all work out.

It's not that we live on the internet or watch too much t.v., but I feel nervous because the second I need to look something up ... I can't. And, the fact that the only t.v show that we love starts its new season tomorrow! I just laughed when I heard that.

I know we may need time to go through detox (I can feel my hands shaking as a I type)....detoxification of what are culture has gotten completely used to (and dependent upon)...the ability to have instant everything! Instant information, instant numbness in watching a show that makes you forget about your life for a whole half hour.

I can just hear my ancestors shaking their heads.

Plan B

Friday night Rob and I went on a double date with his parents. We had pizza at their house from a really great pizza place and then went to the movies to see Blindside. I looooove going to the movies, especially when it's a movie that I'm excited to see. It was inspiring! It's been really making me think about if I am someone that is capable of adoption. Not because I think that we won't have children of our own, but I'm the type of person that likes to think about "what I would do if..." whatever that IF might be. All I know is that I have a lot of love to give and the idea of not having children of my own has always been something I couldn't even think about without feeling sick. Again, this is not me not trusting God to provide ... but, sometimes His providing doesn't look like the picture I asked for. And, it's becoming more clear that there are a lot of kids out there who need someone to love them.

In this season of waiting I'm learning some important things about life. One is that life is unfair and imperfect. Another is that life is beautiful and perfect according to God's will. I really don't know what He has in store for us. But, I want to stay open to whatever IT might be.

Keep Saving Me!

Last night I could not get myself tired enough to sleep. I read for what seemed like forever (finished yet another great book). Once I was done, I just stared at the wall, trying to make sleep come. I realized that I just missed God's presence. He is always present, but I am not. Things are going along fine. Work is good, Rob and I are keeping up with our healthy eating, the house has actually been clean all week, I've been reading some great stuff and feeling inspired. But, I miss Him. I haven't made the time. I think about Him. I talk about Him. But, I haven't had a good sit down with the Lord in awhile. I just felt like I wanted Him near...the way you sometimes just need your Mom or Dad close by.

Sleep did eventually come and early this morning Roxy girl (who hardly ever barks) woke me up barking intensely at the plow truck that was plowing our street. Normally, I would just call her in by me and go back to sleep. But, this morning was different. I felt ready to crawl out of our cozy bed, get that warm cup of coffee, and sit ever so still in the quiet that only early mornings posses. You see, God knew I needed to feel his presence and He also knew that the only way to get to me was before my day really began.

I was led to this. There is something about worship music that pulls you in. I felt the Lord this morning and I wanted to share this. I think we can all relate to the words.
Savior Please

Hold Fast

I'm currently taking down the Christmas tree and all of the Christmas items that I have everywhere in the house! Today has been a good day to put it all away. I've been rearranging (which if you know me, I LOVE rearranging), and deep cleaning. While sorting through piles I came across a quote that I cut out of a magazine at some point. Just a little affirmation that Rob and I are on the right track. I live for these miniature moments that pop up.

"Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die,
life is a broken-winged bird
that cannot fly."
~Langston Hughes

Dream Maker

I have affectionately titled today, "Me, Myself, & I Monday!" I carved out a day for myself and it's wonderful.

I started my morning off with getting my favorite coffee from my favorite local spot and then headed to the library to drop off books and check out some more! I love the library. The moment I walk in I feel at home. It's one of the few places in this hectic world that demands quiet. And, don't even get me started on how much I enjoy walking up and down the rows of books. I always feel more positive about life when I am amongst all those books. They have so much to offer, but like life itself - you have to be the one to dig in!

And, speaking of digging in...
Rob and I had so many dreams for our life when we first began our relationship. We were both feeling amazing when we got together...we each liked the weight we were at, we were living very actively and healthfully, we were focusing on the things that gave us joy. We both had come out of a place where we had to rebuild ourselves after years spent in the wrong place. And, we discovered each other when we were in our most powerful state. We talked about how we wanted to live authentically and how we wanted our life to be a great adventure. And, then we slowly fell into the routine of our life and the dreams began fading into the dark when we stopped paying attention. It's funny because we talked so much about how we didn't want this to happen and then it did. We had an amazing talk on New Year's Day about all of this. We sat down and made goals for our life. We are re-committing ourselves to those dreams that have been lingering in the background of our life...waiting patiently for us to come and retrieve them. My Grandma once told me that "you have to fight for the life you want." I totally understand what she meant now. Both Rob and I feel an excitement about this year and it's because our heads are in the game. We don't ever want our life to become stagnant and you know what? It's SO easy for life to become stagnant. But, if you look around...like all those books in the library, life has so much to offer. There are so many good things waiting to happen for your life, but you have to be the one to get out there and claim them as yours.

Footprints on my Heart

The first day of a brand new year, how exciting!

New Year's Day will always tug quietly at my heart. I celebrate two birthday's for Faith...today was supposed to be her earthly birthday. She would be one. But, instead she was born at 21 weeks on August 22nd, 2008, which I consider to be her heavenly birthday. Somehow she got a pass from all of this earthly business and I spent the past year trying not to question and instead turning to God. And, you know what? HE provides. HE is a great BIG God. He knows I am both a torn up mess inside, but in the midst of that mess is a beautiful strength that I would never have known without having lost her. So, I guess you could say that I am a beautiful mess. And, I am so okay with that.

If you look closely you will see
tiny footprints on my heart
from a little girl that saved me.

(the footprints in the picture are Faith's - my angel at the hospital, Liz, stamped her feet for us and told us that she had perfect feet - I agree)!

You might find this interesting (I sure do). I found a journal entry that I had written right before I became pregnant with Faith. I wrote intensely about how I wanted to have real Faith in my life. Unwavering, full throttle Faith. Struggles, yes...but, with those struggles the ability to contain joy and peace in my heart because of that deep Faith in the Lord. Since I wrote that...a baby came, and a baby went...a Grandma lived and a Grandma died. And, both of there comings and goings have given me something valuable...not a fragile valuable, but a strong valuable. You might think, "wow, I better be careful what I pray for!" But, don't ever think that way...because God always sends something better. I am waiting expectantly and hopefully on my better, but in the meantime I am enjoying the quiet comfort I find in the Lord.