Pay It Forward

Yesterday in the Salon one of our clients was telling me a story about her morning prior to coming to see us. She was at the Starbucks drive-thru (which is a treat for her that she does not get on a regular basis) and the girl working the window told her that 25 cars ago someone started Pay It Forward and paid for the person behind them. It had been going on all morning! The girl asked if she wanted to keep it going and she, of course, said absolutely! I LOVED hearing this. Now that is what the Christmas season is about...not fighting over a t.v at Walmart at 5 in the morning!!! I can't help but wonder who ended the Pay It Forward trend yesterday. All it takes is one person to get something amazing going and all it takes is for one person to put a halt to it. But, the part I choose to focus on is the one person who began it. We have so much power to do good...to start something! It's like when you're at a sports event and someone decides it's time to do the wave...and then the next thing you know the ENTIRE stadium is doing it. We are capable of SO much especially when we come together. Which brings me to the topic of church ...

I have always had issues about going to church. Here is my church life in a nutshell...grew up in the church (Lakeview), attended Awanas (not by choice, by parental force...I was young). I remember the first bible verse I memorized was John 3:16. Sunday mornings were usually a fight in our house. Mom was the only one who ever really wanted to go. Stopped going, started again when we were just under our teenage years. Went to First Assembly of God. There was a lot of speaking in tongues...that freaked me out. Went to one Sunday school class there, did not like it. Stopped going. Started with family friends (without my family) at First Baptist when I was 17. Got baptized when I was 18. Stopped going when my Grandparents (mom's parents) came to visit "my" church and the preacher was talking negatively about Catholics (my Grandma is Catholic). I had a really bad view on the whole church concept after that. I was tired of church's thinking their way was the only way. How small minded. God is bigger than that. The other thing that bothered me when I was there was that a man (faithful member of that church) who owned a restaurant was open on Sundays...the church practically crucified him for working on the day of rest. I was done with church after that. I would attend here and there for family occasions, but other than that I had a real crap attitude about church. To me church was a bunch of hypocrites who thought they were better than others because they showed up to a building every Sunday morning. It honestly took me until now to see it all differently. In looking back, I know that it was wrong of me (judgemental even) to view all churches in a negative light because of a few human episodes that occurred. Though I hadn't attended church regularly since age 18, I have definitely experienced God without the church. He came to me in creative ways throughout the years and I recognized Him in those ways. He was always knocking at my door, but I wasn't always knocking at His. But, I have been knocking at His since Grandpa H. died in 2001. My Faith has grown stronger, deeper. But, just like working out and eating right...eventually you hit a plateau and you have to step it up. It's interesting (yet not surprising) that God called me back to the church right after I read Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life (I did 40 days straight). Rick Warren is all about going to church and how important it is to be around other God loving, God fearing people. Even when I was doing the study, I cringed every time he talked about church. But, then God took all my negativity and ignorance about the church and replaced it with an open mind and an open heart. I feel like since I started church and got involved in a small group I have entered into a different aspect of being with God. I LOVE sharing with other believers, I love encouraging them and praying for them and just plain loving them! I love telling them who I am and how God is working in my life. I love sharing the moments that God has spoken into my life (and He does). It's really very cool.
I believe that God can transform anything and anyone. But, he is looking for willingness. I haven't been willing for SO many years. And, now that I am He has room to work in me. If I could give anyone any piece of advice (at this point in my life) it is to make the space for God. Clear it out for Him and then slowly put back only the things that have been blessed by Him. And if you aren't sure how to do that, just ask Him. Right now, just ask. He is SO good. He is always there. He always has been, and he always will be.

Please-let them have crayons!

So, I guess I "belong" to a church. The difference between being a visitor and a member is committment. It's more than showing up each week, it's getting involved. I am slowly becoming involved. I do go each week (and love it), I do belong to a small group (and look forward to it), and this past Sunday I did my first church activity. The church was collecting shoeboxes filled with toys/candy/etc. for Samaritan's Purse - Operation Christmas Child. These boxes are brought to children all over the world who wouldn't normally receive a Christmas gift...the purpose is to share the love of Jesus! Saturday evening around 8pm I remembered that the boxes were due on Sunday! Oops! Emily and I went to Walgreens and bought some items to fill three boxes. I was so glad that we had her that night. She is a great kid and is very aware (and appreciative) that she has a lot and there are children who don't have much at all. But, a reminder is good (for all of us)! One of the items that we put in the boxes were coloring books. We also put candy, fleece blankets and small toys. I felt so happy walking into church Sunday morning with our boxes. I could have easily dimissed putting them together, but that would just be me ignoring an opportunity and I am trying not to do that anymore.

