The Journey Home

My Grandpa H. died in 2001. He had cancer and we watched him deteriorate for a long time and proceeded to watch as he was dying for 3 long months. It was a hard time, but the family was always together and in that time of mourning we created memories to keep us together. I never wanted that slow fade for my Grandma. I prayed for her to go "gently in the night" when her time came.

After she broke her hip, I read a lot about that and learned that a hip fracture (in older women)is usually the beginning of the end...and so it has been for her.

I think we all thought she would bounce back because she has so many times. She is such a fighter! Her spirit is absolutely amazing. She has never wanted to "give in." But, she is at that place. She hasn't eaten, hasn't got out of bed, and is half here and half not here. Yesterday, I spent the entire day near her. We sang to her (badly), we loved her and we cried a lot. Again, in this sad time our family has created a lot of good moments together. What a blessing a close family is. I don't want her to suffer, but I also don't want to lose her...because once her presence is gone, nothing will ever be the same.

The morning my Grandpa died, my mom came in my room and told me that it was time, and asked if I wanted to be in the room when he passed. I pulled the covers over my head and cried. I did not go. As sick and 'out of it' as my Grandpa was he knew right when he was going to die and called all of his children to come. They watched as he passed from His earthly life into His new Heavenly life. At the time, that was not beautiful to me ... that was downright scary! But, I am in a different place now. And, I so desire to be in the room when Grandma goes. So we watch and we wait and it all feels like a dream. I know where she is going, and yes that does bring comfort. And, last week before she took this severe downturn I sat with her and we had a lovely, lovely visit. We always do. She has given me so much to hold on to. A long time ago, I asked her to send me a sign from Heaven that only I would understand. She said she would. Not because I don't believe, but because I just think that would be awesome. I brought this up after she broke her hip and she told me that she remembered. I can't wait to see what it's going to be. I know that if I truly believe (and I do), that I will receive that sign.

Yesterday, I whispered to her that when I moved into her house I was going to bake all the time. I have no idea where that came from! But, I have always been a keeper of my word...and so it looks like I might turn into Molly Homemaker after all.

Today, I am grateful that even though this is a sad time, it's also a time of celebration. My Grandma has lived her entire life for Jesus. She read her bible everyday before her day began. She prayed for her family and people who needed prayers every single day. Even when she was not doing well, she still always prayed for all of us. She always had that sweet, childlike wonder and faith about her. How wonderful it is that she is going Home to the one that has made her so special.

Faith's Garden

Saturday morning Rob and I woke up at 4:30am to go and watch the sunrise. Totally his idea (I do not come up with ideas that involve waking while it's still dark out). That morning he is nudging me to get up because it's a special day. Since it was the anniversary of losing our baby girl, I got up without whining. The only time I ever get up that early is if I am going to the airport. My husband gets up that early every single day for work...bless his heart! I would be a monster!!! People would hate me. Roxy didn't even want to get up and she loves going for rides more than anything in her life. But, like me she pushed through and off we went. First we went and got coffee at our fave local joint(and bless those people for being up that early every morning-too) and then to the lake we went. It was very cloudy and we didn't actually see the sun rise...but, it was still cool. Glimpses of orange light through the clouds...it was nice. Then, we came home and got ready for the day. We went and ate breakfast at a place that we've both driven past one hundred times. It was perfect. So cute and so good. Unexpected goodness. I love it. I would rather go out for breakfast than any other meal. I think it is so fun!

In honor of Faith, my mom and I decided to fix up this wild garden at my grandma's house (almost our house) that my Aunt Beanie (her name is Belinda, but she is Beanie to me) put together when she was living with my Grandma about 5 years ago. It's this amazing garden full of perennials. I have always liked it because it is a hot mess! I don't like perfect order when it comes to flowers. I like chaos! I feel like a garden has so much more life...like the plants are untamed (though they will be mildly tamed once we get our hands on them). My mom was out of town this past weekend so we are going to get to work soon. Beanie will be in town and she said she'd help us. On Saturday, Rob and I bought a small cross statue to put in front of the garden. We brought it to the site and I said a prayer. It was sweet. And, sad. I decided that every year on the anniversary that I want to add something to the garden. Whether it be a fountain, a little bridge, or the introduction of a new plant to the mix. I might just get a green thumb yet! I think moving to Grandma's house is going to turn me into so much more of a woman. Before you know it I will be cooking amazing dinners while wearing one of her aprons!

