Blue Moon

Tonight there is a blue moon. A blue moon is the second full moon that occurs in a calender month (basically, an extra moon). A blue moon occurs on average once every 2.5 years. I took a picture of the moon so that you could see it is definitely not blue, but beautiful for sure. The next time a blue moon will occur on New Year's Eve will be in 2028, so I took a picture of tonight's moon...because Lord only knows what I will be up to in 2028. And, man isn't that the truth...? The Lord only knows. It took me a long time to be okay with the not knowing.

When I pictured the year 2010 (back in the day), I was totally thinking Jetson's. Flying our cars in the sky and all that futuristic stuff. Ha!

Tonight, we're celebrating at a party at my brother's house. Then, tomorrow afternoon we'll be with my Dad's side of the family - making up for the fact that we didn't get together at Christmastime. Then, it's down to business. I am ready to do some damage (good damage) this year. Full of inspiration and ideas for the big year that lies ahead.

Wishing you a Happy New Year! Just remember when making those New Year's resolutions that "now is later."

Hope

It's always sad when Christmas comes to an end. We enjoyed a nice Christmas this year. I felt really relaxed, mainly because of the early preparation.
Christmas Eve Rob had to be at work at 3AM to plow.We were planning to "pretend" that Christmas Eve was Christmas morning since Emily was with us and wouldn't be for the real Christmas morning (we alternate each year), but with Rob working we had to patiently wait for him to return home to open our presents. CJ and Alyssa came and spent the morning with us and as always that was a fun time. I love having kids in the house.

Christmas Eve night we went to Rob's parents and celebrated there. Christmas morning, we made breakfast and brought it to my parents. Then, Rob and I went to a movie! I have never ever been anywhere but with family on Christmas...but, we decided to take a little break from the action. I cannot believe how many people go to the movies on Christmas Day! We saw "Did You Hear About the Morgans." It was cute. Not amazing, but definitely cute. Then, Rob went to get Emily and we spent the rest of the evening at my parents.

Yesterday and today have been chillax. I am loving it. I promised not to make our time off overly busy. I want to feel as renewed as possible going into the New Year. Tomorrow, is my mom (and Alyssa's) birthday. I am going to spend the day with mom...doing what we love to do...hitting up our favorite store ever(Marshalls), a few quaint little shops, and then we'll top that off with Chili's for lunch. Yum! I can taste the chips and salsa just thinking about it. I'm making her (and my) favorite cake from scratch...no boxes this year, baby! Red Velvet Cake from The Pioneer Woman's cookbook. Then, it's back to work (reality) on Tuesday.

I don't know about you, but doesn't the year 2010 sound absolutely exciting!!! I can feel that this is going to be a gigantic year for us. I am remaining hopeful. This morning during our Sunday coffee drive (my favorite part of every week), I told Rob that the seasons are such a great analogy for life itself. Winter is hard, but there is also beauty in it (like the fact that I am looking at the snow fall out the window as I type this)...you just have to look for the beauty. But, the thing that makes winter the absolute best is the thought of summer. The hopefulness and the expectancy that summer will eventually come. If you get through the winter, you can get to the summer. And, that pretty much sums up how I feel about my life right now. If I can get through the winter (the struggle/the pain) by finding beauty in the winter (the struggle) as well as remember that summer (goodness) will eventually come...then, all can be well. And, you're definitely going to want to find the beauty in your winters because in case you haven't noticed...the winters are always much longer than the summers! Interesting, don't you think.

Build Anyway

So, I didn't have to endure the pain of Frosty melting - instead, I came home last night to find that he had been destroyed. I walked into the house and asked Rob if he had done the damage-thinking maybe he was just over the whole snowman in the front yard thing. He had just got home shortly before me and said some punk kid must have done it. At first I was upset, feeling sort of violated. But, after I pictured some kid showing off for his friend by running into our yard and plowing through a man made out of snow - I quickly got over it. Because though they took away our very cool snowman, they can't take away the fun, quality, father-daughter moment that Rob and Emily had making it. And, isn't life like that ... you build, and what you build can be destroyed - taken away. But, that is not the part you hold on to. You hold on to the joy in the building or even the joy in building back up again. There are things that can never be taken away from you. That fact is up there with the coolest things I love about God. The ability to stay centered - to stay warmly wrapped in a blanket of His Love - no matter what is happening in the world around you.

Rob and I have been wanting to become pregnant again since August (1 year to the month after we lost Faith). And, it's just not happening right now. However, what is happening is that everyone around me is becoming pregnant. So, if you have anyone that wants a baby - just have them become close to me and they'll probably wind up pregnant. Ha! I really am ok about this, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I don't have minor breakdowns each time I hear about yet another person that is 'with child.' I think it is very healthy to feel your feelings. And, believe me - I do. But, the good news is that I won't have any insane moments later in life that pop out of nowhere! Like the guy that walks into his workplace and just shoots everyone. That guy clearly should have let himself feel all of his feelings rather then letting it all build up to the (literal) point of explosion. If I could give you any advice it would simply be this ... feel your feelings people!!! Even if they hurt like hell.

I know that the only real void filler in life - is God Himself. I understand that having a child of my own - though that would add to our life - is not a void filler. So, rather than make the mistake of pining for a child to make me whole, I have been drawing even nearer to Jesus. I don't look at this time as a time of loss - or not having. I'm viewing it as an opportunity to sharpen my Faith. And, you know what - I am happy. I am feeling more whole than I've ever felt. And, I am thankful of what I do have - because it is a lot.

And, on that note - I will leave you with a picture (or two) that break my heart every time I look at them! What a little love muffin! I would like to introduce you to Tucker...he belongs to my brother, Nate's, family.

Frosty

Yesterday, I came home from work and saw this in my front yard.

After Rob got home from work (after being up since 2am-he plows), him and Emily created the best looking snow man I've seen. It made my heart happy! I'll be very sad when this rockstar melts.

I regret to inform you...

What an action packed week this has been! Monday we made dinner for Rob's parents and had them over so that they could see our house decorated for Christmas. Tuesday, I went out with my great friend, Amber (someday, I'll have to write an entire chapter about that cool girl). Wednesday, Rob's dad really wanted to make chili so we went over and ate it for him (ha!). Thursday, we went to a dinner for my chamber and then to Emily's Christmas concert at school. Tonight, I am heading out to see White Christmas at Genesee Theater. I have been wanting to go there since it re-opened and am excited to finally have the opportunity! Definitely an action-packed week, but December is just that kind of month. I have loved every bit of it, but I am exhausted.

My parents are out of town for a short visit to see my Nanny (my Mom's mom) in Michigan, so we're back on animal duty-too! Tonight, I got their mail and there was a card addressed to my Grandma. It made me very sad to think that she has a friend out there who doesn't even know she died. Reading the card quickly snapped me back into reality. In all my busyness, what I have loved was being with my people. Because that is all that matters when it comes down to it...your people. I came home and wrote out a Christmas card to Grandma's friend, Rosalie, who lives in Indiana but, who apparently grew up with her here based on some things she wrote in the card. My letter started with, I regret to inform you ...
...that my Grandma went to be with Jesus on October 3rd.

