I regret to inform you...

What an action packed week this has been! Monday we made dinner for Rob's parents and had them over so that they could see our house decorated for Christmas. Tuesday, I went out with my great friend, Amber (someday, I'll have to write an entire chapter about that cool girl). Wednesday, Rob's dad really wanted to make chili so we went over and ate it for him (ha!). Thursday, we went to a dinner for my chamber and then to Emily's Christmas concert at school. Tonight, I am heading out to see White Christmas at Genesee Theater. I have been wanting to go there since it re-opened and am excited to finally have the opportunity! Definitely an action-packed week, but December is just that kind of month. I have loved every bit of it, but I am exhausted.

My parents are out of town for a short visit to see my Nanny (my Mom's mom) in Michigan, so we're back on animal duty-too! Tonight, I got their mail and there was a card addressed to my Grandma. It made me very sad to think that she has a friend out there who doesn't even know she died. Reading the card quickly snapped me back into reality. In all my busyness, what I have loved was being with my people. Because that is all that matters when it comes down to it...your people. I came home and wrote out a Christmas card to Grandma's friend, Rosalie, who lives in Indiana but, who apparently grew up with her here based on some things she wrote in the card. My letter started with, I regret to inform you ...
...that my Grandma went to be with Jesus on October 3rd.

In all the rush and chaos of the season, I received the gift of a pause. A moment that sat me down to remember what this CHRISTmas season is all about.

Embracing the Season

This year I am embracing the season! I have heard numerous times that the first Christmas without a loved one is terrible, but I have to admit that Grandma's passing has changed me in so many ways... for the better. Not necessarily noticeable ways that the outside world could detect. These changes are inside of me. I feel that when Grandma passed that I received a gift. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it involves God's love and a peaceful heart (something I don't feel my heart has ever been). This is not to say that I don't miss her terribly. My Aunt Margie gave me Grandma's Daily Guidepost book for this year. Grandma loved reading those stories each day. When she was dying, we read them to her. I am so happy to have the last one that she was reading because I get how important that book was. For those of you that aren't familiar with it, it's a book that has a bible verse and little story for each day of the year...it helps you to start your day with God. Which is something that my Grandmother did her entire life.

I am actually more excited about Christmas this year then I have been since I was a child. I'm realizing how important and special traditions are...how they give you something to hold on to. The dynamics of a family change with each passing year. New traditions have to be made and I am excited to be in a position to create memories for my own little family. Emily has had her own (small) tree in her room since I came into her life. I bought ornaments and a purple tree skirt for it and she is so excited each year to decorate that tree. I feel proud because that was something I could give her. I also bought her a miniature nativity scene and each year that we bring it out we talk about the story of the birth of Christ. We also have a snowman that has the Christmas countdown on his belly. So each day that Emily is over she changes the number and announces to us how many days are left til' Christmas. These are moments that she will remember fondly. With each moment that I intentionally create for Emily, I think about my Grandma and how she was always doing that...creating moments for a little girl that would someday grow up and have her own family. Little did I know at the time that she was filling up my tank of things to hold on to. So much to hold on to.

Joy in the Ordinary

"The joy of the LORD is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

At Grandma's funeral the Pastor spoke about how often people are summed up at the end of their lives by what they did for work, what activities they enjoyed, and what they were involved with. It was really very cool because he said that the only thing he felt that defined Her life was her relationship with God. I thought about how her mission was to have all over her loved ones love Jesus and have that relationship with Him. She was never pushy about it. She simply led by example.

I am thinking today about how often we are looking for the next thing to make us happy. Right now for me I feel that would be a baby and moving into Grandma and Grandpa's house. Certainly those would make me extremely happy, but I think I often make the mistake in thinking that I won't really truly be happy until I have that. And, if I keep thinking that way - it will be true.

I've been really attempting to find joy in the ordinary day the way my Grandma did. Every moment of every day was an occasion for her. She got it. She got joy because she didn't wait for the big stuff to be happy...

I've felt joyful this weekend. Yesterday, we took Emily to a pumpkin farm and bought pumpkins and went into a little haunted house they had there. I'm going to bake the pumpkin seeds. I've always wanted to do that. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in baking them. I might even wear one of Grandma's aprons. Tonight we're having Rob's parents over for dinner. I'm making chili. My first time. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in that - too. Afterwards, we're all going to go bowling. The local bowling alley is having $1 bowling for today's holiday (Columbus Day). And, you know what? Yep, you guessed it ... I am SO going to find joy in that.