Sweet Little Baby

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10)

In Honor of Faith Marie January
August 22nd, 2008

Precious little baby
sweet little girl
did you know you were coming
to save me from this world?

Tiny little fingers
wrapped around mine
for a keepsake picture
that stands frozen in time.

Our life lost its direction
the day you had to go
we quietly held you
the pain so sharp and slow.

Picking up the pieces
because that's what we have to do
feeling a sense of loss
this is not just something to get through.

One year later
as the tears still fall
trying not to question
or make sense of it all.

Trusting in the Father
who has always been near
envisioning you in Heaven
as we gradually release the mounds of fear.

A Game Worth Playing

Despite the pain and suffering in this world, there is still so much beauty to be found. Every once in awhile I play this 'game' with myself. I call it "Finding Jesus." I 'should' play it everyday, but I am imperfect (I know, what a surprise). It goes like this ... say to yourself, "Self (ha), go 'find' Jesus today." It's a way of consciously being aware of Him. And, you know what ... I find Him a ton when I am looking. I do know that he is always there, but sometimes it helps our very human minds to visually see Him. On the days that I am looking for Him, I find myself being more loving, and more emotionally available to people. On those days I am aware of the fact that someone might find Jesus when they look at me.

Here are just a few examples of how I find Jesus:

A sign along the road that says Jesus Saves.
A phone call from a friend that you've been thinking about and meaning to call.
Turning to the perfect bible verse that speaks straight to your heart.
A deep conversation that needed to be had.
A sky full of color. (I took the pics in this post last week at our marina)
A single flower among a garden of weeds.
Really, the list goes on ... Jesus works through many avenues... people, animals, landscape, the word. I always find Him when I am looking. You can't play this game half-heartedly though. You must be open-minded and expectant. I challenge you to play! You will always come out a winner.

Home Sweet Home

I've lived a handful of places.

My first move out of my parents house was to Chicago! I worked for a big corporation and a friend, Amy, that I met there and I decided to get a place together. She already lived in the city. I knew prior to moving there that I was more of a country girl and less of a city girl, but I also felt the need to do it for the experiences that it would provide. Coming from a small town you realize how closed minded you can become about the world around you. My eyes definitely opened to a lot of things. I loved my time there. I lived in Roscoe Village which is a neighborhood close to Wrigleyville. Close to the action, but far enough away to have more of a quiet feel. I didn't stay longer than a year because while I lived there, my grandfather was dying of cancer (my Dad's father), my nephew, CJ, was about to be born and I ended up dating someone (my first husband, Rich) who lived here! I had my fun, and then I just wanted to come home.

I moved back to my parents. Got engaged, and Rich and I rented an apartment that was really the upstairs of a house that was turned into a living space. It was so little, and cute. My Dad always called that place a tree fort. When you are just starting out, it's not really about the size, it's about having something that is simply yours.

Rich and I bought a house after that. I knew right when we walked in that it was going to be the one. I loved having all that space after living in the tree fort. The backyard was large and fenced in, so we got Roxy! Rich and I later divorced. I kept the house and the dog.

