You Never Let Go

This morning I went to my OBGYN to discuss next steps. He told me to come back in August (meaning last month) if I wasn't pregnant because that would be a year of "trying." I felt super overwhelmed after I left. Mainly because I don't want to have to do anything (other than the obvious) to become pregnant. They want to make sure I am actually ovulating so at some point next week I'll go and get that checked out among other things that I really don't feel like writing about. I told my mom, this morning, that I am pretty sure the fastest way to become pregnant is to get a puppy. I'm not giving up on having a baby, but it seems that is when stuff usually happens...when you are truly able to let it go. I don't know if we're going to need "help" getting pregnant and that is what I am working on figuring out. I will be 32 in November and while that is not old, it's also not young. Today, I spent a lot of time with my friend Erin who had her own pregnancy journey...years of "help" and now she has almost 6 year old twins! It was so good for me to be with her because she has been down a serious road and gave me a lot of things to think about. The one thing I remember about her journey(we have been friends for 17 years now so I was around for all of it) is that she always remained hopeful and expected God to bless her with children. It was hard, and exhausting and there were breakdowns...but, she always had hope in her heart. That is something to keep for sure!
Yesterday, we went to church as a family and I was crying within the first minute of sitting down. I was so touched by the music...one of the songs they sang was one that I listend to TONS after we lost the baby...yet another sign that I am on track. The message was amazing. It is in those moments that I realize how broken my heart still is. I also joined a small group which will meet on Wednesday nights at one of the pastor's houses. I feel nervous about that, but also excited. I really, really feel God in all of this. Part of me just wanted to skip the whole small group thing (so out of my comfort zone), but I feel him nudging me to do this and one thing I am learning is to be obedient to that still, small voice. I know He has something for me, I feel it in my entire being.

Here is the song...

What's Your Dream?

I'm reading this book (well, I am currently reading 5, but this is one of them) right now called the "Passion Test." It's all about creating your passionate life. This is something that I definitely desire. I desire to be passionate about the life that I am CO-creating. I am clearly not the sole creater and I am grateful for that. I do believe that we play a big part in how it goes...of course based on what we are dealt.
I am going to begin going to church and I am excited about that. I had this thought put in me the other night when I was laying in bed that I wasn't necessarily going for me. Of course I will get things from going to church, but I had this deeper feeling that maybe my story could actually help someone. Then, I pictured getting up in front of everyone and telling them all about Faith and what that loss has done for my walk with the Lord. I felt so insanely happy about that. I guess because for once in my life I felt like I had a purpose...a purpose that related to God. One of my goals is to help make God tangible to other strugglers. I feel like he is preparing me..for something. Of course I am being prepared for a life beyond this...but, I mean I feel like he is preparing me for something HERE. I want to be in such a rush to know what that is. But, like everything...I need time to marinate! I need time to be soaked in Him.
In the book they state that "what you put your attention on grows stronger in your life." This makes me think of the bible verse, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things". (Colossians 3:2) No matter what we think about most is what we create in our experience. I know this to be true. When my mind is focused on Him so many amazing things happen.
All I know is that overall when I look around at my life, I like what I see. But, I am feeling more ready to branch out...to live a higher level of existance. I don't mean by having more things, I just mean by enjoying it all more. I really desire to feel immersed in life and I guess the way to do that is to figure out what you enjoy about life.

Plan B

It never fails...
...every time I am down, lower than low, HE lifts me up! I have been on a serious ride lately. Up and down and inside out. I can go from A to Z in two seconds. I am doing amazing and I am doing awful. I have felt so strange inside of my body. Like I need to seriously jump in the (freezing) lake and shock my system! Something to simply feel ALIVE. Life is so beautiful. A precious gift. And, there are days (like yesterday, for example) where I seriously miss out on so much because my head is bogged down with JUNK. I don't ever want to have a "why me" or "poor me" attitude, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have that attitude yesterday. Another month of not becoming pregnant is what yesterday became. We are officially at one year (and one month) of it not happening. People say when I stop thinking about it that it will happen. And, that is good advice...but, once you lose a baby(and you're not 100% certain that you can because maybe something really is wrong with you that they are just missing) and you are fast approaching age 32 and you just really, really want to have your own kids so you can finally feel a part of "the club" when you leave your house...it kind of changes things. Trust me, I would love to not think about having a baby. I would love to not care and just be surprised with that blessing. But, it's just not going to be that way for me. It's too late for that.

So what do I do? Let go and let God. It's so hard to do (control freaks that we are).
The thing is I absolutely trust God and His timing. But, there are days where I fall apart about it all. And, you know what? I think that is ok. I am human. I am imperfect. But, at the end of the day...I trust Him. I cry and I beat the walls and I let it all out...and then I just trust. Like I said A to Z.

Today, I heard about a series starting in a few weeks at the church I had thought I wanted to start going to (but, remember I have those committment issues). And, lo and behold the series is based on the book Plan B by Pete Wilson...whose blog I have just happened to be reading since we lost the baby! I am going to do it and I am excited about it (and it sure feels good to feel excited). Totally going to get the book at some point this week and will probably read it in a day...because I am just really hungry for something (and I know it's not food because I just ate dinner-ha!).

Thank you Lord for your timeliness. You didn't promise easy, but you did promise to be with us. Thank you for that. Thank you, thank you!

Let's Play Ball

Yesterday was such a special day. My nephew, CJ, got to throw out the first pitch and shout, "Let's Play Ball" to start of our minor league baseball team's game. After the game the local Fire Dept. played against the Police Dept. Both were raising money, the Fire Dept. for Muscular Dystrophy (which is what CJ has) and the Police for the Special Olympics (Fire Dept. won). It was a day that was really heart touching. Whoever sang the National Anthem had me teary eyed. Girl could sing! The kind of voice that just stirs you up inside.
I was so proud of CJ. He had a good pitch and said, "Let's Play Ball" with such enthusiasm.