Speak to Me

I remember the first time He tried to speak to me. God, that is. I was in high school and I was not in a good place. I know it might be hard to believe, seeing as how I turned out alright, but I was terrible back then. Hung out with people my parents did not approve of, lied, snuck out...you name it. I was bad. Just thinking about what I put my parents through makes me want to cry. Thinking about the fact that Emily is fast approaching her teenage years scares me! Because no matter how good of a job parents do, the people you hang around with become your main influence. And to think, my bad years were well before kids having cell phones, texting, facebook, email, etc. Oh, so scary!

One night I was in my room, listening to music, by myself. I was going through some rough times. And, then the radio station changed...without any involvement from me. It turned to a Christian program and though I do not remember the lyrics of the song, they spoke straight to my heart. And, somehow in that moment...I knew. I knew that He was trying to get my attention. That is the first time I recognized Him. This doesn't mean that it's the first time He tried to speak to me, it's just the first time that I took notice.

Since that time in high school, I have had many experiences with God. Unless, you have had a God experience, it might simply sound like coincidence. But, I don't believe in those...I believe in a perfect, behind the scenes orchestration, by a perfect and all knowing God.

On Wednesday nights I attend a small group, led by a recently retired Pastor of the church that I attend. I have grown to love Dennis. He is the real deal. He has this gentle wisdom which I respond very well to. This week has been hard for many reasons and I just haven't felt much like myself. I did not want to go to small group this week, just did not want to go! But, when I sign up for something-I take it seriously...so I made myself go. And, the entire time I just felt closed off. I felt like if I spoke I would have an emotional melt down. So, I was quiet and mostly off in my own little world. Then, Dennis closed with prayer. Normally, he just prays for what we've asked him to pray for (I didn't ask for prayer for anything or anyone, normally I do). But, instead he spoke the most beautiful prayer. It was powerful, it was transforming, it was absolutely God using his son, Dennis, as a vessel of His fierce and unwavering love for us. I know the prayer was for all of us, but I totally felt that God was speaking straight to my heart. The floodgates opened, I couldn't hold them back. After the prayer, I simply got up and went into the bathroom and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. You see, God always meets me where I'm at. He knows I have this point that I always reach...borderline depression, if you will. He knows I can't go there, I won't. I have SO much to be thankful for. But, every once in awhile I hit this spot...where I feel like I am at the ledge. I can hear the Devil whispering that God doesn't care because if he did he would give me a baby and not the crack-whore who has 5 kids by 5 different guys.

I think of Job, in the bible, and how the Devil told God (this is my paraphrasing) let's see how much Job loves you, God...it's easy for him to love you when he has everything, but take it all away, and see if he still does. I feel like this. I am thankful that not everything has been taken away. But, something has been taken away. And, as I've said many times - though it hurts like hell, I am thankful. Thankful for the place where I came crashing down to my knees because it is there that I really began my journey with God.

You Have Not...

...because you ask not. The last time my growth group (through church) met was before Christmas. There were only 3 of us and the Pastor who leads our group. It was a very emotional night. Less really is more. I love when a lot of people show up, but it's definitely more intimate when there are just a few of us, especially when the other 2 people are the ladies that I love dearly and sit next to in church on Sunday mornings.
Dennis started our time together with this question, "how can we pray for you?" and so I asked that they pray for my Nanny (mom's mom who just moved in with my parents...diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease). This family is never at a loss for people to pray for and it's alright because it keeps us close to the Lord. At the end of our session, Dennis noted that we do not ask for prayers for ourselves. This really struck a chord with me and I got super emotional. I told them that I find it very hard to ask them to pray for me. Dennis (who has been a Pastor for many, many, many years) said that is not unusual. While I was sitting there I realized something very important. I have never asked God for a baby. I have been prayed over, prayed for. I have read the bible, gone to church, joined a small group, met with my Dr., started taking nutritional supplements, wrote in my journal. But, I have never actually went to God wholeheartedly and asked Him.
I broke down at group that night because I learned that I am afraid to ask Him for that. I didn't want to ask the group for what I wanted for fear of it happening! Crazy, right?! I want a baby, but I don't really. Actually, I want a baby - but, I don't want to lose a baby. Going through that once is one thing. But, now that I know just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you're going to have a baby - I am simply afraid.
But, something happened at Church yesterday. I never stand up for the worship part of the service (and I sit in the FRONT row). I promised myself that no matter how I felt about standing up during worship that I would make myself stand up. So, I did. And, it definitely felt more powerful. I am always into it, but yesterday I was totally into it. The sermon was amazing...all about how we're made for so much more and how we really need to believe in each other to become all that God wants us to be. But, before the sermon something happened inside of me. The floodgates opened and I sobbed before the Lord (thank goodness the music is loud and the lights were dim). And, I asked...I begged...and I pleaded. And, in that moment I just knew...I knew that I would not have to adopt 30 dogs to be happy. I knew that I would not need to travel far away to "get" a baby to become a mother. Because He is going to provide. He is taking His time with me because not everybody is made to jump right back in the saddle again. He knows I am someone who needs lots of time to work things out. He wants my heart to be ready. And, truthfully I don't know that my heart will ever be 100% ready - but, He reminds me ... one step at a time. And, it may be my step in the sand or it may be His...but, either way we're moving forward.

