Favorite Things

This post is inspired by the Sound of Music movie which was on last night. I didn't get to watch it because Rob worked all day long and I wanted him to get to relax to something he'd actually enjoy. But, I own the movie so it's all good. Well, minus the fact that it's on VHS and not DVD so I probably will never watch it again.

A few of my faves:
-the sound of church bells ringing (i love going to see my eye dr., i always hear church bells from a nearby church that rings every hour)
-the smell of burning wood
-lipgloss (i always need something on my lips, rob dislikes this very much)
-diet coke
-cheeseburgers (cheddar or always bleu cheese if they've got it)
-bleu cheese (oh how i love thee)
-the view from our dining room (i'm staring out it as i type)
-rows and rows of books
-putting an item in the perfect spot
-the color red (red car, red coat, red kitchen...oh so crazy for red)
-going to the library (the one place where i feel the most like myself)
-Van Gogh
-Emily Dickinson (basically all the people who got famous after they died, I seem to be drawn to them)
-word art
-cardinals (remind me of grandpa h)
-hummingbirds (remind me of grandma h)
-doggies (as mentioned previously if we don't have a baby, I am going to have lots and lots of dogs)
-re-arranging
-shopping at marshalls (the only store for me)
-starbucks peppermint mocha
-my hair being played with
-when my nails are painted
-jeans that fit just right (oh so hard to find)
-deep conversations
-handwritten notes
-playing with kids and playing with their toys :)

"I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad!"

This is THE Year!

Another year will soon come to a close...just like that. Older people say, "Oh you just wait, it gets faster the older you get!" And, I think...how could it get any faster? The main thing that I've been working on is sloooowing my roll. I like to move fast! I walk fast, I eat fast, I take fast showers, you name it...my regular speed is set to fast. I'm really not sure what the hurry has been all about?
I have learned a lot this year about myself. And, for the first time instead of beating myself up about what I am not - I am learning to put my efforts towards what I am. I am "giving myself some grace" as my dear mentor reminds me.

I love Van Gogh and for those that have been in my home, know that, because he is present in most of the rooms. One of his quotes that has really "yelled" at me this year more than any other is, "IF YOU HEAR A VOICE WITHIN YOU SAY 'YOU CANNOT PAINT,' THEN BY ALL MEANS PAINT, AND THAT VOICE WILL BE SILENCED." Isn't that awesome?! All of the people who walked this Earth and did amazing things heard that voice. Just because they cultivated their talents doesn't mean they did it without the fear of failure...in fact, they all just plowed through the fear. And, I bet it was hard!

I had a wonderful Christmas with my family. Rob and I are blessed. I am always aware of that, but Christmas has a way of highlighting that for us. It's been snowing a lot, so he has had to work each day - but, he's a good sport and the extra money is always a help to us. I especially feel blessed this year to wake up in this home. It is a true winter wonderland outside our lovely windows. I don't feel like an imposter living in Grandma and Grandpa's home. I just feel at home. And, I feel loved by this house. It's so cool to get to create our memories here. My soul has opened up more living here. I've been feeling more creative...in the kitchen, in my journaling, in my decorating. I can breathe better here. This morning, I got up with Rob at 2am and made his lunch and coffee so he could go plow all day. After he left, Roxy and I walked around in the snow. I would have never done things like that before. I took pictures and just was really present in the beauty of it all. I did, of course, go back to bed afterwards :)

There is a quote that pin points exactly what I am feeling as this year (chapter) comes to a close. "WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS CALLING YOU? WHEN ALL THE NOISE IS SILENCED, THE MEETINGS ADJOURNED, THE LISTS LAID ASIDE...WHAT STILL PULLS ON YOUR SOUL?"

This is such an easy answer for me, it's always been this one thing...writing. Not because I think I am this incredible writer, but because the writing has always been what I do. If everything else was stripped away, what would show is a girl who just has a strong need to write. I don't put most of it here, it's too complicated and bare. I am not that brave...yet. But, I have lots and lots of journals and notebooks all over this house that contain that love.

I've been cutting back on extra involvements in my life. I want to make room for creativity. Being on a schedule all the time really wrecks that creativity. I need space to feel it and do it.

I also read a lot (every single day) - sometimes 5 books at a time...a chapter out of this one, two chapters out of that one. You should see my nightstand and my side of the bed...books scattered all over! I read in this writing book the other day about how the author thought about writing this one book for 6 years! And, when he actually sat down to write it, it only took 60 days! It made me realize the importance of letting something stew inside of you. I like to think all of these things that are happening in my life and around me are simply stewing and one day...one day I will take it all and make a great meal. Somehow it always comes back to food for me! What I am trying to just say is that I want to write. I need to write. I am writing. And, someday I will write to completion. I don't know what will happen, I have learned to stay detached from outcomes. But, I know that I will do it. Because the whisperings of my soul are getting louder and louder. And, even I can only ignore things for so long.



Wishing you a creative New Year!

Pay It Forward

Yesterday in the Salon one of our clients was telling me a story about her morning prior to coming to see us. She was at the Starbucks drive-thru (which is a treat for her that she does not get on a regular basis) and the girl working the window told her that 25 cars ago someone started Pay It Forward and paid for the person behind them. It had been going on all morning! The girl asked if she wanted to keep it going and she, of course, said absolutely! I LOVED hearing this. Now that is what the Christmas season is about...not fighting over a t.v at Walmart at 5 in the morning!!! I can't help but wonder who ended the Pay It Forward trend yesterday. All it takes is one person to get something amazing going and all it takes is for one person to put a halt to it. But, the part I choose to focus on is the one person who began it. We have so much power to do good...to start something! It's like when you're at a sports event and someone decides it's time to do the wave...and then the next thing you know the ENTIRE stadium is doing it. We are capable of SO much especially when we come together. Which brings me to the topic of church ...