In all the rush and chaos of the season, I received the gift of a pause. A moment that sat me down to remember what this CHRISTmas season is all about.

A Moment of Silence

Life is a blur and then you die.
Life is a whirlwind and then you fall down.
Life is moving fast and I don't want to keep up anymore.

I am exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I realized today that I've turned to a new coping mechanism. I used to have other ones, but as I've evolved as a more whole person I have let them go. Busyness has become my drug of choice. I've become overly involved. Tonight, I seriously think I had a breakdown. It all started when I was carrying left-over food trays into the house from a party that our business co-sponsored. I dropped one of the huge trays in our driveway and the food spilled out (I'm sure there will be some appreciative, creepy animals out there later cleaning that mess up). I seriously wanted to lay down in the snow and cry. Rob did stop by the party earlier, but had to get home and get some sleep because he has been getting up at 12:30am (bless his heart) the past two days for snow cleanup. He was sleeping soundly until his maniac wife (um, that would be me) comes in slamming everything around. I couldn't help it...I went over the edge or something near it. He came out to see what in the world was happening in our kitchen and found me in a puddle of tears as I'm putting meatballs into tupperware. Sometimes you just need a good cry.

I realized I had to write tonight. Pretty or not. I'm just so tired of spinning life. I know that a lot of people feel this way. I am sure you do. I really think that is the cause of a lot of issues in our world today. We don't stop enough. I really just want to stop. Slow my roll. Shut er down.

I don't want to have to secure a date on the calendar in order to hit the pause button on my life. I want to incorporate the stopping into my daily life. I really like when you're at an event and the announcer says "can we now please have a moment of silence for such and such." I wish I had a loudspeaker that would pierce through this hectic world and just say..."um, can we please have a moment of silence before we all go postal!!!"

As I was typing the last paragraph, this bible verse came to mind (I bet you can guess who put it there).

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

God constantly reminds me that it doesn't have to be this way. It's my choice. I say yes to the busyness. I choose the chaos. And, why do I do that? Why do we do that? I think it's because reacting to life is so much easier than creating life. Reacting is not really making decisions about what you want (or don't want) in your life...it's just going along with everything that is happening around you. Whereas creating your life is making decisions to leave things behind, to lead a more focused life.

Wide Path vs. Narrow Path. One is easier. One is harder. One is draining. One is fulfilling. I'm learning that walking the narrow path is a daily decision. A choice that has to be made every single day. Even Jesus had to go to the mountain and leave the people. I clearly need some time on the mountain.

4th Grade Rocks my Socks!

I am loving having a 4th grader in my life. 4th grade was definitely one of my favorite years in school. I loved my teacher (she is now Emily's principle), I won the apple award, and 3rd grade was rough so of course that year was like a trillion times better!
But, what I remember most about 4th grade was learning the states and state capitals. I LOVED memorizing each one. I even remember taking the test. I was one of the first kids to turn mine in and I got them all right. A proud moment in my life!

I am super excited because Emily has reached the point in her 4th grade class where she is learning the beloved states and their capitals. Rob usually has helped her with her homework by the time I get home, but I requested to be the one to work with her on this. She is currently learning the NorthEast states. It's so crazy that FUN to me used to be a night out at a bar and now a FUN night to me is teaching Emily easy ways to memorize capitals. When did this happen? : )

And, people...the state capital of New Year is not New York City!!! Ha!
...(it's Albany)

Found

Found ... 2 adorable gray kittens. 1 male, 1 female.
So, yesterday when I got to work there was a note on my desk to call one of our clients who thinks they may have kittens from my parents house. Loooong story short, the kittens did in fact go on a field trip and followed some kids up the hill. They've been living in a neighbors house since Thanksgiving. They did call my parents and left a message thinking they could possibly belong to them, but of course they are out of town and I didn't think to check their phone messages. The interesting thing is that Monday I was praying really hard about those kittens. I couldn't believe how much it was bothering me. Monday is when the lady called the salon looking for me!

Mom and Dad will be home Friday and I can't wait. It's ridiculous how much I miss them and it's not because I'm tired of animal duty. I'm used to seeing my Dad every day at work and his to do list is really starting to pile up! :) And, I'm really missing mom's cooking. Sometimes I wonder when I am going to actually feel like an adult. Ha!

Embracing the Season

This year I am embracing the season! I have heard numerous times that the first Christmas without a loved one is terrible, but I have to admit that Grandma's passing has changed me in so many ways... for the better. Not necessarily noticeable ways that the outside world could detect. These changes are inside of me. I feel that when Grandma passed that I received a gift. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but it involves God's love and a peaceful heart (something I don't feel my heart has ever been). This is not to say that I don't miss her terribly. My Aunt Margie gave me Grandma's Daily Guidepost book for this year. Grandma loved reading those stories each day. When she was dying, we read them to her. I am so happy to have the last one that she was reading because I get how important that book was. For those of you that aren't familiar with it, it's a book that has a bible verse and little story for each day of the year...it helps you to start your day with God. Which is something that my Grandmother did her entire life.

I am actually more excited about Christmas this year then I have been since I was a child. I'm realizing how important and special traditions are...how they give you something to hold on to. The dynamics of a family change with each passing year. New traditions have to be made and I am excited to be in a position to create memories for my own little family. Emily has had her own (small) tree in her room since I came into her life. I bought ornaments and a purple tree skirt for it and she is so excited each year to decorate that tree. I feel proud because that was something I could give her. I also bought her a miniature nativity scene and each year that we bring it out we talk about the story of the birth of Christ. We also have a snowman that has the Christmas countdown on his belly. So each day that Emily is over she changes the number and announces to us how many days are left til' Christmas. These are moments that she will remember fondly. With each moment that I intentionally create for Emily, I think about my Grandma and how she was always doing that...creating moments for a little girl that would someday grow up and have her own family. Little did I know at the time that she was filling up my tank of things to hold on to. So much to hold on to.

The Herd

I've come to love the herd. The herd of animals that reside at my parents that is. They have been out of town for 1 week and 2 days (not that I am counting or anything). It feels like they have been gone for half a year. I'm not sure if it is because I am retrieving their mail, or because I am making sure their horses are still in the field, or if it has anything to do with the 20 cats that approach my jeep every time I roar up on the scene. Or maybe it feels like forever because each time I let the dogs out to run, I have to go on a man hunt to find them and bring them back to their kennel (these rascals make me appreciate my girl, Roxy, even more).

All I know is that I have come to love the herd. These animals are thrilled to see me (and just so you know a thrilled horse looks about as estatic as a non-thrilled horse, you really have to have a gift to tell the difference-ha!). I would like to think it's me...I've been known to be a dog, horse, or cat whisperer at times. But, I'm pretty sure their happiness involves food. I mean that's where most of my happiness lies.

The bottom line is that I am more whole when I am amongst these animals. Scooping up dog poo, carrying barn cats around like infants (that probably are infested with fleas), and doing the limbo underneath electric fences to get to the horses water trough just does it for me.