New Year's Baby

Baby Faith should have been born January 1st, 09. It's no guarantee that she would have actually been born on the first day of the year, but that was her due date and I always thought that was pretty cool. This year, my awesome friend Amber who is so special to me had her baby girl on New Year's Day! My sadness has been replaced with joy! It's always amazing when you actually stop to take a peek backwards and see how far you've really come. I wasn't sad on New Year's Day, this year. Not because I am over my loss, but because I have truly come to terms with it all. I still cry, I still have moments...but, they continue to become fewer and farther between. Life has but one direction and it's forward. So forward march I go.

There are times, however, where I do want to grab that pain from the not so distant past and soak in it... so as not to forget her. But, how could I ever forget her coming and going. It's the closest to the other side that I've ever traveled.

I know that God is with me and I know that He has a plan and I know that His plan is so much better than mine. Do I struggle with this knowledge? OF COURSE. Do I want to, on occasion, grab the reigns of my life back from Him? ABSOLUTELY. But, every day that a dream of mine doesn't come true, I trust him a little more. How could that be? How could I trust Him more the less I get what I want? Because in my not getting, I am leaning. And, I feel very deeply in my heart that He wants me to get to the point where I lean on Him for everything...not just in my want. Not just in my need. But, in ALL OF IT. He wants all of it. He is not a sometimes God. He is not a once in a while God. He is an every day God. An every moment God.

And, He is good...SO GOOD. Thank you Father, for the giving and the taking away. Damn it hurts, but getting to feel your comfort is worth it. You are worth it. It took a long time to be able to say that.

Keep Saving Me!

Last night I could not get myself tired enough to sleep. I read for what seemed like forever (finished yet another great book). Once I was done, I just stared at the wall, trying to make sleep come. I realized that I just missed God's presence. He is always present, but I am not. Things are going along fine. Work is good, Rob and I are keeping up with our healthy eating, the house has actually been clean all week, I've been reading some great stuff and feeling inspired. But, I miss Him. I haven't made the time. I think about Him. I talk about Him. But, I haven't had a good sit down with the Lord in awhile. I just felt like I wanted Him near...the way you sometimes just need your Mom or Dad close by.

Sleep did eventually come and early this morning Roxy girl (who hardly ever barks) woke me up barking intensely at the plow truck that was plowing our street. Normally, I would just call her in by me and go back to sleep. But, this morning was different. I felt ready to crawl out of our cozy bed, get that warm cup of coffee, and sit ever so still in the quiet that only early mornings posses. You see, God knew I needed to feel his presence and He also knew that the only way to get to me was before my day really began.

I was led to this. There is something about worship music that pulls you in. I felt the Lord this morning and I wanted to share this. I think we can all relate to the words.
Savior Please

Prisoner of Hope

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12

Today has been a joy-filled day. From the moment I woke up, I felt it was going to be a fun day. Got my favorite coffee from my favorite local coffee joint, had a delightful day at work, and actually worked out in our fitness studio before coming home! It felt amazing. So what if I walked 27 minutes on the treadmill while reading a magazine that caught me up on the celebrity gossip. It still counts ... :)

I received a gift card to Barnes and Noble for my birthday from a dear friend. I was so excited about getting new books and I just knew I wouldn't be near a store in the next few days, so I went on their website and ordered 3 books...with money to spare! They didn't even charge me shipping. Gotta love that.

The books arrived while I was at work today (which added to the already wonderful day I was having).

My book choices definitely reflect where I am at in my life. Here they are...