I have always had issues about going to church. Here is my church life in a nutshell...grew up in the church (Lakeview), attended Awanas (not by choice, by parental force...I was young). I remember the first bible verse I memorized was John 3:16. Sunday mornings were usually a fight in our house. Mom was the only one who ever really wanted to go. Stopped going, started again when we were just under our teenage years. Went to First Assembly of God. There was a lot of speaking in tongues...that freaked me out. Went to one Sunday school class there, did not like it. Stopped going. Started with family friends (without my family) at First Baptist when I was 17. Got baptized when I was 18. Stopped going when my Grandparents (mom's parents) came to visit "my" church and the preacher was talking negatively about Catholics (my Grandma is Catholic). I had a really bad view on the whole church concept after that. I was tired of church's thinking their way was the only way. How small minded. God is bigger than that. The other thing that bothered me when I was there was that a man (faithful member of that church) who owned a restaurant was open on Sundays...the church practically crucified him for working on the day of rest. I was done with church after that. I would attend here and there for family occasions, but other than that I had a real crap attitude about church. To me church was a bunch of hypocrites who thought they were better than others because they showed up to a building every Sunday morning. It honestly took me until now to see it all differently. In looking back, I know that it was wrong of me (judgemental even) to view all churches in a negative light because of a few human episodes that occurred. Though I hadn't attended church regularly since age 18, I have definitely experienced God without the church. He came to me in creative ways throughout the years and I recognized Him in those ways. He was always knocking at my door, but I wasn't always knocking at His. But, I have been knocking at His since Grandpa H. died in 2001. My Faith has grown stronger, deeper. But, just like working out and eating right...eventually you hit a plateau and you have to step it up. It's interesting (yet not surprising) that God called me back to the church right after I read Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life (I did 40 days straight). Rick Warren is all about going to church and how important it is to be around other God loving, God fearing people. Even when I was doing the study, I cringed every time he talked about church. But, then God took all my negativity and ignorance about the church and replaced it with an open mind and an open heart. I feel like since I started church and got involved in a small group I have entered into a different aspect of being with God. I LOVE sharing with other believers, I love encouraging them and praying for them and just plain loving them! I love telling them who I am and how God is working in my life. I love sharing the moments that God has spoken into my life (and He does). It's really very cool.
I believe that God can transform anything and anyone. But, he is looking for willingness. I haven't been willing for SO many years. And, now that I am He has room to work in me. If I could give anyone any piece of advice (at this point in my life) it is to make the space for God. Clear it out for Him and then slowly put back only the things that have been blessed by Him. And if you aren't sure how to do that, just ask Him. Right now, just ask. He is SO good. He is always there. He always has been, and he always will be.

Please-let them have crayons!

So, I guess I "belong" to a church. The difference between being a visitor and a member is committment. It's more than showing up each week, it's getting involved. I am slowly becoming involved. I do go each week (and love it), I do belong to a small group (and look forward to it), and this past Sunday I did my first church activity. The church was collecting shoeboxes filled with toys/candy/etc. for Samaritan's Purse - Operation Christmas Child. These boxes are brought to children all over the world who wouldn't normally receive a Christmas gift...the purpose is to share the love of Jesus! Saturday evening around 8pm I remembered that the boxes were due on Sunday! Oops! Emily and I went to Walgreens and bought some items to fill three boxes. I was so glad that we had her that night. She is a great kid and is very aware (and appreciative) that she has a lot and there are children who don't have much at all. But, a reminder is good (for all of us)! One of the items that we put in the boxes were coloring books. We also put candy, fleece blankets and small toys. I felt so happy walking into church Sunday morning with our boxes. I could have easily dimissed putting them together, but that would just be me ignoring an opportunity and I am trying not to do that anymore.

While I was sitting in church it dawned on me that I didn't put crayons in the boxes...and all I could think was "Oh no, what if they don't have crayons?" "What if I made it worse by giving them an incomplete gift?" "What if they cry because they have coloring books and no way to color?" I couldn't shake it, still can't (obviously if it made it to this blog).

Isn't life like that though??? We see what we didn't do, what we aren't, and we hold on to that ... very tightly, I might add.

I am trying to look at the fact that three children, somewhere in the world, will touch what we have touched, will smile because someone, somewhere thought of them...prayed over the gifts even. Maybe I should have prayed before I went shopping...then I might have remembered to purchase crayons!

This Boy

My parents were recently out of town for a week & being the good neighbors that we are, we took care of their animals. During this time I began walking Rocky, their ten (?) year old German Shepherd. We always had dogs growing up & they were always German Shepherds...Elk, Siva, Poo-Bear, Baron, Bandit - oh, the dogs that I have loved that have been laid to rest. Rocky was abused prior to coming to our family. I never became attached to him the way that I am known to do with dogs because he came later in my life...I was just not around. Plus, he just wasn't your typical dog. He was afraid and rather than giving him love & attention I basically just was annoyed by him. However, that has all changed in a big way. I have since been walking him 1 to 2 times each day. In fact, I look forward to walking him more than I look forward to anything else right now. Cruching through the leaves with him and Roxy has really helped slow me down. I feel more at peace inside. I am finding this to be extremely therapeutic. Rocky's hips are bad, but I can see that he is doing so much better with all the walking. I even run with him! We don't over do it, but we definitely incorporate the running each time we walk. I can feel that we are falling in love with each other. He needs love (his roommate in the kennel is Mick who is the only non-German Shepherd dog (he is an Australian Shepherd) my parents have had is not very nice to Rocky)...and I need to love him. He lets me hug him and pet him and he comes to me now which you have no idea how long that took! Every day I do important things...maintain my relationships, run the business, go to my chamber events...but, somehow walking this boy seems like the most important thing I'm doing. I know when I look back on this time in my life, this season of sadness and wanting...that I will always remember this boy...this boy that heals my heart everytime I let him out of his kennel.

You Never Let Go

This morning I went to my OBGYN to discuss next steps. He told me to come back in August (meaning last month) if I wasn't pregnant because that would be a year of "trying." I felt super overwhelmed after I left. Mainly because I don't want to have to do anything (other than the obvious) to become pregnant. They want to make sure I am actually ovulating so at some point next week I'll go and get that checked out among other things that I really don't feel like writing about. I told my mom, this morning, that I am pretty sure the fastest way to become pregnant is to get a puppy. I'm not giving up on having a baby, but it seems that is when stuff usually happens...when you are truly able to let it go. I don't know if we're going to need "help" getting pregnant and that is what I am working on figuring out. I will be 32 in November and while that is not old, it's also not young. Today, I spent a lot of time with my friend Erin who had her own pregnancy journey...years of "help" and now she has almost 6 year old twins! It was so good for me to be with her because she has been down a serious road and gave me a lot of things to think about. The one thing I remember about her journey(we have been friends for 17 years now so I was around for all of it) is that she always remained hopeful and expected God to bless her with children. It was hard, and exhausting and there were breakdowns...but, she always had hope in her heart. That is something to keep for sure!
Yesterday, we went to church as a family and I was crying within the first minute of sitting down. I was so touched by the music...one of the songs they sang was one that I listend to TONS after we lost the baby...yet another sign that I am on track. The message was amazing. It is in those moments that I realize how broken my heart still is. I also joined a small group which will meet on Wednesday nights at one of the pastor's houses. I feel nervous about that, but also excited. I really, really feel God in all of this. Part of me just wanted to skip the whole small group thing (so out of my comfort zone), but I feel him nudging me to do this and one thing I am learning is to be obedient to that still, small voice. I know He has something for me, I feel it in my entire being.