While I was sitting in church it dawned on me that I didn't put crayons in the boxes...and all I could think was "Oh no, what if they don't have crayons?" "What if I made it worse by giving them an incomplete gift?" "What if they cry because they have coloring books and no way to color?" I couldn't shake it, still can't (obviously if it made it to this blog).

Isn't life like that though??? We see what we didn't do, what we aren't, and we hold on to that ... very tightly, I might add.

I am trying to look at the fact that three children, somewhere in the world, will touch what we have touched, will smile because someone, somewhere thought of them...prayed over the gifts even. Maybe I should have prayed before I went shopping...then I might have remembered to purchase crayons!

This Boy

My parents were recently out of town for a week & being the good neighbors that we are, we took care of their animals. During this time I began walking Rocky, their ten (?) year old German Shepherd. We always had dogs growing up & they were always German Shepherds...Elk, Siva, Poo-Bear, Baron, Bandit - oh, the dogs that I have loved that have been laid to rest. Rocky was abused prior to coming to our family. I never became attached to him the way that I am known to do with dogs because he came later in my life...I was just not around. Plus, he just wasn't your typical dog. He was afraid and rather than giving him love & attention I basically just was annoyed by him. However, that has all changed in a big way. I have since been walking him 1 to 2 times each day. In fact, I look forward to walking him more than I look forward to anything else right now. Cruching through the leaves with him and Roxy has really helped slow me down. I feel more at peace inside. I am finding this to be extremely therapeutic. Rocky's hips are bad, but I can see that he is doing so much better with all the walking. I even run with him! We don't over do it, but we definitely incorporate the running each time we walk. I can feel that we are falling in love with each other. He needs love (his roommate in the kennel is Mick who is the only non-German Shepherd dog (he is an Australian Shepherd) my parents have had is not very nice to Rocky)...and I need to love him. He lets me hug him and pet him and he comes to me now which you have no idea how long that took! Every day I do important things...maintain my relationships, run the business, go to my chamber events...but, somehow walking this boy seems like the most important thing I'm doing. I know when I look back on this time in my life, this season of sadness and wanting...that I will always remember this boy...this boy that heals my heart everytime I let him out of his kennel.

You Never Let Go

This morning I went to my OBGYN to discuss next steps. He told me to come back in August (meaning last month) if I wasn't pregnant because that would be a year of "trying." I felt super overwhelmed after I left. Mainly because I don't want to have to do anything (other than the obvious) to become pregnant. They want to make sure I am actually ovulating so at some point next week I'll go and get that checked out among other things that I really don't feel like writing about. I told my mom, this morning, that I am pretty sure the fastest way to become pregnant is to get a puppy. I'm not giving up on having a baby, but it seems that is when stuff usually happens...when you are truly able to let it go. I don't know if we're going to need "help" getting pregnant and that is what I am working on figuring out. I will be 32 in November and while that is not old, it's also not young. Today, I spent a lot of time with my friend Erin who had her own pregnancy journey...years of "help" and now she has almost 6 year old twins! It was so good for me to be with her because she has been down a serious road and gave me a lot of things to think about. The one thing I remember about her journey(we have been friends for 17 years now so I was around for all of it) is that she always remained hopeful and expected God to bless her with children. It was hard, and exhausting and there were breakdowns...but, she always had hope in her heart. That is something to keep for sure!
Yesterday, we went to church as a family and I was crying within the first minute of sitting down. I was so touched by the music...one of the songs they sang was one that I listend to TONS after we lost the baby...yet another sign that I am on track. The message was amazing. It is in those moments that I realize how broken my heart still is. I also joined a small group which will meet on Wednesday nights at one of the pastor's houses. I feel nervous about that, but also excited. I really, really feel God in all of this. Part of me just wanted to skip the whole small group thing (so out of my comfort zone), but I feel him nudging me to do this and one thing I am learning is to be obedient to that still, small voice. I know He has something for me, I feel it in my entire being.

