I remember the first time He tried to speak to me. God, that is. I was in high school and I was not in a good place. I know it might be hard to believe, seeing as how I turned out alright, but I was terrible back then. Hung out with people my parents did not approve of, lied, snuck out...you name it. I was bad. Just thinking about what I put my parents through makes me want to cry. Thinking about the fact that Emily is fast approaching her teenage years scares me! Because no matter how good of a job parents do, the people you hang around with become your main influence. And to think, my bad years were well before kids having cell phones, texting, facebook, email, etc. Oh, so scary!
One night I was in my room, listening to music, by myself. I was going through some rough times. And, then the radio station changed...without any involvement from me. It turned to a Christian program and though I do not remember the lyrics of the song, they spoke straight to my heart. And, somehow in that moment...I knew. I knew that He was trying to get my attention. That is the first time I recognized Him. This doesn't mean that it's the first time He tried to speak to me, it's just the first time that I took notice.
Since that time in high school, I have had many experiences with God. Unless, you have had a God experience, it might simply sound like coincidence. But, I don't believe in those...I believe in a perfect, behind the scenes orchestration, by a perfect and all knowing God.
On Wednesday nights I attend a small group, led by a recently retired Pastor of the church that I attend. I have grown to love Dennis. He is the real deal. He has this gentle wisdom which I respond very well to. This week has been hard for many reasons and I just haven't felt much like myself. I did not want to go to small group this week, just did not want to go! But, when I sign up for something-I take it seriously...so I made myself go. And, the entire time I just felt closed off. I felt like if I spoke I would have an emotional melt down. So, I was quiet and mostly off in my own little world. Then, Dennis closed with prayer. Normally, he just prays for what we've asked him to pray for (I didn't ask for prayer for anything or anyone, normally I do). But, instead he spoke the most beautiful prayer. It was powerful, it was transforming, it was absolutely God using his son, Dennis, as a vessel of His fierce and unwavering love for us. I know the prayer was for all of us, but I totally felt that God was speaking straight to my heart. The floodgates opened, I couldn't hold them back. After the prayer, I simply got up and went into the bathroom and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. You see, God always meets me where I'm at. He knows I have this point that I always reach...borderline depression, if you will. He knows I can't go there, I won't. I have SO much to be thankful for. But, every once in awhile I hit this spot...where I feel like I am at the ledge. I can hear the Devil whispering that God doesn't care because if he did he would give me a baby and not the crack-whore who has 5 kids by 5 different guys.
I think of Job, in the bible, and how the Devil told God (this is my paraphrasing) let's see how much Job loves you, God...it's easy for him to love you when he has everything, but take it all away, and see if he still does. I feel like this. I am thankful that not everything has been taken away. But, something has been taken away. And, as I've said many times - though it hurts like hell, I am thankful. Thankful for the place where I came crashing down to my knees because it is there that I really began my journey with God.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Puppy Please!
I realized today that this blog, for me, is about working through the loss of our baby and gaining the courage to hopefully have another. There are so many things that I could write about at any given time, but each time I hop on here with my thoughts...only one subject really surfaces.
Yesterday, we watched the Bears/Packers game at my parents house. Their friends were over with their 2 Rottweiler puppies...yep, count them out...not one, but two pups! I was in heaven. A 12 week old girl (sweet, sweet girl) and an 8 week old boy. I could not get enough of them. The boy that they got is from a newly released litter and the rest of the pack is only 15 minutes from here. They have 5 females left and 2males. I would definitely get a girl. They are much more mellow. Roxy has been a dream boat. I told Rob that I don't even want babies, I just want puppies. I think that was my way of trying to not have to wait to get another dog. He told me that he absolutely did not believe that I wanted puppies over a baby. But, yesterday...oh, yesterday I did.
I remember being a kid and always wanting to lay on the floor with my arms wrapped tightly around whatever dog(s) we had at the time. I do this with Roxy. I can't explain the love I have for dogs, but sometimes it's so strong I really do think maybe, just maybe I could survive on just having dogs as my kids. I know plenty of people that do. It's never by choice, it's just a coming to terms with not having kids of your own. I'm not giving up on that...merely trying not to think about it. So, in the meantime of whatever God is up to - I will lay on the floor with my girl, and work on Rob to go get one of those puppies!!! I need one. Neeeeeeeed one!