Here is the song...

What's Your Dream?

I'm reading this book (well, I am currently reading 5, but this is one of them) right now called the "Passion Test." It's all about creating your passionate life. This is something that I definitely desire. I desire to be passionate about the life that I am CO-creating. I am clearly not the sole creater and I am grateful for that. I do believe that we play a big part in how it goes...of course based on what we are dealt.
I am going to begin going to church and I am excited about that. I had this thought put in me the other night when I was laying in bed that I wasn't necessarily going for me. Of course I will get things from going to church, but I had this deeper feeling that maybe my story could actually help someone. Then, I pictured getting up in front of everyone and telling them all about Faith and what that loss has done for my walk with the Lord. I felt so insanely happy about that. I guess because for once in my life I felt like I had a purpose...a purpose that related to God. One of my goals is to help make God tangible to other strugglers. I feel like he is preparing me..for something. Of course I am being prepared for a life beyond this...but, I mean I feel like he is preparing me for something HERE. I want to be in such a rush to know what that is. But, like everything...I need time to marinate! I need time to be soaked in Him.
In the book they state that "what you put your attention on grows stronger in your life." This makes me think of the bible verse, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things". (Colossians 3:2) No matter what we think about most is what we create in our experience. I know this to be true. When my mind is focused on Him so many amazing things happen.
All I know is that overall when I look around at my life, I like what I see. But, I am feeling more ready to branch out...to live a higher level of existance. I don't mean by having more things, I just mean by enjoying it all more. I really desire to feel immersed in life and I guess the way to do that is to figure out what you enjoy about life.

Plan B

It never fails...
...every time I am down, lower than low, HE lifts me up! I have been on a serious ride lately. Up and down and inside out. I can go from A to Z in two seconds. I am doing amazing and I am doing awful. I have felt so strange inside of my body. Like I need to seriously jump in the (freezing) lake and shock my system! Something to simply feel ALIVE. Life is so beautiful. A precious gift. And, there are days (like yesterday, for example) where I seriously miss out on so much because my head is bogged down with JUNK. I don't ever want to have a "why me" or "poor me" attitude, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have that attitude yesterday. Another month of not becoming pregnant is what yesterday became. We are officially at one year (and one month) of it not happening. People say when I stop thinking about it that it will happen. And, that is good advice...but, once you lose a baby(and you're not 100% certain that you can because maybe something really is wrong with you that they are just missing) and you are fast approaching age 32 and you just really, really want to have your own kids so you can finally feel a part of "the club" when you leave your house...it kind of changes things. Trust me, I would love to not think about having a baby. I would love to not care and just be surprised with that blessing. But, it's just not going to be that way for me. It's too late for that.

So what do I do? Let go and let God. It's so hard to do (control freaks that we are).
The thing is I absolutely trust God and His timing. But, there are days where I fall apart about it all. And, you know what? I think that is ok. I am human. I am imperfect. But, at the end of the day...I trust Him. I cry and I beat the walls and I let it all out...and then I just trust. Like I said A to Z.

Today, I heard about a series starting in a few weeks at the church I had thought I wanted to start going to (but, remember I have those committment issues). And, lo and behold the series is based on the book Plan B by Pete Wilson...whose blog I have just happened to be reading since we lost the baby! I am going to do it and I am excited about it (and it sure feels good to feel excited). Totally going to get the book at some point this week and will probably read it in a day...because I am just really hungry for something (and I know it's not food because I just ate dinner-ha!).

Thank you Lord for your timeliness. You didn't promise easy, but you did promise to be with us. Thank you for that. Thank you, thank you!

Let's Play Ball

Yesterday was such a special day. My nephew, CJ, got to throw out the first pitch and shout, "Let's Play Ball" to start of our minor league baseball team's game. After the game the local Fire Dept. played against the Police Dept. Both were raising money, the Fire Dept. for Muscular Dystrophy (which is what CJ has) and the Police for the Special Olympics (Fire Dept. won). It was a day that was really heart touching. Whoever sang the National Anthem had me teary eyed. Girl could sing! The kind of voice that just stirs you up inside.
I was so proud of CJ. He had a good pitch and said, "Let's Play Ball" with such enthusiasm.

This is random

I'm not even going to attempt to look for meaning in the fact that I broke my new bird bath...yes, the one I just purchased in memory of Faith! It didn't end up going in the garden because I deemed it too fragile. Instead I had it near our front porch. I was watering my many plants the other day and pulled the hose towards me and watched (in slow motion) as my beautiful glass bird bath smashed onto brick pavers. The only thing funny about this is that it's pretty typical behavior for me. For as careful as I am ... I am so not careful!

Yesterday Rob and I spent time clearing out the basement. We burned old furniture, donated items to the Salvation Army, and threw stuff out. It's such a big job. I should really take pictures documenting this adventure. I love my grandparents deeply, but there was not a lot of throwing away for them living through the depression and all. My grandma actually sewed her stockings. My generation loves to throw stuff away! Why? Because we can run to walgreens and pick up a new pair of pantyhose for less than $2 (and I think we all know that I don't know how to sew). Anyway, this is me just trying to convey that there is A LOT of stuff in the basement here. Rob has already laid claim over the entire basement. The infamous "Man Cave." I wonder what is going to be going on down there. He doesn't drink and he sure doesn't watch sports or play video games! I will let him have his space though. Mainly because I feel bad about the garage. Our last house (which we still own and rent out) had a 3 car garage! The garage was bigger than the house...obviously a man's doing!!! Now we have a small garage and a larger house. Rob is still not over the loss of his garage. Me...I moved out and never looked back. Sometimes I forget that we still own that house until James shows up with his rent check!

I've been reading some good books lately...books about thinking too much and about how we are what we speak. I have two re-occuring wishes....one of them is to get snowed in for a week. Where everything is shut down and everyone just knows that everything is shut down so no one is expecting to hear from you. The other is to have an entire day where I just feel present. Where I am not thinking Um,about anything except what I am doing and who I am with. A day where I really feel life moving though me.