One thing that has occurred on my watch that I will not get over is that two kittens have gone missing. Mom kept the most recent litter of three kittens in their garage for the first few months of their lives because she really wanted to give them away rather than putting them amongst the wild ones at the barn. We ended up giving one to Melissa at the salon and the other two ended up down at the barn. I loved those kitties. I have never become attached to any of the barn cats until those two. And, they've been missing since Thursday. My hope was that they were on some sort of field trip. Or maybe they got tired of the barn and walked up to a nice warm home. Either way I refuse to believe that some animal got a hold of them. I prefer to live in denial. I know that's just life on "the farm," but that is the part I'll never get used to. It's a good thing Rob doesn't like cats, that will save us from having a house full when we live there. He recently told me that he'd rather have a pet pig then a cat. So, now I am reading Charlotte's Web and dreaming about having our very own pen full of pigs. He's going to have to be more careful about what he says to me.

Port Washington

One of these days I am going to get into a daily blogging habit, so much happens in a day...and I feel like writing about stuff days after the fact, just isn't as fun! But, I'll give it a whirl. Thanksgiving was lovely. My parents are out of town, so we spent the holiday with Rob's family. We don't get to spend much time with his family (other than his parents) so it was good quality time. Friday, I took the day off and for the first time ever did the "Black Friday" shopping. Rob was off - too - and we had Emily. We got up early and braved it out there in the world. It's hard to believe the economy is not doing well after seeing that mess! We did accomplish a lot and had a fun time, but it's not something I necessarily feel the need to do again. I worked yesterday and once I closed shop, Rob and I packed a bag and headed to Port Washington to stay at the
Port Hotel. It was outstanding. We received a gift certificate which is how we learned about the place. What a darling little town! Rob and I don't have much quiet alone time, so this gift was such a blessing! Our room had a fireplace and even better it had this ...

This is a Kohler “Water Haven” shower and we need to get one! The innkeeper told us that it cost about $8,000 and uses 12 gallons of water per minute (a normal shower is 2 gallons per minute). Whoa! Talk about feeling like you're under a waterfall.

Then, we came home today and I crashed this...

This is our Honda CRF 50 Dirtbike...which I clearly should not be riding! Needless to say, it has been an eventful weekend and I just feel really happy about it all...minus the bike crash, of course!

PW Book Signing

This week has been jam packed full of events. But, I'm just going to post about one thing at a time - otherwise this is going to be the longest post ever. I'll start with the Pioneer Woman book signing. Rob and I got there a few minutes prior to the start of the event. They were handing out numbers...we were number 253!!! Once you got your number you could walk around the store and hop back into the line at any time. We hadn't had dinner, yet, so we decided to walk next door to Maggiano's Little Italy. Yum! A little wine and a lot of pasta later, we went back to the signing...thinking our number would be close to being up. Not even close! She has this chair next to her behind the desk she was signing at and EVERY SINGLE PERSON got to sit down with her, have their book signed, and have a little conversation with her. I told Rob, "this is going to be really cool once it's our turn." We made some friends in the line, traded up our numbers as people were getting tired of waiting, and made the best of the waiting situation. We finally traded up to number 176. A little better. We didn't meet her until 11pm and I know that because right when I sat down with her they came up to tell her the store closes now so they basically wanted her to speed it up. There were LOTS of people behind us still. She was great. I then got to meet Marlboro Man (her husband) who was also really cool. He was impressed that Rob came with me and waited that entire time. Here are some pics from that event... (yeh, I know...I look like a cheese ball. You'd think I was meeting a major celebrity).

This is the Day...

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

What a week this has been. I can't even form it into words. It has been challenging, to say the least. This morning I had to just stop and spend quiet time with the Lord to be able to go on. Definitely needed to renew my spirit!

I hopped online after that and found that one of my favorite bloggers (http://thepioneerwoman.com) who just turned author is at the Barnes and Noble at Old Orchard Mall TONIGHT. She is the one who wrote the cookbook that I posted about. I am SO excited. I called Rob and he said he would go with me...what a guy! I don't find many opportunities to be spontaneous in my very scheduled life. So, this is a real treat. I did have to cancel dinner at Mom's, but she understands :)

Tomorrow, myself and the girls are going to see New Moon. If you haven't read the Twilight Series, you should. I vowed to never read those books, I couldn't understand how people got all sorts of crazy about vampires and werewolves. But, I needed to see what the fuss was all about. I read a ton, so I was curious to see what my opinion would be. Two words...LOVE IT.

This morning, I am on my way to "jail." It's a fundraiser to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy which my nephew, CJ, has. I had to raise $800 to make my bail...and I did it (and then some). I feel excited about that because this is something I CAN do. When a loved one has an illness, you feel helpless. You can't make it disappear. I definitely pray for that miracle and I definitely have my hope in the Lord. But, I also want to actively do something. So, this feels good. In addition, when Grandma passed we asked that in lieu of flowers a donation be made to one of three organizations. One of them was Muscular Dystrophy. So, in addition to my bail...I am bringing over $1,000, in checks, in remembrance of my very special Grandma. Praise God!

I think it's safe to declare...that today is going to be a really great day.

Prisoner of Hope

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12

Today has been a joy-filled day. From the moment I woke up, I felt it was going to be a fun day. Got my favorite coffee from my favorite local coffee joint, had a delightful day at work, and actually worked out in our fitness studio before coming home! It felt amazing. So what if I walked 27 minutes on the treadmill while reading a magazine that caught me up on the celebrity gossip. It still counts ... :)

I received a gift card to Barnes and Noble for my birthday from a dear friend. I was so excited about getting new books and I just knew I wouldn't be near a store in the next few days, so I went on their website and ordered 3 books...with money to spare! They didn't even charge me shipping. Gotta love that.

The books arrived while I was at work today (which added to the already wonderful day I was having).

My book choices definitely reflect where I am at in my life. Here they are...

"The Smart Stepmom" (by Ron L. Deal and Laura Petherbridge)-Practical Steps to Help You THRIVE.
I am truly blessed with the Stepmom gig because Emily is a super kid. She is the type of kid that I could easily fall in love with even if I wasn't nuts about her Dad. I know that if Emily was a different kind of kid that I would definitely have a different kind of marriage. I didn't get the book because I have a rotten step kid or because I don't know how to handle her. I got the book because that is what I do. I am someone who is hell bent on consciously creating my life. I want to be the best Stepmom that I can be. I am very aware that I play a key role in her life. I feel that we are in each other's lives for a purpose. And, I need to know that I gave my best to what God has given me. I came into her life when she was 6 (she's now 9) and I thank God for that age because it's magical. 6 years old...they love their teacher, they are open to going with the flow. Our relationship has always been natural, never forced. A. because she is an awesome kid and B. because I love her like she was mine. She is mine, but in a different kind of way. Oh, and the best part of this book (that I've noticed so far) is that it references the bible! Ah, once again the "secret" ingredient to making any relationship work.

"The Pioneer Woman Cooks" (Ree Drummond) Recipes From an Accidental Country Girl. Ree actually writes one of my favorite blogs (thepioneerwoman.com).
She is my kind of writer...inspiring, creative, real and hilarious! This is her first book and it's now a New York Times Bestseller thanks to her blog. I feel a shift in my life where I want to be more of a caretaker (not in a healthy, I'm not taking care of myself kind of way)...like I want to feed people...with joy in my heart! I know Ashley (www.ourlovelikeafingerprint.blogspot.com) hears me loud and clear. We've had this conversation (and then some). :) By the way Ash, I still don't know how to do links on here!!!