You see...my Grandma's example is more alive in my heart today than it was when she was here. Her leaving has made me rethink a lot of things. I really, really believe that finding the joy in the ordinary day is the secret to loving life. There are a lot more ordinary days than big ones!

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This was my Grandma's favorite bible verse. She went to be with the Lord, this morning, at 10:10am.

The details are hard, but necessary to write (for myself). Yesterday, I spent 13 straight hours at my Aunt's house just sitting. Sitting with Grandma, sitting with my family. I have done a lot of sitting. Sitting is different when you are near a deathbed. Time passes quickly in the room where she lay. I became addicted to the sitting. I couldn't look away from her for fear that I would miss the moment that He took her to be with Him. Lots of memorable conversations took place around that bed. There were a lot of tears...always a single box of kleenex being passed around the room. There was also laughter. Stories that I'd never heard, moments that will always be held near and dear to my heart.

Grandma was tense and clenching her teeth a lot yesterday. Her earthly body was agitated. It was hard to watch, but I kept watching. The hospice nurse called and said it was time for the morphine, it would calm her. But, it would also slow her heart. This was a big decision for my Dad and his 3 sisters...both of my Grandpa's died pretty quickly after the morphine was put into their systems. We all knew without having to say a word what this would mean. She made it through the night, we were all surprised (once again). But, I was so thrilled when I did not wake up to a dreadful phone call this morning. I knew then that I would have my wish of being with her when she passed. I called my mom and told her I was on my way and wanted to know what to expect. She told me that she was gasping for air and that it was close. I sat in the room and watched as she took those breaths. Every single one counted. The room was eerie. My Grandma has been on oxygen 24/7 for the past 3 or so years. My Dad asked us what we thought about taking it off (which I know was incredibly hard for him). Everyone agreed that it was prolonging her struggle. My mom (the brave one who is completely comfortable with doing dead people's hair) said that she would turn it off. As soon as she got up to go into the hallway to turn it off, my Grandma smiled her big beautiful smile. My mom missed it, but the rest of us didn't. It was confirmation to her children that what they were doing was good (because Lord knows it's not something that felt good). Not long after, her breathing slowed. And, then it stopped. We continued to sit. We sat with our tears. We sat with our relief that she is in a better place. We sat with each other... all thankful of having had her in our lives.

Something really cool happened before I left the house, this morning. I spotted the mail sitting on the table that Rob must have put there yesterday. And, of all things was a letter from Niha - the little girl in India (who shares Faith's birthday)that we are sponsoring through the Compassion Program. I wrote her a long, long time ago. I knew it would take awhile to receive a response because they tell you that up front. Of all days for me to read it. A coincidence? I don't believe in those. She drew and colored a picture of a mango! A translator introduced himself first and then wrote for her. She told me I was an angel sent by God for her life. I knew after I put the letter back into its envelope that God was near. And, I knew that today I would 'lose' my Grandma that I love so much. And, finally I knew that everything would be ok.


You can't help but travel deep within yourself when death of a loved one is just a breath away. I have all sorts of thoughts and feelings about this journey of 'losing' Grandma. But, today I just want to honor Her. Special, beautiful, lovely, precious, sweet, Grandma. I pictured her in Heaven surrounded by love and light. Not for the mere purpose of comforting myself...but, because I believe.

First Class Ticket To Heaven

Early last week my Grandma told Lettie (her Hospice bathing nurse) something about going next Friday (as in today) at 11:15 and there is a line. Lettie told my Aunt that if Grandma dies that day and especially at that time she is going to be "really spooked." We honestly didn't think Grandma would still be with us by today, so the "prediction" seemed like nonsense. But, here we are...Friday, October 2nd. I visited Grandma last night and she did wake up, she did see us, she did smile with her eyes...she couldn't talk. I yawned at one point (it was late for me) and she was trying to talk to me directly...every time she does that we all think she is going to say something profound so we quickly become silent (which is hard for us-ha!)...I couldn't understand, she kept repeating ... then, I tried really hard to read her lips and of all things she was asking me if I was tired. Oh Grandma! STILL concerned with her babies. She is so precious.