Loved by God

God is most near in our suffering. Yes, he is always near...but, I always feel him the most in my pain. Sunday was actually a perfect day. It's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we lost our baby girl. 2 years!!! Sunday morning I sat out on the swing that is in our front yard. The swing that is hanging from the strong oak tree. The swing that has always been hanging from that tree my entire life (or as far as I can remember). I noticed a beautiful orange & black butterfly on a nearby tree and went to look at it. I then realized there were 3 of them, the exact same kind. I watched as the butterflies flew straight into a swarm of bees who were eating some kind of tree sap. The bees actually left and the butterflies took over. I would have expected it to be the opposite. I felt like God was showing me something about life. The butterflies to me have always symbolized hope...and hope is gentle and fragile. But, hope is also incredibly strong. Even in the midst of a swarm of stinging bees!

We took Emily and her friend Cierra out to breakfast (I LOVE going out to breakfast, it's my favorite) and then made our annual trip to Menards so that I could purchase something for Faith's garden. My way of honoring her each year. It helps me to honor her existence. It helps me to heal. Anyway, the moment I saw the glass bird bath I knew that was it. There is a picture of it in my last post. The orange and black butterflies from that morning, the yellow butterfly who loves my hisop plant that I have many pictures of and then my blue dragonfly that I saw a few weeks ago when I was prayed over by Rob's mom, aunt and cousin (I could write an entire post about that experience).

The day continued to go well...I have never seen so many baby butterflies and a baby dragonfly. It was so strange (yet not) how everything was miniature...baby size. We did a lot of yard work that day and Emily at one point was like, "Kris, there are 5 butterflies following you." I felt so peaceful and so loved by God all day long.

Later on that night I had a really cool moment. The first thing you should know is that my Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. When she was dying at my aunt Margie's home, there was a hummingbird that was outside of her window constantly. The second thing you should know is that I NEVER see hummingbirds-ever. Around 5:00 that evening I just wanted a moment to myself so I went outside on the porch. I didn't end up putting the bird bath in the garden because it's too fragile so I put it near our front porch so we could enjoy its beauty each day. The next thing I know there is a hummingbird at my bird bath, a few short feet from me! I knew within my entire being that bird, at that exact moment, at my bird bath for Faith, was a gift from heaven.

True Faith is not needing the signs, but God knows when his children are down and he will "throw us a bone" (for lack of better wording) every now and then. I really felt that everything is alright. No matter how my baby journey goes, everything is as it should be.

I don't want a baby to make me whole. Wholeness, I continue to learn, can only come through knowing God. I want a baby because I have a lot of love to give and I think that Rob and I could really do great with raising a child together. And, I really, really hope that we are given that opportunity. But, I'll never make the mistake of thinking that anything (not even another person) can fill those empty places inside of me. God is the great void filler. God is everything.

Today, I am so grateful for the people in my life, the nature that surrounds me and most of all the hope that there is more than we see here.

A Poem for Faith

Sunday, August 22nd marked the 2 year anniversary of Faith going to heaven. I was inspired to write a poem, through many tears, this year as well.

Another year has passed
and I've shed less tears than the year before,
but somehow I'm stuck here waiting patiently
at this unopened door.
I've often wondered which hurts worse
the losing you
or the dream that has yet to come true.

I know that you reside in a better place
I know that someday I'll be blessed
to see your sweet face.

But, I'm here now
with Earth being my current home
and I long to hold a baby
that I can call my own.

I know you understand
that I have love to give
I know you understand
that in my heart
you'll always be my first kid.

Becoming Un-Blocked

Today I am going to get acupuncture done. I've been struggling BIG, lately...feeling anxious, afraid, fearful, hopeless. I can function well on the outside, I've always been good at that - but, inside it is clear that I am "unwell." I have had opportunities to master picking myself up, I will always pick myself up. I refuse to give in to these feelings (I am sure the Devil has been enjoying the spot I've been in).
One morning I was driving to work and I prayed to God to help me with these awful feelings that have been so incredibly strong. I really felt that they were taking a hold of me, strangling me. I told Him that I don't want to take anything for what has felt a lot like depression. I told Him that I want Him to come in and eject that crap right out of me. I want Him to be the one to transform my insides. Nothing else. Him alone. When you go to God whole-heartedly, He always responds because you are giving Him a really good environment to work in. That day that I prayed, he used someone that I hardly knew to pray over me. This person felt prompted to pray over me for peace (the opposite of being depressed). He used a person that I wasn't even sure about because He really wanted me to know it was Him working through her.
In addition to praying for help, I later prayed specifically for a path. I feel like there is something keeping me from becoming pregnant. I feel blocked. I can't explain it other than I am very in tune with my feelings and I just feel off balance inside my body. The day I prayed for a path, I talked in depth to Aunt Margie about her chiropractor who also does acupuncture (I've been researching this). Next thing you know I am on the phone with this Dr. (who by the way knew and loved my Grandma) and she is telling me how she has helped people who had trouble conceiving and also people who have had issues keeping their babies. SOLD!!! Stick needles in me lady, I'm not scared : ) I really think that the longer it takes to become pregnant, the harder my life gets. I do feel at peace with the loss (as much as I possibly can), but what I find to not be peaceful is the fact that everywhere I turn everyone has their own families. Mostly all of my cousins and friends have children of their own. I love my family, but I find myself dreading family get togethers. I really don't want to feel that way. We took Emily to the Dells for her 10th birthday recently and we really had a nice time, but I came home feeling worse! I didn't realize how affected I would be by the family waterpark we stayed at. I am sure I wasn't the only one there without kids of their own, but it sure seemed like it. This probably all sounds like self-pity, but it's not...I let myself feel down, and then I work through it. That is life. I won't ever just suck it up. I will feel, I will hurt, I will cry until I can't cry anymore. But, I will never ever give up. I will never give in to the sadness. I truly desire to be a vessel of God's love and how can I do that if I'm all sad and poor me?! So today I am fighting back. Today I am getting poked with needles so I can become unblocked and get on a different sort of path...one that hopefully involves having a baby of my own. I love all of these kids around me. They make me so happy. But, I really just want to be someone's mommy. I really just want that. Roxy is tired of me suffocating her. She is an animal. Poor girl :)

The Grass Is Greener...

...wherever you water it (and pull the weeds).