And, finally the book that inspired this post to begin with (gosh it took a long time for me to get to this point).
"It's Your Time" (Joel Osteen). In the book, Joel immediately noted Zechariah 9:12 and how we should be prisoners of Hope! I really feel that having hope is what I need to be focused on right now. And, when I say focused ... I mean the horse blinders have got to be on! Like a one track mind for hope. Hope is something that I currently sway in and out of. Today, I am hopeful...but, that is because it's been a spectacular day. Tomorrow, I might feel hopeless. I know that God is working to get me to the point of being hopeful no matter the weather. I truly believe that we are not yet pregnant because God is building up Hope in my heart. He wants me to be expectant, not doubting. He knows I can't get to that place if I immediately get what I want. It's really interesting to me that the less I get what I've been asking for...the more of a believer I become. I guess because it all just takes time! It's a slow process...not a quick fix like this world wants to offer us at every turn.

If I have to suffer to know God, so be it. I can honestly say that I would much rather be walking the narrow and painful path...than the wide and fleeting path.

I had the best day ...

...with you, today!

Today is Veteran's Day and it is also Rob and my 2nd Anniversary!!! When we chose November 11th, it was without realizing that it is a National Holiday. This has turned out to be a double blessing as Rob gets that day off each year. So, I took the day off - too. It has been a wonderful day. We ate out for all 3 meals...now if that doesn't make for a spectacular day!!! Yep, I like food.

I am super happy being married to Rob. He just gets it. I remember when we first started dating I was afraid that him being so amazing wasn't going to last. It was all too good to be true! Then, I met his parents...and I knew he was the real deal. He comes from good people.

He is thoughtful, generous, playful, funny and very loving. He is definitely more romantic than me...always full of surprises. He makes my life easier...whether it be making my lunch while I am rushing to get ready for work early on Saturday mornings, or putting gas in the car because I always (and I do mean always) wait for the "dummy" light to come on!

I told him that on 11-11-11 (which will be our 5 year anniversary) that we should do something crazy special...I'm thinking some place WARM.

Feeling the Love

Yesterday, Mom and I went to a hair show in Lake Geneva at the Grand Geneva Resort (love it). The staff of stylists went both Sunday and Monday. They were able to earn their CEU's (hours they have to maintain to keep their license valid) as well as become inspired and learn some new techniques! Today, we are going to meet and discuss the show so they can give each other tips they acquired and ideas/suggestions that they might have. Looking forward to that.

We went to a wonderful class in the morning that really renewed my working spirit. I have a tendency to become "bogged down" by information. So many great ideas, so little time and energy to maintain the focus that is necessary. Yesterday's class, however, was all about loving your staff and thinking about them and their goals. You can't help but be a success when the focus is off of you and what you are going through. When the focus is placed on others, everyone wins!

This made me think about Jesus and how he was a servant leader. He washed his disciples feet so that they would learn from him to do the same. I read somewhere how the best way to cure feelings of depression is to stop thinking about yourself and think about someone else...by calling them, sending them a card, taking them to lunch (the options are endless). I have definitely found that when I am focusing too much on myself, I am not really happy. Because I am spending precious time thinking about what I should/could be doing...how I could fix this or that about myself and my life. When really the only thing I "should" be doing is slowing down, taking it all in, loving others, thinking about others and how I might brighten their day (rather than my own). In turn, I will feel a whole lot better.

All this from a hair show!!! Definitely feeling the love today.

Speaking of love... My favorite nephew, CJ, turns 8 today!!!

Resurrection

Sunday I began a resurrection project. There's no looking back. It's an uphill journey and it's going to be for awhile.

Sunday, I spent the entire day at Grandma and Grandpa's house by myself. I am officially the Project Manager. The organizer. The decision maker. You see my Grandparents have a beautiful home that Rob and I will be moving into someday. But, it's filled with lots and lots of stuff. I spent the day sorting through cabinets, drawers, medicine cabinets, closets. Looking each item over, thinking about it, making a decision about where it will end up. It was emotionally exhausting. But, it was also extremely inspiring (more on that in a future post).

What day will we move in? I haven't a clue. I mean we still have a house to sell. I found a little note in a drawer that said my Grandparents moved in on February 4th, 1961. I imagine the excitement they must have felt to finally have it built. To move in and call it Home. To raise the family there. To grow old there. It's that kind of place. The one that you move in to and stay put for a long, long time. It's a commitment.

But, it's filled with endless possibilities for creating precious life-filled moments. I can look out the windows and see hundreds of trees, a family of deer, foxes, lots and lots of barn cats, horses. We can hop on our go-cart, scooter, or my brother's 4-wheeler. Heck a John Deer tractor or a backhoe if we wanted!!! Roxy will have lots of smelling to do. She can chase kitties into the woods (she would never hurt one, she just wants to be friends). She can go visit Grandma (my Mom) and eat leftover steak (hot and fresh off of the grill). There will be endless leaves to rake and then jump in, wood to chop and then burn in the fireplace, brownies to bake for unexpected visitors, meals to pray over. There will be beautiful sunsets over the field, flowers to plant, weeds to pull, tons of grass to mow. A great place to raise kids. I love the idea of our children playing near the stream, riding their bikes down the big hill, learning about nature...rather than sitting in front of a t.v playing video games.

This is the kind of place that needs a lot of attention...in fact, this house begs for it. This house is very much alive. This house has spirit. This house is used to activity. This house is used to love. This house is used to laughter. This house is used to smelling like freshly baked cookies. Rob and I have been mulling over the decision for a long time now. Going back and forth. Telling ourselves that we aren't the kind of people that can keep up a house like this. So much house, so much landscaping. We already feel busy.

In those final moments of hesitation, the house won by throwing down two cards that it knew we couldn't resist ... Family and Joy.

Scanning Junkie!

I am so stoked about one of my birthday presents that I received from Rob. It's a printer/scanner. I have never scanned a picture in my life (well, once at Walgreens). It's one of those things that in my mind was hard. Well, tonight I have turned into a scanning junkie! I am so digging this. After Grandma passed pictures became very important to me...looking at pictures, taking pictures. She was really great at documenting Her life. So, in honor of Grandma and my new addiction...here is my first ever scanned picture. It's me and Grandma in front of our 'someday' house. And, because Grandma was so good at documentation...I know that this picture was taken in May of 1980 (I was a year and a half).
This is my shortest post - ever !!! But, I'm out because I've got some serious scanning to do. Ha!

63 & 31

Tomorrow my Dad will be 63 and I will be 31. Next year I will be exactly half his age. Sharing your birthday with someone as important as your Father makes your birthday extra special. Double the joy! Mom always makes an amazing dinner (our favorite is roast and mashed potatoes). Usually she makes us both our own cake. Mine is always Red Velvet and Dad's is usually Banana (some years his cake request is different). One year Mom was out of red food coloring and made me a Purple Velvet cake. This year she is not making my cake, it's the first time - ever. It's a lot of work (she does not make cakes from a box), I told her not to worry about it. I meant it, but at the same time I just felt like things are starting to change. Grandma won't be here.