Yesterday, we watched the Bears/Packers game at my parents house. Their friends were over with their 2 Rottweiler puppies...yep, count them out...not one, but two pups! I was in heaven. A 12 week old girl (sweet, sweet girl) and an 8 week old boy. I could not get enough of them. The boy that they got is from a newly released litter and the rest of the pack is only 15 minutes from here. They have 5 females left and 2males. I would definitely get a girl. They are much more mellow. Roxy has been a dream boat. I told Rob that I don't even want babies, I just want puppies. I think that was my way of trying to not have to wait to get another dog. He told me that he absolutely did not believe that I wanted puppies over a baby. But, yesterday...oh, yesterday I did.
I remember being a kid and always wanting to lay on the floor with my arms wrapped tightly around whatever dog(s) we had at the time. I do this with Roxy. I can't explain the love I have for dogs, but sometimes it's so strong I really do think maybe, just maybe I could survive on just having dogs as my kids. I know plenty of people that do. It's never by choice, it's just a coming to terms with not having kids of your own. I'm not giving up on that...merely trying not to think about it. So, in the meantime of whatever God is up to - I will lay on the floor with my girl, and work on Rob to go get one of those puppies!!! I need one. Neeeeeeeed one!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My Choice
I recently read the BEST book on writing that I've ever encountered. It spoke to me so deeply that I was actually (this close) to writing the author a letter. I decided to look him up online, follow his blog (if he has one), buy all his books...you name it, I was totally 100% into him. And then I saw IT. A book by my beloved about Atheism. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt so I looked through a few pages (knowing that I was on the verge of disappointment) and yes ... my guy who was about to become my favorite (and I take choosing favorites very seriously) author is an atheist.
I feel shattered. This brings up all sorts of feelings inside of me. Volcano style.
To sin is one thing, but to completely denounce God Almighty is another. I am not condoning sinning here I am just simply saying that going through life with so much creativity, passion, & purpose...and giving yourself all the credit for it is crazy to me! His book isn't saying that I shouldn't believe in God, but it is saying that I can get through life (and have a creative, passionate existence) without the one that I love so much. No thank you, mister. No thank you.
Oh, the narrow path. Your rewards are many, your challenges are daily. But, I choose you. I will always choose you.
I feel shattered. This brings up all sorts of feelings inside of me. Volcano style.
To sin is one thing, but to completely denounce God Almighty is another. I am not condoning sinning here I am just simply saying that going through life with so much creativity, passion, & purpose...and giving yourself all the credit for it is crazy to me! His book isn't saying that I shouldn't believe in God, but it is saying that I can get through life (and have a creative, passionate existence) without the one that I love so much. No thank you, mister. No thank you.
Oh, the narrow path. Your rewards are many, your challenges are daily. But, I choose you. I will always choose you.
Monday, January 10, 2011
You Have Not...
...because you ask not. The last time my growth group (through church) met was before Christmas. There were only 3 of us and the Pastor who leads our group. It was a very emotional night. Less really is more. I love when a lot of people show up, but it's definitely more intimate when there are just a few of us, especially when the other 2 people are the ladies that I love dearly and sit next to in church on Sunday mornings.
Dennis started our time together with this question, "how can we pray for you?" and so I asked that they pray for my Nanny (mom's mom who just moved in with my parents...diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease). This family is never at a loss for people to pray for and it's alright because it keeps us close to the Lord. At the end of our session, Dennis noted that we do not ask for prayers for ourselves. This really struck a chord with me and I got super emotional. I told them that I find it very hard to ask them to pray for me. Dennis (who has been a Pastor for many, many, many years) said that is not unusual. While I was sitting there I realized something very important. I have never asked God for a baby. I have been prayed over, prayed for. I have read the bible, gone to church, joined a small group, met with my Dr., started taking nutritional supplements, wrote in my journal. But, I have never actually went to God wholeheartedly and asked Him.
