New Year's Baby

Baby Faith should have been born January 1st, 09. It's no guarantee that she would have actually been born on the first day of the year, but that was her due date and I always thought that was pretty cool. This year, my awesome friend Amber who is so special to me had her baby girl on New Year's Day! My sadness has been replaced with joy! It's always amazing when you actually stop to take a peek backwards and see how far you've really come. I wasn't sad on New Year's Day, this year. Not because I am over my loss, but because I have truly come to terms with it all. I still cry, I still have moments...but, they continue to become fewer and farther between. Life has but one direction and it's forward. So forward march I go.

There are times, however, where I do want to grab that pain from the not so distant past and soak in it... so as not to forget her. But, how could I ever forget her coming and going. It's the closest to the other side that I've ever traveled.

I know that God is with me and I know that He has a plan and I know that His plan is so much better than mine. Do I struggle with this knowledge? OF COURSE. Do I want to, on occasion, grab the reigns of my life back from Him? ABSOLUTELY. But, every day that a dream of mine doesn't come true, I trust him a little more. How could that be? How could I trust Him more the less I get what I want? Because in my not getting, I am leaning. And, I feel very deeply in my heart that He wants me to get to the point where I lean on Him for everything...not just in my want. Not just in my need. But, in ALL OF IT. He wants all of it. He is not a sometimes God. He is not a once in a while God. He is an every day God. An every moment God.

And, He is good...SO GOOD. Thank you Father, for the giving and the taking away. Damn it hurts, but getting to feel your comfort is worth it. You are worth it. It took a long time to be able to say that.