One of my greatest friends ever, Erin, called me tonight and told me her Mom has Lymphoma... cancer. Tomorrow, they find out exactly what stage it is in. I can never get used to the fact that life can take a serious turn in one single day. I am sad over a cake and the change that signifies, and here my dear friend is worrying about her Mother's future. The good news is that the family is close and have Faith. I am reminded over and over again that life is a gift. We are blessed to even be living and breathing on this Earth.

The fact is life here on Earth is not fair. People who don't want babies become pregnant. People who want babies can't have babies. People who take good care of themselves get cancer. People who drink and smoke and do drugs don't get cancer. I can't even try to make sense of this.

I have moments of feeling defeated by all that surrounds me. So many people that I love are hurting. But, I will not disappoint God by not trusting His plan for all of His children. We were not promised an easy road. But, we were promised that we would not be alone.


Tonight, Rob and Emily surprised me with a Red Velvet cake from a local bakery. So, it wasn't Mom's homemade - but, it was still given to me with love. And, it was good. A reminder that while life changes ... (and it has to)... new traditions can begin.

This Little Girl

Jesus said, "let the little children come to me." (Luke 18:16)

This morning, this little girl was baptized. This is my 'going on 6' year old niece, Alyssa, who accepted Christ into her heart in front of her entire congregation.
Alyssa's family, my parents, and Alyssa's other grandparents all attend the same church. I am really proud of my brother, Nathan, and his wife Monica for bringing up their kids in the church. They know about Jesus. They have an understanding about Him that some adults don't have. They have recently experienced loss (their dog, Halle) and then Grandma...who they called GiGi. I know that learning about Jesus and Heaven has really helped them to work through those emotions they have not yet had to experience.

It was such a precious moment. Pastor Dave (who is amazing) said they just couldn't hold her back, she so badly wanted to be baptized. It was really great to be in church this morning.

A few rows ahead of us was a little baby girl being held and she was facing backwards. Every time I looked her way, the tears welled up in my eyes. I keep thinking that I am fine about all of this, but moments like that show me that it's not really something I will ever be 100% fine about. I think I am becoming even more emotional about losing Faith now that I finally have the courage to try again. I think because now that I am ready (it took over a year) to travel that route that it should happen quickly while I am feeling brave. I want to say, "Hurry up,God, before I chicken out!" But, He so gently reminds me that it's his timing, not mine, and that no matter how I am feeling when it happens that He is so there for me.

Running Deep

Life has always proven itself to be unexpected to me. I never would have thought that I would be sitting here ... a few short weeks away from turning 31, on my second marriage, with no kids of my own and a 9 year old step-daughter(you really can't predict these things).

I have a lot of thoughts about my life that I don't share. Isn't that life though? The parts you show people and the parts you don't. It's not that I don't want to share all of me, I just can't. The same way that none of us can really truly ever share all that lies within is.

I think this blog is a pretty decent reflection of who I am. I run deep. I can't seem to write about regular daily occurrences (and believe me I want to). Life is so heavy to me. No matter how I appear on the outside, inside I am always taking it all in...weighing it, analyzing it, trying to find meaning in it.

I find it hard to let go, to seize the day. Now if letting go and seizing the day were on my to-do list and I could check it off - then, and only then I could probably manage it. This is not to say I don't have fun because I do. This is just to say that in the midst of having fun, there is always a big part of me that is somewhere else ... walking around inside of my non-letting go mind.

One of these days I'm really going to throw you off and write a blog about what I ate for breakfast...

What season is this?

Tonight I am thinking a lot about the beginning of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

I am clearly in a season, but at this exact moment I am having trouble determining what season that might be.

Yesterday, I took my Dad to have a tumor removed from his bladder. He found out about it while my Grandma was dying. He will have the biopsy results in a few weeks. According to my google search (ha), bladder tumors in white men over 50 are more common and typically those tumors are non - cancerous. So, we'll go with that...I'm trying really hard for my mind to not automatically go to worst case scenario (which I have gotten really good at since losing our baby). The good news is that I can handle being in hospitals for long stretches of time, I am comfortable looking death in the eye, and I am somewhat okay with the fact that this life is fleeting. I am not really that happy about any of this, but am coming to the realization that there has been a huge loss of innocence in my life these past handful of years...and these things that I am now okay with are really muscles I've had to build to manage my earthly life. I try not to think about any one thing to long...like how my 8 year old nephew, CJ, has a terminal illness (Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy) or how his Grandma (my sis-in-law's mother) has bone cancer, or if I'll ever get to have my own child. I can't visit these places too long because it gets a little dark in there.
There is one bible verse that I rest in every time I find myself in that unlit cavern. This verse has saved me from being depressed and hopeless. This one small verse packs a perfect punch.

Colossians 3:2 "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."

Such a simple yet powerful statement. Instant perspective.

I love reading. It's what I do. A shelf full of books equals happiness in my world. One day after feeling lost, I felt God's presence and I had this sense of knowing that I could read all the books in the world, but unless I read His book I would always be lost. The bible used to intimidate me, but now I hunger for it. Everything you ever need is in that book. I have not read it in its entirety. I don't read it like I read other books...from beginning to end. I just open it and that (very much alive) book speaks to me every single time. The more I read the bible, the more I find God. The less I read the bible, the less I find God. We are meant to use His book. It's a beacon.

After writing here tonight, I realized that when I look back on my life that this will be the season where I drew nearest to God. The season where I developed faith, trust, hope. Pretty words, but the boot camp to attaining them ain't no joke! The season where I haven't let a day pass without thinking about God. The relationship used to be like 'game on' ... 'game off' ... now it is strictly GAME ON! The season where I learned that no matter what happens here, everything really will be ok.

Joy in the Ordinary

"The joy of the LORD is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

At Grandma's funeral the Pastor spoke about how often people are summed up at the end of their lives by what they did for work, what activities they enjoyed, and what they were involved with. It was really very cool because he said that the only thing he felt that defined Her life was her relationship with God. I thought about how her mission was to have all over her loved ones love Jesus and have that relationship with Him. She was never pushy about it. She simply led by example.

I am thinking today about how often we are looking for the next thing to make us happy. Right now for me I feel that would be a baby and moving into Grandma and Grandpa's house. Certainly those would make me extremely happy, but I think I often make the mistake in thinking that I won't really truly be happy until I have that. And, if I keep thinking that way - it will be true.

I've been really attempting to find joy in the ordinary day the way my Grandma did. Every moment of every day was an occasion for her. She got it. She got joy because she didn't wait for the big stuff to be happy...

I've felt joyful this weekend. Yesterday, we took Emily to a pumpkin farm and bought pumpkins and went into a little haunted house they had there. I'm going to bake the pumpkin seeds. I've always wanted to do that. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in baking them. I might even wear one of Grandma's aprons. Tonight we're having Rob's parents over for dinner. I'm making chili. My first time. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in that - too. Afterwards, we're all going to go bowling. The local bowling alley is having $1 bowling for today's holiday (Columbus Day). And, you know what? Yep, you guessed it ... I am SO going to find joy in that.