I broke down at group that night because I learned that I am afraid to ask Him for that. I didn't want to ask the group for what I wanted for fear of it happening! Crazy, right?! I want a baby, but I don't really. Actually, I want a baby - but, I don't want to lose a baby. Going through that once is one thing. But, now that I know just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you're going to have a baby - I am simply afraid.
But, something happened at Church yesterday. I never stand up for the worship part of the service (and I sit in the FRONT row). I promised myself that no matter how I felt about standing up during worship that I would make myself stand up. So, I did. And, it definitely felt more powerful. I am always into it, but yesterday I was totally into it. The sermon was amazing...all about how we're made for so much more and how we really need to believe in each other to become all that God wants us to be. But, before the sermon something happened inside of me. The floodgates opened and I sobbed before the Lord (thank goodness the music is loud and the lights were dim). And, I asked...I begged...and I pleaded. And, in that moment I just knew...I knew that I would not have to adopt 30 dogs to be happy. I knew that I would not need to travel far away to "get" a baby to become a mother. Because He is going to provide. He is taking His time with me because not everybody is made to jump right back in the saddle again. He knows I am someone who needs lots of time to work things out. He wants my heart to be ready. And, truthfully I don't know that my heart will ever be 100% ready - but, He reminds me ... one step at a time. And, it may be my step in the sand or it may be His...but, either way we're moving forward.
Dennis started our time together with this question, "how can we pray for you?" and so I asked that they pray for my Nanny (mom's mom who just moved in with my parents...diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease). This family is never at a loss for people to pray for and it's alright because it keeps us close to the Lord. At the end of our session, Dennis noted that we do not ask for prayers for ourselves. This really struck a chord with me and I got super emotional. I told them that I find it very hard to ask them to pray for me. Dennis (who has been a Pastor for many, many, many years) said that is not unusual. While I was sitting there I realized something very important. I have never asked God for a baby. I have been prayed over, prayed for. I have read the bible, gone to church, joined a small group, met with my Dr., started taking nutritional supplements, wrote in my journal. But, I have never actually went to God wholeheartedly and asked Him.
I broke down at group that night because I learned that I am afraid to ask Him for that. I didn't want to ask the group for what I wanted for fear of it happening! Crazy, right?! I want a baby, but I don't really. Actually, I want a baby - but, I don't want to lose a baby. Going through that once is one thing. But, now that I know just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you're going to have a baby - I am simply afraid.
But, something happened at Church yesterday. I never stand up for the worship part of the service (and I sit in the FRONT row). I promised myself that no matter how I felt about standing up during worship that I would make myself stand up. So, I did. And, it definitely felt more powerful. I am always into it, but yesterday I was totally into it. The sermon was amazing...all about how we're made for so much more and how we really need to believe in each other to become all that God wants us to be. But, before the sermon something happened inside of me. The floodgates opened and I sobbed before the Lord (thank goodness the music is loud and the lights were dim). And, I asked...I begged...and I pleaded. And, in that moment I just knew...I knew that I would not have to adopt 30 dogs to be happy. I knew that I would not need to travel far away to "get" a baby to become a mother. Because He is going to provide. He is taking His time with me because not everybody is made to jump right back in the saddle again. He knows I am someone who needs lots of time to work things out. He wants my heart to be ready. And, truthfully I don't know that my heart will ever be 100% ready - but, He reminds me ... one step at a time. And, it may be my step in the sand or it may be His...but, either way we're moving forward.
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Year's Baby
Baby Faith should have been born January 1st, 09. It's no guarantee that she would have actually been born on the first day of the year, but that was her due date and I always thought that was pretty cool. This year, my awesome friend Amber who is so special to me had her baby girl on New Year's Day! My sadness has been replaced with joy! It's always amazing when you actually stop to take a peek backwards and see how far you've really come. I wasn't sad on New Year's Day, this year. Not because I am over my loss, but because I have truly come to terms with it all. I still cry, I still have moments...but, they continue to become fewer and farther between. Life has but one direction and it's forward. So forward march I go.
There are times, however, where I do want to grab that pain from the not so distant past and soak in it... so as not to forget her. But, how could I ever forget her coming and going. It's the closest to the other side that I've ever traveled.