Here is the song...

What's Your Dream?

I'm reading this book (well, I am currently reading 5, but this is one of them) right now called the "Passion Test." It's all about creating your passionate life. This is something that I definitely desire. I desire to be passionate about the life that I am CO-creating. I am clearly not the sole creater and I am grateful for that. I do believe that we play a big part in how it goes...of course based on what we are dealt.
I am going to begin going to church and I am excited about that. I had this thought put in me the other night when I was laying in bed that I wasn't necessarily going for me. Of course I will get things from going to church, but I had this deeper feeling that maybe my story could actually help someone. Then, I pictured getting up in front of everyone and telling them all about Faith and what that loss has done for my walk with the Lord. I felt so insanely happy about that. I guess because for once in my life I felt like I had a purpose...a purpose that related to God. One of my goals is to help make God tangible to other strugglers. I feel like he is preparing me..for something. Of course I am being prepared for a life beyond this...but, I mean I feel like he is preparing me for something HERE. I want to be in such a rush to know what that is. But, like everything...I need time to marinate! I need time to be soaked in Him.
In the book they state that "what you put your attention on grows stronger in your life." This makes me think of the bible verse, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things". (Colossians 3:2) No matter what we think about most is what we create in our experience. I know this to be true. When my mind is focused on Him so many amazing things happen.
All I know is that overall when I look around at my life, I like what I see. But, I am feeling more ready to branch out...to live a higher level of existance. I don't mean by having more things, I just mean by enjoying it all more. I really desire to feel immersed in life and I guess the way to do that is to figure out what you enjoy about life.

Plan B

It never fails...
...every time I am down, lower than low, HE lifts me up! I have been on a serious ride lately. Up and down and inside out. I can go from A to Z in two seconds. I am doing amazing and I am doing awful. I have felt so strange inside of my body. Like I need to seriously jump in the (freezing) lake and shock my system! Something to simply feel ALIVE. Life is so beautiful. A precious gift. And, there are days (like yesterday, for example) where I seriously miss out on so much because my head is bogged down with JUNK. I don't ever want to have a "why me" or "poor me" attitude, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have that attitude yesterday. Another month of not becoming pregnant is what yesterday became. We are officially at one year (and one month) of it not happening. People say when I stop thinking about it that it will happen. And, that is good advice...but, once you lose a baby(and you're not 100% certain that you can because maybe something really is wrong with you that they are just missing) and you are fast approaching age 32 and you just really, really want to have your own kids so you can finally feel a part of "the club" when you leave your house...it kind of changes things. Trust me, I would love to not think about having a baby. I would love to not care and just be surprised with that blessing. But, it's just not going to be that way for me. It's too late for that.

So what do I do? Let go and let God. It's so hard to do (control freaks that we are).
The thing is I absolutely trust God and His timing. But, there are days where I fall apart about it all. And, you know what? I think that is ok. I am human. I am imperfect. But, at the end of the day...I trust Him. I cry and I beat the walls and I let it all out...and then I just trust. Like I said A to Z.

Today, I heard about a series starting in a few weeks at the church I had thought I wanted to start going to (but, remember I have those committment issues). And, lo and behold the series is based on the book Plan B by Pete Wilson...whose blog I have just happened to be reading since we lost the baby! I am going to do it and I am excited about it (and it sure feels good to feel excited). Totally going to get the book at some point this week and will probably read it in a day...because I am just really hungry for something (and I know it's not food because I just ate dinner-ha!).

Thank you Lord for your timeliness. You didn't promise easy, but you did promise to be with us. Thank you for that. Thank you, thank you!

Let's Play Ball

Yesterday was such a special day. My nephew, CJ, got to throw out the first pitch and shout, "Let's Play Ball" to start of our minor league baseball team's game. After the game the local Fire Dept. played against the Police Dept. Both were raising money, the Fire Dept. for Muscular Dystrophy (which is what CJ has) and the Police for the Special Olympics (Fire Dept. won). It was a day that was really heart touching. Whoever sang the National Anthem had me teary eyed. Girl could sing! The kind of voice that just stirs you up inside.
I was so proud of CJ. He had a good pitch and said, "Let's Play Ball" with such enthusiasm.