You see...my Grandma's example is more alive in my heart today than it was when she was here. Her leaving has made me rethink a lot of things. I really, really believe that finding the joy in the ordinary day is the secret to loving life. There are a lot more ordinary days than big ones!

Ask

Last night I had about 20 minutes to myself. I took that precious time to read the bible and pray. I was feeling very lonely for Grandma. I was feeling lonely for God. I prayed to receive a sign that he was near and that she was with Him. Not because I need signs to believe, but because sometimes I just need a little something to keep going. My whole heart was in that prayer. The room was quiet (gosh, how I have missed quiet) and peaceful. Rob came home shortly after with Emily. He had the mail and asked me to come and sit down with him. There was a sympathy card from his Aunt Maryanne that he had just read. She inserted a picture that she took last weekend of the most beautiful rainbow that I have ever seen. There was so much purple in the rainbow (normally I never see purple). Purple was my Grandma's favorite color. On the back of the picture she wrote that she took the picture in Michigan (they were out of town for a family reunion) on get this ... Saturday, October 3rd. She wrote in the card that she "believes that God wants me to see the glimpse of what my Grandma is experiencing in His presence." Wow!

There is more ... I was very upset last week because by the time I went to get the News Sun to cut out Grandma's obituary - they were sold out. Yesterday, I received another card and it was from a good friend of mine's mom. In the card was my Grandma's obituary.

God is always near. But, He likes to be sought after. Grandma is in Heaven. We are vessels of His love. My prayer today is to be a vessel for others. Life gets so hectic and busy and it's really easy to be preoccupied with yourself and what you're dealing with. I am reminded in their thoughtfulness, that when I take the time to get outside of my head and really think about others...that I too can help God help someone else.

Search Me

This has been a big week in my life. I am thrilled that it is the weekend because I need some serious quiet time to wrap my head around all that has happened.

My Grandma had picked out scripture that she wanted read at her funeral. One of the readings was Psalms 139. I have been thinking a lot about this message since Wednesday after the Pastor had read it to us. Then, the other night I watched Joyce Meyer on t.v and her talk was on this exact Psalm! She was talking about how the little things we do (or don't do) really do matter. She used to never put her grocery cart back where it went and when she became right with the Lord, he would convict her of it until she finally began putting it back every single time. The moral of her story was that He pays attention to what we do when no one is looking (no matter how small we may think it is). This reminded me of a time (in the not so distant past) when Rob and I went to the movies. We snuck in our own drinks. I was so paranoid about it, it just didn't feel right. And, looking back it's because I was being convicted. I wouldn't have given the act that much thought a few years ago, but now that I am walking the narrow path it felt bad. I had a 16oz plastic bottle of diet coke. I didn't screw the top all the way back on and I ended up knocking it onto the floor (caused by my paranoia). The pop rolled under the seat of the guy in front of us and proceeded to spin around in circles under his chair. Pop was spraying from the floor all over him. I could have died. Rob got some napkins and apologized all over the place. I couldn't even speak.

When you decide to live your life His way, He really does help to teach you what that means (and sometimes He's really comical about it). Needless to say, Rob and I went on a movie date last night and we did not bring anything in...and I never will again.

On that note, I will leave you with the beginning verses of Psalms 139.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This was my Grandma's favorite bible verse. She went to be with the Lord, this morning, at 10:10am.

The details are hard, but necessary to write (for myself). Yesterday, I spent 13 straight hours at my Aunt's house just sitting. Sitting with Grandma, sitting with my family. I have done a lot of sitting. Sitting is different when you are near a deathbed. Time passes quickly in the room where she lay. I became addicted to the sitting. I couldn't look away from her for fear that I would miss the moment that He took her to be with Him. Lots of memorable conversations took place around that bed. There were a lot of tears...always a single box of kleenex being passed around the room. There was also laughter. Stories that I'd never heard, moments that will always be held near and dear to my heart.

Grandma was tense and clenching her teeth a lot yesterday. Her earthly body was agitated. It was hard to watch, but I kept watching. The hospice nurse called and said it was time for the morphine, it would calm her. But, it would also slow her heart. This was a big decision for my Dad and his 3 sisters...both of my Grandpa's died pretty quickly after the morphine was put into their systems. We all knew without having to say a word what this would mean. She made it through the night, we were all surprised (once again). But, I was so thrilled when I did not wake up to a dreadful phone call this morning. I knew then that I would have my wish of being with her when she passed. I called my mom and told her I was on my way and wanted to know what to expect. She told me that she was gasping for air and that it was close. I sat in the room and watched as she took those breaths. Every single one counted. The room was eerie. My Grandma has been on oxygen 24/7 for the past 3 or so years. My Dad asked us what we thought about taking it off (which I know was incredibly hard for him). Everyone agreed that it was prolonging her struggle. My mom (the brave one who is completely comfortable with doing dead people's hair) said that she would turn it off. As soon as she got up to go into the hallway to turn it off, my Grandma smiled her big beautiful smile. My mom missed it, but the rest of us didn't. It was confirmation to her children that what they were doing was good (because Lord knows it's not something that felt good). Not long after, her breathing slowed. And, then it stopped. We continued to sit. We sat with our tears. We sat with our relief that she is in a better place. We sat with each other... all thankful of having had her in our lives.

Something really cool happened before I left the house, this morning. I spotted the mail sitting on the table that Rob must have put there yesterday. And, of all things was a letter from Niha - the little girl in India (who shares Faith's birthday)that we are sponsoring through the Compassion Program. I wrote her a long, long time ago. I knew it would take awhile to receive a response because they tell you that up front. Of all days for me to read it. A coincidence? I don't believe in those. She drew and colored a picture of a mango! A translator introduced himself first and then wrote for her. She told me I was an angel sent by God for her life. I knew after I put the letter back into its envelope that God was near. And, I knew that today I would 'lose' my Grandma that I love so much. And, finally I knew that everything would be ok.


You can't help but travel deep within yourself when death of a loved one is just a breath away. I have all sorts of thoughts and feelings about this journey of 'losing' Grandma. But, today I just want to honor Her. Special, beautiful, lovely, precious, sweet, Grandma. I pictured her in Heaven surrounded by love and light. Not for the mere purpose of comforting myself...but, because I believe.

First Class Ticket To Heaven

Early last week my Grandma told Lettie (her Hospice bathing nurse) something about going next Friday (as in today) at 11:15 and there is a line. Lettie told my Aunt that if Grandma dies that day and especially at that time she is going to be "really spooked." We honestly didn't think Grandma would still be with us by today, so the "prediction" seemed like nonsense. But, here we are...Friday, October 2nd. I visited Grandma last night and she did wake up, she did see us, she did smile with her eyes...she couldn't talk. I yawned at one point (it was late for me) and she was trying to talk to me directly...every time she does that we all think she is going to say something profound so we quickly become silent (which is hard for us-ha!)...I couldn't understand, she kept repeating ... then, I tried really hard to read her lips and of all things she was asking me if I was tired. Oh Grandma! STILL concerned with her babies. She is so precious.