I know that God is with me and I know that He has a plan and I know that His plan is so much better than mine. Do I struggle with this knowledge? OF COURSE. Do I want to, on occasion, grab the reigns of my life back from Him? ABSOLUTELY. But, every day that a dream of mine doesn't come true, I trust him a little more. How could that be? How could I trust Him more the less I get what I want? Because in my not getting, I am leaning. And, I feel very deeply in my heart that He wants me to get to the point where I lean on Him for everything...not just in my want. Not just in my need. But, in ALL OF IT. He wants all of it. He is not a sometimes God. He is not a once in a while God. He is an every day God. An every moment God.
And, He is good...SO GOOD. Thank you Father, for the giving and the taking away. Damn it hurts, but getting to feel your comfort is worth it. You are worth it. It took a long time to be able to say that.
There are times, however, where I do want to grab that pain from the not so distant past and soak in it... so as not to forget her. But, how could I ever forget her coming and going. It's the closest to the other side that I've ever traveled.
I know that God is with me and I know that He has a plan and I know that His plan is so much better than mine. Do I struggle with this knowledge? OF COURSE. Do I want to, on occasion, grab the reigns of my life back from Him? ABSOLUTELY. But, every day that a dream of mine doesn't come true, I trust him a little more. How could that be? How could I trust Him more the less I get what I want? Because in my not getting, I am leaning. And, I feel very deeply in my heart that He wants me to get to the point where I lean on Him for everything...not just in my want. Not just in my need. But, in ALL OF IT. He wants all of it. He is not a sometimes God. He is not a once in a while God. He is an every day God. An every moment God.
And, He is good...SO GOOD. Thank you Father, for the giving and the taking away. Damn it hurts, but getting to feel your comfort is worth it. You are worth it. It took a long time to be able to say that.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Do Less, Be More
I think with the end of each year and the beginning of a new, somehow someway I will "magically" be different. But, this morning I am taking note of how I still roll my eyes when I see a pile of dishes in the sink (rather than just getting them done real quick), I still haven't mustered up the energy to do the first workout of the year. I really, really think that vacuuming is overrated (and I have a good reason to vacuum...her name is Roxy). My project list is getting longer because items just aren't getting checked off.
The one difference though is that I'm okay (kinda' ok) with it all. I used to judge myself (harshly) by the to-do list. My Dad was raised to work...more work, not so much play. And, his big question to us throughout my growing up was always, "so what did you do, today." It was always about what was accomplished. It's not because he didn't want us to have fun, it's just because he was raised to work. He is retired and I believe he works harder than most working people. Every day he has a list that he works from...and he gets so much done! But, because of that - I've always judged how much of a person I was by how much I got done in a day. I didn't ever have days where I just sat around and watched t.v and monkeyed around on the internet or read a book all day, but these past few weeks I've actually had two full days like that...and you know what, it was AMAZING! And, better than that...I didn't feel guilty about it.
I read something once about how we're human BEINGS...not human DOINGS. There is something to say about just being. Just letting yourself be. And, I am pretty sure it is in that stillness that the magic can actually occur. I noticed that I've been laughing more. I've also noticed that I feel more relaxed. So, going into 2011 my resolution is simply going to be...to do less, but be more. The rest will come. I believe.
The one difference though is that I'm okay (kinda' ok) with it all. I used to judge myself (harshly) by the to-do list. My Dad was raised to work...more work, not so much play. And, his big question to us throughout my growing up was always, "so what did you do, today." It was always about what was accomplished. It's not because he didn't want us to have fun, it's just because he was raised to work. He is retired and I believe he works harder than most working people. Every day he has a list that he works from...and he gets so much done! But, because of that - I've always judged how much of a person I was by how much I got done in a day. I didn't ever have days where I just sat around and watched t.v and monkeyed around on the internet or read a book all day, but these past few weeks I've actually had two full days like that...and you know what, it was AMAZING! And, better than that...I didn't feel guilty about it.
I read something once about how we're human BEINGS...not human DOINGS. There is something to say about just being. Just letting yourself be. And, I am pretty sure it is in that stillness that the magic can actually occur. I noticed that I've been laughing more. I've also noticed that I feel more relaxed. So, going into 2011 my resolution is simply going to be...to do less, but be more. The rest will come. I believe.
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