Last week, when Grandma could speak a little. She talked about seeing people that were dead. She saw her mom outside the window talking to Billy a neighbor she had when she was growing up (that her children didn't even know), she saw her Daddy...she saw her brother and sisters and her favorite cousin Alec. She also kept speaking of a man outside her window and what a gentleman he is. My mom was sitting with her one time and Grandma was sleeping, but looked lovely and was smiling. My mom said she never looked so good. Grandma woke up then and told my mom " well,that was a nice place to go." My mom asked her where she went and Grandma stopped talking and shut her eyes again. For those that do not believe in God, this might seem like the talk of a confused dying person. But, know that my Grandma is not in pain...she is not taking drugs (though morphine resides in a cabinet down the hall, if necessary). This is a woman who has lived her entire life for Jesus. And, she has been getting glimpses of Heaven. You see, as much as my Grandma loves Jesus...she loves living. She loves being here for all of the amazing moments and the ordinary ones - too. As much as she wants to go to Heaven...she doesn't want to miss anything here. So, they are calling her...her most important people are showing up. At one point Grandma said that her older sister (Clara) was holding flowers...waiting...my Grandma LOVES flowers. They are luring her towards them. As painful as it is to lose her, it has been an honor to watch her dip into her heavenly home. How blessed our family is to be able to witness this. It truly is a gift. Faith is believing without seeing...but, it sure is nice to 'see' sometimes! I feel like He is letting us see.

Last night I had a dream about my Grandpa (her husband). He was wearing a suit and looked beautiful....radiant, perfect. He was waiting for her and he told me that I was pregnant. I have asked God for many things over the years, but the only really big thing I asked for was that Grandma see my baby. When we 'lost' Faith last summer, the first thing that came to mind was that Grandma was not going to be alive to see my baby. But, God always has a plan and it's always better even if it hurts like hell. You see, I might be the only one without a child .... here. It took me a long time to realize that I have one waiting for Her. This is not quite how my prayer to God looked ... but, again I learned something valuable in our loss. He giveth, and he taketh...and there is a reason. Trusting God is HUGE. Of course I have moments of struggling with that, but I do trust Him. Trusting God is not something that just happened...it's something I had to experience.


This morning, I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that Grandma's going. Her blood pressure is low, her heart is not beating fast like it has been for the past few weeks, and after seeing her last night I know that Heaven has been waiting ever so patiently for her. I am going to be with my family. My heart can be no other place.

The Journey Home

My Grandpa H. died in 2001. He had cancer and we watched him deteriorate for a long time and proceeded to watch as he was dying for 3 long months. It was a hard time, but the family was always together and in that time of mourning we created memories to keep us together. I never wanted that slow fade for my Grandma. I prayed for her to go "gently in the night" when her time came.

After she broke her hip, I read a lot about that and learned that a hip fracture (in older women)is usually the beginning of the end...and so it has been for her.

I think we all thought she would bounce back because she has so many times. She is such a fighter! Her spirit is absolutely amazing. She has never wanted to "give in." But, she is at that place. She hasn't eaten, hasn't got out of bed, and is half here and half not here. Yesterday, I spent the entire day near her. We sang to her (badly), we loved her and we cried a lot. Again, in this sad time our family has created a lot of good moments together. What a blessing a close family is. I don't want her to suffer, but I also don't want to lose her...because once her presence is gone, nothing will ever be the same.

The morning my Grandpa died, my mom came in my room and told me that it was time, and asked if I wanted to be in the room when he passed. I pulled the covers over my head and cried. I did not go. As sick and 'out of it' as my Grandpa was he knew right when he was going to die and called all of his children to come. They watched as he passed from His earthly life into His new Heavenly life. At the time, that was not beautiful to me ... that was downright scary! But, I am in a different place now. And, I so desire to be in the room when Grandma goes. So we watch and we wait and it all feels like a dream. I know where she is going, and yes that does bring comfort. And, last week before she took this severe downturn I sat with her and we had a lovely, lovely visit. We always do. She has given me so much to hold on to. A long time ago, I asked her to send me a sign from Heaven that only I would understand. She said she would. Not because I don't believe, but because I just think that would be awesome. I brought this up after she broke her hip and she told me that she remembered. I can't wait to see what it's going to be. I know that if I truly believe (and I do), that I will receive that sign.

Yesterday, I whispered to her that when I moved into her house I was going to bake all the time. I have no idea where that came from! But, I have always been a keeper of my word...and so it looks like I might turn into Molly Homemaker after all.

Today, I am grateful that even though this is a sad time, it's also a time of celebration. My Grandma has lived her entire life for Jesus. She read her bible everyday before her day began. She prayed for her family and people who needed prayers every single day. Even when she was not doing well, she still always prayed for all of us. She always had that sweet, childlike wonder and faith about her. How wonderful it is that she is going Home to the one that has made her so special.