Last week, when Grandma could speak a little. She talked about seeing people that were dead. She saw her mom outside the window talking to Billy a neighbor she had when she was growing up (that her children didn't even know), she saw her Daddy...she saw her brother and sisters and her favorite cousin Alec. She also kept speaking of a man outside her window and what a gentleman he is. My mom was sitting with her one time and Grandma was sleeping, but looked lovely and was smiling. My mom said she never looked so good. Grandma woke up then and told my mom " well,that was a nice place to go." My mom asked her where she went and Grandma stopped talking and shut her eyes again. For those that do not believe in God, this might seem like the talk of a confused dying person. But, know that my Grandma is not in pain...she is not taking drugs (though morphine resides in a cabinet down the hall, if necessary). This is a woman who has lived her entire life for Jesus. And, she has been getting glimpses of Heaven. You see, as much as my Grandma loves Jesus...she loves living. She loves being here for all of the amazing moments and the ordinary ones - too. As much as she wants to go to Heaven...she doesn't want to miss anything here. So, they are calling her...her most important people are showing up. At one point Grandma said that her older sister (Clara) was holding flowers...waiting...my Grandma LOVES flowers. They are luring her towards them. As painful as it is to lose her, it has been an honor to watch her dip into her heavenly home. How blessed our family is to be able to witness this. It truly is a gift. Faith is believing without seeing...but, it sure is nice to 'see' sometimes! I feel like He is letting us see.

Last night I had a dream about my Grandpa (her husband). He was wearing a suit and looked beautiful....radiant, perfect. He was waiting for her and he told me that I was pregnant. I have asked God for many things over the years, but the only really big thing I asked for was that Grandma see my baby. When we 'lost' Faith last summer, the first thing that came to mind was that Grandma was not going to be alive to see my baby. But, God always has a plan and it's always better even if it hurts like hell. You see, I might be the only one without a child .... here. It took me a long time to realize that I have one waiting for Her. This is not quite how my prayer to God looked ... but, again I learned something valuable in our loss. He giveth, and he taketh...and there is a reason. Trusting God is HUGE. Of course I have moments of struggling with that, but I do trust Him. Trusting God is not something that just happened...it's something I had to experience.


This morning, I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that Grandma's going. Her blood pressure is low, her heart is not beating fast like it has been for the past few weeks, and after seeing her last night I know that Heaven has been waiting ever so patiently for her. I am going to be with my family. My heart can be no other place.

The Journey Home

My Grandpa H. died in 2001. He had cancer and we watched him deteriorate for a long time and proceeded to watch as he was dying for 3 long months. It was a hard time, but the family was always together and in that time of mourning we created memories to keep us together. I never wanted that slow fade for my Grandma. I prayed for her to go "gently in the night" when her time came.

After she broke her hip, I read a lot about that and learned that a hip fracture (in older women)is usually the beginning of the end...and so it has been for her.

I think we all thought she would bounce back because she has so many times. She is such a fighter! Her spirit is absolutely amazing. She has never wanted to "give in." But, she is at that place. She hasn't eaten, hasn't got out of bed, and is half here and half not here. Yesterday, I spent the entire day near her. We sang to her (badly), we loved her and we cried a lot. Again, in this sad time our family has created a lot of good moments together. What a blessing a close family is. I don't want her to suffer, but I also don't want to lose her...because once her presence is gone, nothing will ever be the same.

The morning my Grandpa died, my mom came in my room and told me that it was time, and asked if I wanted to be in the room when he passed. I pulled the covers over my head and cried. I did not go. As sick and 'out of it' as my Grandpa was he knew right when he was going to die and called all of his children to come. They watched as he passed from His earthly life into His new Heavenly life. At the time, that was not beautiful to me ... that was downright scary! But, I am in a different place now. And, I so desire to be in the room when Grandma goes. So we watch and we wait and it all feels like a dream. I know where she is going, and yes that does bring comfort. And, last week before she took this severe downturn I sat with her and we had a lovely, lovely visit. We always do. She has given me so much to hold on to. A long time ago, I asked her to send me a sign from Heaven that only I would understand. She said she would. Not because I don't believe, but because I just think that would be awesome. I brought this up after she broke her hip and she told me that she remembered. I can't wait to see what it's going to be. I know that if I truly believe (and I do), that I will receive that sign.

Yesterday, I whispered to her that when I moved into her house I was going to bake all the time. I have no idea where that came from! But, I have always been a keeper of my word...and so it looks like I might turn into Molly Homemaker after all.

Today, I am grateful that even though this is a sad time, it's also a time of celebration. My Grandma has lived her entire life for Jesus. She read her bible everyday before her day began. She prayed for her family and people who needed prayers every single day. Even when she was not doing well, she still always prayed for all of us. She always had that sweet, childlike wonder and faith about her. How wonderful it is that she is going Home to the one that has made her so special.

Faith's Garden

Saturday morning Rob and I woke up at 4:30am to go and watch the sunrise. Totally his idea (I do not come up with ideas that involve waking while it's still dark out). That morning he is nudging me to get up because it's a special day. Since it was the anniversary of losing our baby girl, I got up without whining. The only time I ever get up that early is if I am going to the airport. My husband gets up that early every single day for work...bless his heart! I would be a monster!!! People would hate me. Roxy didn't even want to get up and she loves going for rides more than anything in her life. But, like me she pushed through and off we went. First we went and got coffee at our fave local joint(and bless those people for being up that early every morning-too) and then to the lake we went. It was very cloudy and we didn't actually see the sun rise...but, it was still cool. Glimpses of orange light through the clouds...it was nice. Then, we came home and got ready for the day. We went and ate breakfast at a place that we've both driven past one hundred times. It was perfect. So cute and so good. Unexpected goodness. I love it. I would rather go out for breakfast than any other meal. I think it is so fun!

In honor of Faith, my mom and I decided to fix up this wild garden at my grandma's house (almost our house) that my Aunt Beanie (her name is Belinda, but she is Beanie to me) put together when she was living with my Grandma about 5 years ago. It's this amazing garden full of perennials. I have always liked it because it is a hot mess! I don't like perfect order when it comes to flowers. I like chaos! I feel like a garden has so much more life...like the plants are untamed (though they will be mildly tamed once we get our hands on them). My mom was out of town this past weekend so we are going to get to work soon. Beanie will be in town and she said she'd help us. On Saturday, Rob and I bought a small cross statue to put in front of the garden. We brought it to the site and I said a prayer. It was sweet. And, sad. I decided that every year on the anniversary that I want to add something to the garden. Whether it be a fountain, a little bridge, or the introduction of a new plant to the mix. I might just get a green thumb yet! I think moving to Grandma's house is going to turn me into so much more of a woman. Before you know it I will be cooking amazing dinners while wearing one of her aprons!

Sweet Little Baby

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10)

In Honor of Faith Marie January
August 22nd, 2008

Precious little baby
sweet little girl
did you know you were coming
to save me from this world?

Tiny little fingers
wrapped around mine
for a keepsake picture
that stands frozen in time.

Our life lost its direction
the day you had to go
we quietly held you
the pain so sharp and slow.