"The Smart Stepmom" (by Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge)-Practical Steps to Help You THRIVE.
I am truly blessed with the Stepmom gig because Emily is a super kid. She is the type of kid that I could easily fall in love with even if I wasn't nuts about her Dad. I know that if Emily was a different kind of kid that I would definitely have a different kind of marriage. I didn't get the book because I have a rotten step kid or because I don't know how to handle her. I got the book because that is what I do. I am someone who is hell bent on consciously creating my life. I want to be the best Stepmom that I can be. I am very aware that I play a key role in her life. I feel that we are in each other's lives for a purpose. And, I need to know that I gave my best to what God has given me. I came into her life when she was 6 (she's now 9) and I thank God for that age because it's magical. 6 years old...they love their teacher, they are open to going with the flow. Our relationship has always been natural, never forced. A. because she is an awesome kid and B. because I love her like she was mine. She is mine, but in a different kind of way. Oh, and the best part of this book (that I've noticed so far) is that it references the bible! Ah, once again the "secret" ingredient to making any relationship work.

"The Pioneer Woman Cooks" (Ree Drummond) Recipes From an Accidental Country Girl. Ree actually writes one of my favorite blogs (thepioneerwoman.com).
She is my kind of writer...inspiring, creative, real and hilarious! This is her first book and it's now a New York Times Bestseller thanks to her blog. I feel a shift in my life where I want to be more of a caretaker (not in a healthy, I'm not taking care of myself kind of way)...like I want to feed people...with joy in my heart! I know Ashley (www.ourlovelikeafingerprint.blogspot.com) hears me loud and clear. We've had this conversation (and then some). :) By the way Ash, I still don't know how to do links on here!!!

And, finally the book that inspired this post to begin with (gosh it took a long time for me to get to this point).
"It's Your Time" (Joel Osteen). In the book, Joel immediately noted Zechariah 9:12 and how we should be prisoners of Hope! I really feel that having hope is what I need to be focused on right now. And, when I say focused ... I mean the horse blinders have got to be on! Like a one track mind for hope. Hope is something that I currently sway in and out of. Today, I am hopeful...but, that is because it's been a spectacular day. Tomorrow, I might feel hopeless. I know that God is working to get me to the point of being hopeful no matter the weather. I truly believe that we are not yet pregnant because God is building up Hope in my heart. He wants me to be expectant, not doubting. He knows I can't get to that place if I immediately get what I want. It's really interesting to me that the less I get what I've been asking for...the more of a believer I become. I guess because it all just takes time! It's a slow process...not a quick fix like this world wants to offer us at every turn.

If I have to suffer to know God, so be it. I can honestly say that I would much rather be walking the narrow and painful path...than the wide and fleeting path.

What season is this?

Tonight I am thinking a lot about the beginning of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

I am clearly in a season, but at this exact moment I am having trouble determining what season that might be.

Yesterday, I took my Dad to have a tumor removed from his bladder. He found out about it while my Grandma was dying. He will have the biopsy results in a few weeks. According to my google search (ha), bladder tumors in white men over 50 are more common and typically those tumors are non - cancerous. So, we'll go with that...I'm trying really hard for my mind to not automatically go to worst case scenario (which I have gotten really good at since losing our baby). The good news is that I can handle being in hospitals for long stretches of time, I am comfortable looking death in the eye, and I am somewhat okay with the fact that this life is fleeting. I am not really that happy about any of this, but am coming to the realization that there has been a huge loss of innocence in my life these past handful of years...and these things that I am now okay with are really muscles I've had to build to manage my earthly life. I try not to think about any one thing to long...like how my 8 year old nephew, CJ, has a terminal illness (Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy) or how his Grandma (my sis-in-law's mother) has bone cancer, or if I'll ever get to have my own child. I can't visit these places too long because it gets a little dark in there.
There is one bible verse that I rest in every time I find myself in that unlit cavern. This verse has saved me from being depressed and hopeless. This one small verse packs a perfect punch.

Colossians 3:2 "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."

Such a simple yet powerful statement. Instant perspective.

I love reading. It's what I do. A shelf full of books equals happiness in my world. One day after feeling lost, I felt God's presence and I had this sense of knowing that I could read all the books in the world, but unless I read His book I would always be lost. The bible used to intimidate me, but now I hunger for it. Everything you ever need is in that book. I have not read it in its entirety. I don't read it like I read other books...from beginning to end. I just open it and that (very much alive) book speaks to me every single time. The more I read the bible, the more I find God. The less I read the bible, the less I find God. We are meant to use His book. It's a beacon.

After writing here tonight, I realized that when I look back on my life that this will be the season where I drew nearest to God. The season where I developed faith, trust, hope. Pretty words, but the boot camp to attaining them ain't no joke! The season where I haven't let a day pass without thinking about God. The relationship used to be like 'game on' ... 'game off' ... now it is strictly GAME ON! The season where I learned that no matter what happens here, everything really will be ok.