People often make the mistake of thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side." I know that I have been guilty of having that mentality in the past. I read a quote once that said the "grass is greener wherever you water it." That has really stuck with me...I added in the pulling the weeds part. Our life is definitely a garden. It requires (daily) maintenance, it requires patience, it requires pulling the weeds and nurturing the flowers. It is work. It is beautiful.

The pics are a glimpse of my actual garden which basically reflects where I am at. Looks like I need to do some serious weeding : )


On Monday, I am starting a 4 week boot camp program in our Fitness Studio that my sis-in-law, Monica, has put together. I am nervous and excited, but more than anything I am ready to reclaim feeling powerful.

My Kid

I've told Rob many times that if having kids together isn't in the cards for us (obviously praying for it to be in the cards) that I would really love 5 more of these. I LOVE my doggy.

Never Alone

The good news is that I ordered a laptop yesterday and will have it sometime next week! The bad news is it's hard to find internet service in the "back woods." But, sounds like it's between basic DSL through AT&T and Cricket. Going to do some further investigating. Once I have that in place I feel like I'll be better connected. I can blog and keep in touch with my people!

Been spending a lot of time with family the past few weeks... and holy babies! There are a lot of new babies in my life right now and I can't believe how unraveled I feel. The truth is I just haven't been spending the time with the one who makes everything better...and that always shows by how I feel inside. I have felt so anxious and worried, lots of fear circulating around in there! I found a one year bible at my parents and took it home and on the 4th of July started reading it. I learned that you don't even have to understand it for the magic to begin. Where I started is complicated and has all those names of who belongs to who. But, each night before bed I make myself read. Little things have began occurring and I won't write them all, but one that made me cry yesterday was this...we had a new client come in the salon and she filled out the new client form. There is a spot at the bottom to write who referred them...and the lady wrote that she knew my Grandma. She did not know that I was related (of course I told her once I saw what she wrote)...but seeing my Grandma's name on that line literally made me cry. I told the lady it was just so nice to see my Grandma's name. After she walked away I felt this presence ... it was quiet, and I just felt Her. I knew without a doubt that little moment was a gift from God. A little nudge to let me know that I am not alone with my feelings of sadness. I am never alone.

Recipe For a Happy Home

"Begin with love and lots of caring. Add some trust, enough for sharing. You'll need forgiveness to make it right and plenty of laughter to keep it light.

Stir in some patience to bind it together. With understanding it holds even better. Add hugs and I love yous wherever you will, then pour on some praise but don't overfill.

Stir very lightly, leave room to grow. Don't bother with lumps, they won't even show. Spread on the topping of genuine pleasure. Your happy home will be a treasure forever."

Thank you Kathleen for the beautiful plate, it's located on the wall next to Grandma's hutch. It contains a recipe that I will always keep close to my heart.
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I've always wondered when I would finally "feel like a woman." Like when will I actually not feel like such a kid anymore?! I am 31 after all... I thought maybe once I had kids the shift would happen, but actually I figured it out this week. Feeling like a woman is when you cook dinner for your family (most nights) and keep the house in good operating condition. I feel organized, I feel "together," I feel that yes I CAN actually cook after all. Damn...I feel like a woman! Ha!

Pet Cemetery

One part of living on "the farm" (just wondering...does there need to be cows and pigs to call it a farm?)that I will never get used to is that the animals will die. There are SO many cats. My mom affectionately calls all of them "Momma Kitty." One day, a cat rounded the corner and my mom yells out "Grandma Kitty!" I thought we were all going to pass out from laughter. I had never heard her call any of them anything other than "Momma Kittys". But, apparantly Grandma Kitty is the one who started it all. Myself and the kids like to name the cats...there is Lion Kitty, Precious, Randy, Chloe, etc. But, the problem is that once you name a cat anything other than "Momma Kitty" you become attached.

One of the cats on the property, Frankie, has been sick for a few weeks. Not eating, not moving much. Last night Frankie died in our backyard at Grandma's house (I might always refer to the house as Grandma's house). I was so upset all night about it. 36 acres of land and he chooses our backyard. I kept waking up throughout the night thinking about him laying out there. Today, my Dad buried him. We have a true pet cemetery on the property. There are horses, cats, dogs, birds. Any "pet" that has ever died on the land has been given a proper buriel.

When an animal dies I immediatly feel like a little kid again. It's always like experiencing death for the first time for me. It's hard to shake.

Rest in peace, Frankie.

We're In!

Hard to believe that as of tomorrow night we'll already be living in Grandma's house for 1 week. It's been a busy, yet really enjoyable week. I feel like "my cup overfloweth!"

We wrapped up all the moving and cleaning efforts at our other house on Wednesday. It was nice to be done with that part. Now we can focus on where we're at. Our renters moved in yesterday and we are now officially landlords!

I have somehow fell in love with the kitchen during this whole process. I suddenly (and magically, I swear) care about collecting recipes...and actually doing something with them. Ha! You'd have to really know me to understand how HUGE this is. I feel so expanded living at this house. More capable of maintaining a home or something. I guess it all has to do with desire...desire that I didn't really have all that much before. The dishwasher at Grandma's is broken and we're going to get a new one eventually. In the meantime I have been washing some serious dishes. And, I don't even mind that. I guess it doesn't hurt that I have an amazing view to look out as I am washing. Washing and thinking. There is something to be said about getting back to the basics. I have noticed that time extends when you are doing things the long way.

We do have t.v now! And, the beauty is that it's basic t.v so no t.v bill. I don't even think we'll need more than that. We have so much we can do at our new place that having 800 channels doesn't even seem appealing anymore. Plus, we're used to no t.v...so having 30 channels is like a dream : )! I've always thought all the good shows were on "regular t.v" anyway...so we won't be missing much.

I'm looking forward to getting everything organized. There is much to do, but I am loving it and now that we're just there I can take my time with it and get everything "just so."

Looking forward to the beautiful weather (upper 80's) that we will be having all weekend.

It feels so good to be excited about life again. I find Grandma and Grandpa's home to be very healing. Grandma spent time with Jesus every single morning in that house and I can feel that. There is definitely spirit there. I know that I can't just expect to have all the benefits of her prayers there though. I need to make my own way. I'm looking forward to spending quiet time with Him before each day begins just as she did. I saw how that really enabled her to maintain peace throughout her life regardless of what was happening around her. I have so much to thank Him for. So much.