Picking up the pieces
because that's what we have to do
feeling a sense of loss
this is not just something to get through.

One year later
as the tears still fall
trying not to question
or make sense of it all.

Trusting in the Father
who has always been near
envisioning you in Heaven
as we gradually release the mounds of fear.

A Game Worth Playing

Despite the pain and suffering in this world, there is still so much beauty to be found. Every once in awhile I play this 'game' with myself. I call it "Finding Jesus." I 'should' play it everyday, but I am imperfect (I know, what a surprise). It goes like this ... say to yourself, "Self (ha), go 'find' Jesus today." It's a way of consciously being aware of Him. And, you know what ... I find Him a ton when I am looking. I do know that he is always there, but sometimes it helps our very human minds to visually see Him. On the days that I am looking for Him, I find myself being more loving, and more emotionally available to people. On those days I am aware of the fact that someone might find Jesus when they look at me.

Here are just a few examples of how I find Jesus:

A sign along the road that says Jesus Saves.
A phone call from a friend that you've been thinking about and meaning to call.
Turning to the perfect bible verse that speaks straight to your heart.
A deep conversation that needed to be had.
A sky full of color. (I took the pics in this post last week at our marina)
A single flower among a garden of weeds.
Really, the list goes on ... Jesus works through many avenues... people, animals, landscape, the word. I always find Him when I am looking. You can't play this game half-heartedly though. You must be open-minded and expectant. I challenge you to play! You will always come out a winner.

Home Sweet Home

I've lived a handful of places.

My first move out of my parents house was to Chicago! I worked for a big corporation and a friend, Amy, that I met there and I decided to get a place together. She already lived in the city. I knew prior to moving there that I was more of a country girl and less of a city girl, but I also felt the need to do it for the experiences that it would provide. Coming from a small town you realize how closed minded you can become about the world around you. My eyes definitely opened to a lot of things. I loved my time there. I lived in Roscoe Village which is a neighborhood close to Wrigleyville. Close to the action, but far enough away to have more of a quiet feel. I didn't stay longer than a year because while I lived there, my grandfather was dying of cancer (my Dad's father), my nephew, CJ, was about to be born and I ended up dating someone (my first husband, Rich) who lived here! I had my fun, and then I just wanted to come home.

I moved back to my parents. Got engaged, and Rich and I rented an apartment that was really the upstairs of a house that was turned into a living space. It was so little, and cute. My Dad always called that place a tree fort. When you are just starting out, it's not really about the size, it's about having something that is simply yours.

Rich and I bought a house after that. I knew right when we walked in that it was going to be the one. I loved having all that space after living in the tree fort. The backyard was large and fenced in, so we got Roxy! Rich and I later divorced. I kept the house and the dog.

Fast forward to present...married to Rob, living in 'his' house. While I like it here and it does feel homey, it's not home. Maybe because he already had the house and we didn't purchase it together. There is also no room to grow here. It's a 2 bedroom, 1 bath. One room is ours, one room is Emily's. When I was pregnant with Faith, we were house hunting for something larger, but nothing felt right. After she passed, so did the dream of moving. Time went by, and I felt a sudden desire to explore buying my grandma and grandpa's house. I had never even thought of living there before. I really feel that God himself placed the desire in my heart (he does stuff like that, you know). It surprised me. Rob and I have discussed it a lot...talking ourselves out of it several times. It's more money than we're used to paying, and it's A LOT of upkeep. But, with all of that being said - it just feels right. My grandma so badly wanted the house to be kept in the family. I know what that house is. I spent a lot of time there. It is a very well kept house. No one has lived in it for over 3 years. It does need some updating, but it's the kind of stuff you can do as you live there. I am super excited to bring the house 'back to life.' Yesterday, my dad and I spent the entire day doing work outside of the house. Today, I am working on our house to get it ready to put on the market. It's a bad time to sell, but when God is in something - mountains move. I just have to continue to have Faith, and not to become discouraged. I know that it is all going to work out, I just don't know how long it's going to take. But, I am moving ahead with complete trust in the one that does know.

Special Lady

There is a special lady that I would love for you to meet.
I see Jesus in her every time we greet.

When I was a child she made me miniature pies.
When I am feeling down, all I have to do is look in her eyes.

She's lived a full life and has loved like no other.
She plays many roles, but my favorite is Grandmother.

She knows the secret to mastering this life.
It's not what you know, but who you know.
His name is Jesus Christ.

I love my Grandma. She fell and broke her hip a few weeks ago at my parents house. She then had surgery and made it through like the champ that she is! Then, she was moved to a rehabilitation facility and began doing physical therapy twice a day. It took a lot out of her, but she has a very determined spirit. This past Sunday, Rob, Emily and I were excited to bring her some treats from The Elegant Farmer (a really cool place that we had never been to before). We walked in and my parents were there and told us that an ambulance was coming to get her right then. She has an infection. I just started sobbing. I hugged her tightly and she whispered to me that she has been praying for me. If that doesn't tell you something about my Grandma, I don't know what will. She's about to be put in an ambulance and taken back to the hospital and she's telling me that she's been praying for ME. We have always had a very special bond. When I was in 3rd grade my parents built a house on my grandparents land (they have 36 acres and it's amazing). I grew up living next door to my grandma and grandpa (my father's parents)! I have loads of wonderful memories. When I was a child, it bothered me that we did not have neighbors. But, looking back I realize how blessed we were to grow up on that land. It's so beautiful and quiet. I took the rest of the week off of work and the time off does have a purpose and it does involve my love for that land. Stay tuned...

He's Just Right Here

So, I did end up getting my Faith tattoo. It was something that I had to do. She will always be alive in my heart, but I needed her to be remembered beyond myself. She happened. She lived - inside of me. And, now in Heaven with her big daddy. After I gave birth to her (knowing she wasn't coming home with us) I felt like a damn warrior. I couldn't believe I was capable of delivering a child under those conditions (not that I had a choice, of course). I wanted to be marked. I want future children and grandchildren to know that she came and she went and she will always be. Most of the time I feel alone with our loss. Not because others don't care, but because I am the only one that felt her. I want the world to know about this little tiny baby that altered my heart. I am a woman who understands the dark night of the soul. And, I am stronger. I no longer think of Jesus as intangible. He is SO within reach. One day at the salon I was talking to an older client named Irene (who just turned 90). I was telling her about how I've been starting each day with a bible study and devotional and how amazing it is that by the time I am halfway through the day all the 'good work' I've done manages to unravel itself. She said something that I will never (as in NOT EVER) forget. Irene said, "Honey, you're making it so hard." "All you have to do is stop and just remember, that he is just right here." She put her hand over her heart when she said that...and I got the point. I can't tell you how many times I've just had to stop myself and say (in my head)..."he is just right here." To me that means everything is ok. Everything is as it should be. Whether it hurts or not. The thing about Irene is that she is 90. And, she is always smiling and it turns a light on inside of me every time I see her. She has not been defeated by life. And, she has been through lots of heartache herself. She is not smiling because she has lived a long life free of pain. She is smiling because she knows Him. She knows that he is always there. And, that my friends is something to smile about.