Green Lights & God

I told my favorite nurse, Adele, this morning that I feel like God gave me all green lights with this pregnancy. I feel like I did good with my loss and suffering...not perfect...but, good. I honored God, I trusted Him, I deepened my walk with Him. Again, not perfect, nowhere near, but I did good. And, I feel like He took all that I've been through and just gave me the green light pass through this pregnancy. Sure, there were scares in the beginning. There was spotting and then there was a polyp on my cervix that needed removing. And yep, I got a total of 20 shots of progesterone (in my butt, I might add) ... 20 weeks in a row! Lots and lots of Dr. appointments. Eli is an expensive baby. Rob has decent insurance, but they can only take care of so much. With all that being said, this pregnancy has been EASY. I have enjoyed it. I never would have thought that I could have after losing Faith, but God did a good work in me leading up to becoming pregnant so that I could experience that joy (and almost an innocence of never having lost). He is Big, so Big. Today I began my 9th month (week 36). I saw my Dr. this morning and I am dialated 1 1/2 to 2 cm - right where I should be. He said my cervix is nice and soft and based on that believes I will deliver sooner rather than later. Eli is in position for a natural delivery (has been since week 32). Thank you Lord for green lights, but more importantly thank you for all the red lights that brought me here. For it was in the being stopped that I learned to take you in, drink up all that you are, and continue on this amazing journey. Thank you, thank you.

Is this your First?

My least favorite question, the one I always dread, during this pregnancy is this... "Is this your first?" I always have to say yes even though in my heart, Eli is not my first baby. But, I'm not going to make people that I don't know that well and strangers feel bad for asking me if this is my first baby. So, I simply say ... yes. It bothered me so much more in the beginning. I felt like I was betraying baby Faith. Like I was denying that she existed. It took me a long time to be ok about saying my (quiet) yes. God knows, my heart knows, and the people who really matter know. So, that has to be enough. I am 35 weeks pregnant (as of yesterday). 35 weeks!!! It's such a blessing...a total dream come true. Eli and I are safe. That's what 35 weeks feels like. It's the home stretch and we're going all the way. I LOVE, love, LOVE this part of pregnancy. My belly is big, it's obvious there is a baby in there (and not 30 quarter pounders from McDonalds...though they are in there - too) and I feel him moving a lot. He's big, I can tell by his movements... they've definitely changed over these past few weeks. My last ultrasound (week 32) showed that he is in position for a natural birth! I am trying not to freak myself out about labor and delivery. I did deliver Faith so Rob and I do have experience in this (he's a great coach and I'm a warrior when I need to be-ha!)...but, this baby is going to be much bigger! Again, trying not to dwell on that. I know my wanting to see him, so badly, will get me through the fear and pain. I'm going to be a mama in 5 wks (maybe less). I am beyond excited for the opportunity. I didn't know how this would all play out and I am so glad that I blogged about the journey from loss, to lack, to now this ... God is Mighty. I feel Eli moving as I type this. He agrees that God is mighty :) No baby Eli is not my first, but I'll be a better mama to him for it.