Plan B

It never fails...
...every time I am down, lower than low, HE lifts me up! I have been on a serious ride lately. Up and down and inside out. I can go from A to Z in two seconds. I am doing amazing and I am doing awful. I have felt so strange inside of my body. Like I need to seriously jump in the (freezing) lake and shock my system! Something to simply feel ALIVE. Life is so beautiful. A precious gift. And, there are days (like yesterday, for example) where I seriously miss out on so much because my head is bogged down with JUNK. I don't ever want to have a "why me" or "poor me" attitude, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have that attitude yesterday. Another month of not becoming pregnant is what yesterday became. We are officially at one year (and one month) of it not happening. People say when I stop thinking about it that it will happen. And, that is good advice...but, once you lose a baby(and you're not 100% certain that you can because maybe something really is wrong with you that they are just missing) and you are fast approaching age 32 and you just really, really want to have your own kids so you can finally feel a part of "the club" when you leave your house...it kind of changes things. Trust me, I would love to not think about having a baby. I would love to not care and just be surprised with that blessing. But, it's just not going to be that way for me. It's too late for that.

So what do I do? Let go and let God. It's so hard to do (control freaks that we are).
The thing is I absolutely trust God and His timing. But, there are days where I fall apart about it all. And, you know what? I think that is ok. I am human. I am imperfect. But, at the end of the day...I trust Him. I cry and I beat the walls and I let it all out...and then I just trust. Like I said A to Z.

Today, I heard about a series starting in a few weeks at the church I had thought I wanted to start going to (but, remember I have those committment issues). And, lo and behold the series is based on the book Plan B by Pete Wilson...whose blog I have just happened to be reading since we lost the baby! I am going to do it and I am excited about it (and it sure feels good to feel excited). Totally going to get the book at some point this week and will probably read it in a day...because I am just really hungry for something (and I know it's not food because I just ate dinner-ha!).

Thank you Lord for your timeliness. You didn't promise easy, but you did promise to be with us. Thank you for that. Thank you, thank you!