2 More Days (not that I'm counting)

Only 2 more nights at our current house and it's off to Grandma's we go! I have been feeling really excited about life lately. Not just because something new is happening, but because when I look around at all that is in my life...I just really like what I see. There is so much left to do, but I don't even feel an ounce of stress about it. They are redoing the main road in our town and people are so bothered by the work that is happening (and I've had a few mornings where I was ready to just drive over the cones rather than going around them...I am no saint), but the point of me telling this is that getting to the good stuff in life is like the repaving of that road...the work, the struggle, the frustration has to happen in order to get to the end result. The road is not going to become magically new and beautiful overnight while we're all sleeping soundly in our beds. I am choosing to focus on the end result...the hope for the future...rather than the stuff that makes me uncomfortable. I feel that I am learning so much these days. I feel like a sponge for goodness. I am soaked in it. My main goal in my lifetime is to learn how to remain peaceful, to stay centered and focused on God, in the midst of the stuff I'd rather skip over. Thank God I don't have a fast forward button.

Time as Healer

Happy Anniversary to my blog!!! I'll always remember that I started this blog on Mother's Day of 2009 because that was a really hard day for me. It helped me to sponsor a child as a way to honor Faith's existence on that day last year. There were many things I did to "heal" myself after our loss, but the main two are that I deepened my relationship with the Lord and the other is just plain old time. Yes, time does heal.

Time passing does not equal forgetting. Time passing doesn't mean you aren't changed on the inside. Time passing doesn't mean you are "over it" ... whatever your "it" is.
But, time passing is healing if you are focused on the healing and not the disappointment at the cards that have been dealt. I think the fact that I always let myself feel my feelings has finally paid off...I am happy to report that I was not even a little sad yesterday. It was like night and day compared to how I felt at this exact time last year.

Right now I am feeling excited and hopeful about our life. I am finally not thinking about the baby subject and really haven't been the past few months (and you know what they say...when you aren't thinking about it then BAM!)...I am wrapped up in this great house project (which is totally energizing me). I am focused on creating an oasis for us. I never felt like the house we live in now was home. Mainly because there is no room to grow as a family in that house. There was always something symbolic to me about that fact. But now, now there is room for so much...future children, family parties, sleepovers with CJ & Alyssa, Emily can even have her friends over on the weekends!

I really do feel complete even though there is "lack" in my life. Focusing on what you do have is really powerful. I am blessed with a loving husband, family, and friends. I'm on the verge of having this home that reflects all that I love. I am thankful for all that is and all that will be.

Snoopy

Yesterday after I left work I rescued a dog named snoopy. I was sitting in our kitchen finishing an activity for a business class that I am taking (and loving by the way) when Roxy started going 'insano' ... I looked outside and there was a beagle in our yard. It was obviously someones pet (the bandanna around his neck gave that away). I had never seen the dog before, so I ran outside and called him which caused him to run far away from me. I went into the house and grabbed Roxy's leash and proceeded to follow the dog into a field. He finally gave in, he knew I was on a mission. All I kept thinking was if that were my dog wandering around I would want someone to pursue her and get her home to me! I called the number on his tag and it was actually for the Rabies certification place...they got his id # from me and then told me where he lived. Snoopy lives 2 houses away from us! I thought I knew every dog on our block...clearly snoopy does not receive walks from his owners. Snoopy was not happy to go home, his owners didn't even know he was gone. It was all very strange. It's crazy what dogs do to my heart. I love them so much and am now thinking of ways to break into my neighbors house to steal their dog. Issues ... I know.

Tonight we are taking Rob's parents out to dinner for Mother's Day since they will be gone spending time with Rob's Grandparents tomorrow. Going to one of my favorite non-chain eating places. Excited to eat and spend quality time with my in-laws!

Honors

Over the weekend we moved 6 trailer loads to Grandma's. Our house literally echos. We just have our beds, clothes and some kitchen and bathroom stuff. Things we can't move until it's time to not return. I was also able to pack a trailer full to bring to Grandma's church rummage sale. It hardly made a dent in how much stuff is left in the house though. I just keep telling myself every little bit counts. I think the process of us getting things in order is what makes moving there fun as well. It's a journey in itself, one that I am truly enjoying!

When we move we are going to hook back up with t.v and internet. That was fine to save some money for awhile, but now it's just kind of annoying not to have access to either of those at home.

Last night I went to our local high school's honors banquet on behalf of our business and our local chamber (I am the secretary for our local chamber board and we sponsor the banquet). I was dreading going because I was attending by myself, but it turned out to be a really nice time. I realized how many of our clients have smart kids!!! : ) It is so wonderful to see these kids who are excelling in their school work as well as involved in so many extracurricular activities...athletics, clubs, community work. I felt so proud of them, I can only imagine how their parents felt at the moment their child's name was called. It made me regret not trying harder in school. I can totally see Emily being up there...she is an amazing kid...so good in school and likes to get involved with everything. Hopefully, someday I'll be on the parent side of the banquet watching one of ours. And, if not ... that's cool to. I didn't turn out so bad and I don't think I gave my parents much to be proud of when I was in school : )!

I Survived...

...Prom 2010!!!

Today was our local prom so our schedule was filled to the rim at the salon with lots of girls getting ready for their special night. I always get nervous about this day each year. So many things could go wrong...the girls show up late, they come in with sopping wet hair or even worse than those two things...they don't know what they want, they say "do whatever", and then they hate it!!!

I am thrilled to say that this was the perfect day. Filled with lovely, on time girls, with dry hair!

Thank you Jesus for this day. And now...it's the weekend. Lots of moving stuff to Grandma's house. I could not be more excited.

A Thankful Heart

I once read that gratitude is one of the ultimate prayers. I think about all of those times that I ask...I ask for myself, I ask on behalf of others...but, how often do I just thank him for all that already is?

I'm starting this day with a thankful heart...and every time I have a moment where I am not feeling peaceful inside about big things, little things, things things...I am going to just stop and say...thank you for (fill in the blank).

I took Roxy to the vet on Monday because she has been hacking for 3 weeks, which she has never done before. It scared me. When Rob and I got married we both brought a child with us...mine just happens to be furry and goes to the bathroom outside : ) The vet said it's an upper respiratory issue and gave me antibiotics to give her twice a day. Last night she just stopped hacking. She didn't at all through the night or this morning. I remember praying over my dog on Monday and asking that she be well. And, guess what - she is ok...and guess what else, I didn't thank God.

I have asked for many things to be ok this week (and it's ok to ask), but the hard part is giving it over to Him totally. Today, I am releasing everything to Him and I have asked plenty, so today I am just going to thank Him for all that is and all that will be.