Fast forward to present...married to Rob, living in 'his' house. While I like it here and it does feel homey, it's not home. Maybe because he already had the house and we didn't purchase it together. There is also no room to grow here. It's a 2 bedroom, 1 bath. One room is ours, one room is Emily's. When I was pregnant with Faith, we were house hunting for something larger, but nothing felt right. After she passed, so did the dream of moving. Time went by, and I felt a sudden desire to explore buying my grandma and grandpa's house. I had never even thought of living there before. I really feel that God himself placed the desire in my heart (he does stuff like that, you know). It surprised me. Rob and I have discussed it a lot...talking ourselves out of it several times. It's more money than we're used to paying, and it's A LOT of upkeep. But, with all of that being said - it just feels right. My grandma so badly wanted the house to be kept in the family. I know what that house is. I spent a lot of time there. It is a very well kept house. No one has lived in it for over 3 years. It does need some updating, but it's the kind of stuff you can do as you live there. I am super excited to bring the house 'back to life.' Yesterday, my dad and I spent the entire day doing work outside of the house. Today, I am working on our house to get it ready to put on the market. It's a bad time to sell, but when God is in something - mountains move. I just have to continue to have Faith, and not to become discouraged. I know that it is all going to work out, I just don't know how long it's going to take. But, I am moving ahead with complete trust in the one that does know.

Special Lady

There is a special lady that I would love for you to meet.
I see Jesus in her every time we greet.

When I was a child she made me miniature pies.
When I am feeling down, all I have to do is look in her eyes.

She's lived a full life and has loved like no other.
She plays many roles, but my favorite is Grandmother.

She knows the secret to mastering this life.
It's not what you know, but who you know.
His name is Jesus Christ.

I love my Grandma. She fell and broke her hip a few weeks ago at my parents house. She then had surgery and made it through like the champ that she is! Then, she was moved to a rehabilitation facility and began doing physical therapy twice a day. It took a lot out of her, but she has a very determined spirit. This past Sunday, Rob, Emily and I were excited to bring her some treats from The Elegant Farmer (a really cool place that we had never been to before). We walked in and my parents were there and told us that an ambulance was coming to get her right then. She has an infection. I just started sobbing. I hugged her tightly and she whispered to me that she has been praying for me. If that doesn't tell you something about my Grandma, I don't know what will. She's about to be put in an ambulance and taken back to the hospital and she's telling me that she's been praying for ME. We have always had a very special bond. When I was in 3rd grade my parents built a house on my grandparents land (they have 36 acres and it's amazing). I grew up living next door to my grandma and grandpa (my father's parents)! I have loads of wonderful memories. When I was a child, it bothered me that we did not have neighbors. But, looking back I realize how blessed we were to grow up on that land. It's so beautiful and quiet. I took the rest of the week off of work and the time off does have a purpose and it does involve my love for that land. Stay tuned...

He's Just Right Here

So, I did end up getting my Faith tattoo. It was something that I had to do. She will always be alive in my heart, but I needed her to be remembered beyond myself. She happened. She lived - inside of me. And, now in Heaven with her big daddy. After I gave birth to her (knowing she wasn't coming home with us) I felt like a damn warrior. I couldn't believe I was capable of delivering a child under those conditions (not that I had a choice, of course). I wanted to be marked. I want future children and grandchildren to know that she came and she went and she will always be. Most of the time I feel alone with our loss. Not because others don't care, but because I am the only one that felt her. I want the world to know about this little tiny baby that altered my heart. I am a woman who understands the dark night of the soul. And, I am stronger. I no longer think of Jesus as intangible. He is SO within reach. One day at the salon I was talking to an older client named Irene (who just turned 90). I was telling her about how I've been starting each day with a bible study and devotional and how amazing it is that by the time I am halfway through the day all the 'good work' I've done manages to unravel itself. She said something that I will never (as in NOT EVER) forget. Irene said, "Honey, you're making it so hard." "All you have to do is stop and just remember, that he is just right here." She put her hand over her heart when she said that...and I got the point. I can't tell you how many times I've just had to stop myself and say (in my head)..."he is just right here." To me that means everything is ok. Everything is as it should be. Whether it hurts or not. The thing about Irene is that she is 90. And, she is always smiling and it turns a light on inside of me every time I see her. She has not been defeated by life. And, she has been through lots of heartache herself. She is not smiling because she has lived a long life free of pain. She is smiling because she knows Him. She knows that he is always there. And, that my friends is something to smile about.