... we have not met before!
Being on the other side of week 21 feels amazing. I know that a pregnancy is not truly safe until you are holding your precious baby in your arms, but for me getting here was such a journey and I do feel safe, I do feel protected.
Last week I had a lot of moments of depression wash over me. I would be fine and then suddenly 'woosh' I instantly felt so incredibly sad. My body could not help but relive losing Faith. The strangest thing, I was so unwell Friday night. I had this tightness in my stomach, I felt completely afraid and cried myself to sleep. Later, I thought about how I had delivered Faith on the Friday night of the 21st week. I truly think that unconsciously my entire being knew it was the point that I had lost my last baby.
I had to learn that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is getting up. Courage is trusting that once you begin walking through something that you can and will get to the other side. My Lord gives me courage. But, I had to get up. I had to start walking. He doesn't do that part. But, he strengthens me with each step.
I think that many people make the mistake that once you choose to believe in God and give your life to Him that everything should magically become easy. Everything will come to you without work and without pain. But, I have to say that it's the opposite. It's the narrow path and if you can picture yourself fitting through something narrow you have to release 'stuff' in order to get through. You can't take it all with you on the journey. It's more about releasing than carrying. I think that Christ wants to empty us out so that we can truly know that all we need is Him.
I do not think that God made me lose baby Faith. I do think he allowed it. Not because He is cruel or uncaring, but because He loves me. He truly gave me a cross to bear. Something to suffer for. It is in the suffering that we are most empty. I made a choice when our baby died. I chose Him. I chose to seek in a way that I never had before. I could have stayed depressed. I could have been angry and focus on the unfairness of it all (and of course, I had moments where I let myself be angry and feel that it was unfair...it's healthy to feel all your feelings about something, but not to let them take over). Because I got up, because I started walking...he met me. He was present in the loss, in the suffering and now in this new life forming inside of me. I did not know that I would become pregnant again. And, I do not only Praise God because I am pregnant again. I have praised him throughout. He is good. He is mighty to save and when He took, He gave more than I could have imagined.