Yesterday, I found this little book that Grandma Henke gave to me for one of my birthdays. And, inside she wrote "To My Little Krissy"...I love seeing her handwriting especially unexpectedly. The book is all about the soul and things that matter. I am going to write a little passage from it that is inspiring me today.

Find strength and courage in patience...
Even within shadows, there is a light flowing--softly glowing through the night,
gathering strength...waiting patiently for a new morning full of peacefulness and quiet joy.
Nothing succeeds more surely than patient repetition.
Ask any wind that builds a sand dune.
Ask any river that carves out a canyon.

Today, I am thankful for so many people and places and things. But, mostly I am grateful for the one that instills peace in our hearts...the one that gently whispers that everything is ok even when it feels like the sky is falling.

Stuff

While cleaning out Grandma's house, we've been making piles for her church's annual rummage sale. I know that Grandma would love for the money from her things to go to her church. It makes giving away some of her things much easier. Of course, lots of stuff is being kept with the house and everyone in the family has gotten what they want already. I learned yesterday that the rummage sale is next weekend, so I need to get on it and while I'm at it I am pretty sure I have loads of stuff at our house that I could afford to give away! That would sure make Rob happy. He thinks I have too much stuff (I am not denying this fact). I'll never forget his face when I moved in with him. I guess he didn't realize how much (literal) baggage was coming with me!

It doesn't take long to accumulate stuff. I am working on simplifying. I am attempting to go through my things on a regular basis - I am working on being less attached to the stuff.

I think about Niha, the little girl in India that we sponsor. I think about how she doesn't know about having all this stuff and it literally makes me sick at our consumerism...but, it's what we grew up in, it's what we know. Just like how she is probably happy with very little because she doesn't know any different. I really want to be happy with little. I don't want stuff to get in the way of that.

No Longer M.I.A

Hard to believe a month has gone by since I've blogged. A true indication that life really is flying by! Trying to enjoy all of its moments.

The most spectacular news is that we are moving into Grandma's house the last week of May! We will be renting out our house to a couple that we know well. Even if they just want to rent for a year, that will help get our house in a better selling range for today's market. I feel like it's a dream come true! I am afraid to get overly excited about this all happening. Unfortunately, the older I get the less excited I allow myself to become because I have learned that things don't always work out. I am remaining hopeful and expectant though. I feel that blessings are on the verge of entering into my realm. I know that I am always blessed, but I mean the big stuff...the stuff that keeps me up at night. The stuff I write in my journal about...that stuff is coming! I have to believe.

Still working on clearing out Grandma's house...it's hard when there just isn't full days to get stuff done....also part of being an adult. So, we are doing what we can when we can.

Friday is Rob's birthday. Tomorrow night we are going out to dinner with his parents as they will be out of town this weekend. Friday, Emily and I are going to make him his cake. I'm a little nervous about the cake situation, I started the 10 day diet again (on my own) and am on day 3. I have been able to keep the weight off from when I did it last time so I am truly inspired for another go around with it. There is never a good time to start...if it wasn't Rob's birthday, it would be something else. I have T minus 2 days to figure out the perfect gift for him. He is SO much better at the gift giving than I am. He pays such good attention.

I've been working at keeping my cup full. I am learning that when you take care of yourself you are better for everyone else around you. I feel better than I have in awhile...eating lots of fruits and veges, tanning(love those endorphins), taking time for baths (I forgot how much I love those), reading great books, and spending quality time with my people. And, always, always thanking God. It's a miracle that we're even walking this Earth. I don't like everything that goes on, I don't like all the cards that have been dealt to the people I care about...but, I try to give those thoughts and feelings over to God so that I can enjoy the gift of the time that I have been given.

Progress

Progress is certainly being made. The master bedroom, master bathroom, and hallway at Grandma's house are painted. Today, the kitchen is being finished and round 1 will officially be over. I'm excited about all of the color as mentioned previously. I definitely feel something when I walk into those newly painted rooms. I want others to feel something - too. My Dad, for example, will feel this: "what the heck is Kris thinking!" when he sees that the country wallpapered kitchen has turned into red and yellow insanity! Oh, I can't wait to see the kitchen after work today. It's pretty daring, even for me.

So, now it's time to focus on the house we actually live in. Our neighbors put their house for sale last Tuesday...and yesterday I came home to a SOLD sign. Yep, our neighbors sold their house in exactly 1 week. That really pumped me up! We are going to (finally) finish our laundry room and just clean up some stuff and then we're putting it out there. People wonder why we didn't get our house ready first, but we wanted to keep paying our mortgage down as long as we could so we'd be in a better position when selling time came. There is always a method to our madness.

I am excited that the sun is shining and that progress is being made. It feels good to feel good naturally ... rather than pulling from within like we do all winter long. Spring is a lovely season ... it's the hope that you've been hoping for coming alive right before your eyes!

Color My World

I am super excited because I have officially picked out paint colors for Grandma's house! We are starting with the master bedroom and bathroom, an upstairs hallway and the kitchen. Before I even thought about colors my Dad said he hoped I wouldn't be doing any of those 'wild colors.' And, honestly...I wasn't going to. But, when I started really looking at color - all I could think about was dramatic red, sunshine yellow and irish green. I love color! I love how it can take over and make you feel something when you walk in a room. The painting is going to begin this weekend. I love forward movement. It feels so good. And, I am really looking forward to mixing my colorful modern "stuff" with my grandparents antiques.

The other night when I pulled into our driveway I noticed that our neighbors have their house up for sale. I had no idea they were even thinking about moving. And, the best part is the company they are selling their house through does a lot of advertising and the actual realtors (it's a married couple that works together) are well known. I wanted to jump up and down because I feel like it's divine intervention...we are about to put our house up for sale by owner and we now have our neighbors selling their home...free advertising for us!

I am waiting patiently, yet expectantly, on the Lord. We will see how it all pans out! I am doing all the things I can do and trusting that he has got the rest worked out. He who sees all things from beginning to end.

Day 7 Out of 10

Today I worked a mini bridal show at a local resort. The resort had their menu tasting event for the bride/groom (and their families)and then asked their preferred vendors to set up a booth to promote their business. The vendors did get to sample the food, as well...but, I couldn't because Rob and I are going strong on day 7 out of 10 with the diet!!! It was hard to be the only person at an event, not eating! It was hard to be anywhere and not eating...I love eating. But, it feels so good to be in control of the food rather than the other way around.

