Loved by God

God is most near in our suffering. Yes, he is always near...but, I always feel him the most in my pain. Sunday was actually a perfect day. It's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we lost our baby girl. 2 years!!! Sunday morning I sat out on the swing that is in our front yard. The swing that is hanging from the strong oak tree. The swing that has always been hanging from that tree my entire life (or as far as I can remember). I noticed a beautiful orange & black butterfly on a nearby tree and went to look at it. I then realized there were 3 of them, the exact same kind. I watched as the butterflies flew straight into a swarm of bees who were eating some kind of tree sap. The bees actually left and the butterflies took over. I would have expected it to be the opposite. I felt like God was showing me something about life. The butterflies to me have always symbolized hope...and hope is gentle and fragile. But, hope is also incredibly strong. Even in the midst of a swarm of stinging bees!

We took Emily and her friend Cierra out to breakfast (I LOVE going out to breakfast, it's my favorite) and then made our annual trip to Menards so that I could purchase something for Faith's garden. My way of honoring her each year. It helps me to honor her existence. It helps me to heal. Anyway, the moment I saw the glass bird bath I knew that was it. There is a picture of it in my last post. The orange and black butterflies from that morning, the yellow butterfly who loves my hisop plant that I have many pictures of and then my blue dragonfly that I saw a few weeks ago when I was prayed over by Rob's mom, aunt and cousin (I could write an entire post about that experience).

The day continued to go well...I have never seen so many baby butterflies and a baby dragonfly. It was so strange (yet not) how everything was miniature...baby size. We did a lot of yard work that day and Emily at one point was like, "Kris, there are 5 butterflies following you." I felt so peaceful and so loved by God all day long.

Later on that night I had a really cool moment. The first thing you should know is that my Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. When she was dying at my aunt Margie's home, there was a hummingbird that was outside of her window constantly. The second thing you should know is that I NEVER see hummingbirds-ever. Around 5:00 that evening I just wanted a moment to myself so I went outside on the porch. I didn't end up putting the bird bath in the garden because it's too fragile so I put it near our front porch so we could enjoy its beauty each day. The next thing I know there is a hummingbird at my bird bath, a few short feet from me! I knew within my entire being that bird, at that exact moment, at my bird bath for Faith, was a gift from heaven.

True Faith is not needing the signs, but God knows when his children are down and he will "throw us a bone" (for lack of better wording) every now and then. I really felt that everything is alright. No matter how my baby journey goes, everything is as it should be.

I don't want a baby to make me whole. Wholeness, I continue to learn, can only come through knowing God. I want a baby because I have a lot of love to give and I think that Rob and I could really do great with raising a child together. And, I really, really hope that we are given that opportunity. But, I'll never make the mistake of thinking that anything (not even another person) can fill those empty places inside of me. God is the great void filler. God is everything.

Today, I am so grateful for the people in my life, the nature that surrounds me and most of all the hope that there is more than we see here.