It was a cool experience, I did book some weddings, and had a lot of time to people watch...more like relationship watch. I was trying hard not to think about the fact that half of them will find themselves divorced at some point. I said a silent prayer for all of the hopefuls. So young, so happy ... I prayed that they would hold on to each other, to not give up too easily.

In case you are wondering about the diet, I am down 4lbs. And, overall I just feel healthier. The crucial part of this is to plan ahead...you really need to know what you're eating all day prior to the day actually beginning. We are also journaling what we are eating. It sounds like work, but it really takes no time. Awareness and Preparedness are key. Like with anything in life, I suppose.

It's now time to finish mopping the salon! Gosh, I still miss having internet at home. I don't know if I'll ever truly be "over it." But, at least if the technology of the world ever crashes-I'll already be used to it while everyone else is panicing : )

Give Us This Day

Is it wrong that all I can hardly think about this week is pancakes smothered in butter and syrup?! Rob and I have begun day 4 out of 10. We have followed the plan perfectly and are expecting to look like part of the Baywatch cast this summer!

This morning I got Emily ready for school and scarfed down some eggs. I am not a fan of eating in the morning, I have to make myself. I'd prefer to just drink coffee until about 10 or 11 each day. Those days are gone. It is true that people who eat breakfast have better weight control...once I started forcing myself to eat breakfast (about 6 months ago) I've been successfully able to keep 10lbs. off.

I'm working hard on the next 10lbs, hence the fish eating, working out program.

It feels good to focus on something I actually have control over. I look around at my wonderful family and see these unfair cards that have been dealt. I know we weren't promised fair. I know life is a gift and it's a miracle that any of us are here. But, I just have to say that life can hurt really, really bad. Life can feel as if someone stuck a sword in it. I am praying, always, for my CJ and his legs and his life. I am praying for Cathy and the cancer that continues to show up very uninvited. I am praying to the God of miracles. Will you pray with me?

The Lord's prayer says, "Give us this day our daily bread." I have a wooden plate from my Grandma that has that verse...and, it's a reminder to take it one day at a time. It's hard not to look ahead. It's hard not to peek into what we think is our future. But, God wants us to stay present. That is the place where we feel most alive and well.

And, on a 'not so serious' note...I really wish I had some bread : )

Swordfish & Figs

Rob and I are doing this diet through my sissy, Monica. It's a 10 day 'er' and consists of mostly fruit/veges/fish/eggs...low carb. I've always done well with the low carb stuff as far as losing weight. I am super stoked about this because we are eating 6 meals per day, so I'm not hungry (and it's a good thing because I am very crabby when I am hungry). The best part is that I can still drink my coffee! I already feel healthier. We've been working out and eating good (80% of the time) for 8 weeks now and I've hit this place where I keep losing and gaining the same few pounds over and over. This is like a jump start and I can already tell I am going to hit my first goal. The best thing is it's building the confidence that I can achieve that goal.

Last night Rob and I ate swordfish and figs for the first time. They sound completely gross together - but, we didn't eat them together, so it was all good. I didn't even know what a fig was before yesterday! Rob doesn't love eating fish, but he's willing to try new things. And me...I am very glad I grew up in a fish lovin' family, it's coming in quite handy.

I will update on our progress...I know that will help me keep on track!

Here Comes The Sun...

...little darlin', here comes the sun - it's alright.
This is what I am singing in my head on yet another dreary winter day!
I do find the snow to be beautiful, but it loses it's magic when I let Roxy out to do her duty in it!

I got in some much needed time at Grandma's house. So much work to be done, but the line that always gets me through is this ... slow and steady wins the race! I have learned over the years to let things happen in their own time. Everything that I have rushed, pushed, ran through has all fell apart due to lack of thoughtfulness. I know that if I continue to do the things that I can do (tear down wallpaper, sort through items and make decisions about them, etc.) that divine intervention will intercede and meet me at the halfway mark. I'm not even going to spend energy worrying whether or not our house will sell. That is not mine to worry about...we do the work to get it to that point and the rest will be played out magically. This is how life works, I'm convinced. You can't leave it all up to God. You have to do what you can do and have the Faith that the rest will work out (in its perfect time). This applies to every aspect of my life today and always.

Precious Moments

Last night we had a family dinner at my parents, it's been awhile. Mexican night =yum! Definitely going to have to do extra cardio tonight when I work out.

When we arrived my brother, Nathan, was pulling CJ and Alyssa around with the 4wheeler...they were on a sled. Rob ran home and grabbed Emily's snow clothes, I am so glad we had them. I would have hated for her to miss out. Nate proceeded to pull the 3 kids all over the land and their puppy, Tucker, ran alongside them the entire time. What a little trooper! It's in those precious moments that I just stop and take it all in. Life is good. I would love to hit the pause button on those times because they are just so perfect.

Emily spends the night at our house on Wednesday nights now. This is super cool for me because Rob leaves for work sooooo early, so it's just her and I getting ready on Thursday mornings...and then the best part...I get to drive her to school! It's insane how much satisfaction I attain from getting her off to school safely (and lovingly). It's funny because Rob always calls to make sure I actually got up to get her going...as if :)!!!

A Blog A Day...

...keeps me sane! Oh how I miss my blogging. First of all, I do not recommend cutting your internet and cable as a means of saving money. With that being said, there are some good things that have come out of us not having "entertainment" in our home. Like the fact that Rob and I have kept up with exercising and creating healthy meals. And, we truly are having more quality moments in our household. The fact that I have no idea what is happening on American Idol is huge! We do rent movies and that has actually been great. Movies seem better lately...I think it's because we've deprived ourselves, not because the movies are actually that good. Ha!
(perfect example, we just rented Zombieland and I loved it)

I've done a lot of fun things since I've last blogged, but am going to post pictures about all that...once I actually remember to bring my camera and camera cord to work!

I did see the new Dr. I was SO nervous and excited. I've been seeing the same Dr. for ten years!!! And, this one is a man! But, the Dr. who ended up delivering Faith was a man, so since then I have gotten comfortable with the whole idea. He is super proactive which I dig! He told me that once I do become pregant he is going to be like an Old Mother Hen. If we're not pregnant within 6 months then he has a game plan for me. In the meantime, he recommended that Rob drinks red bull. I am not kidding! Apparantly, it gets those little guys moving (so inappropriate for this blog, I know...but, I just think it's hysterical). He also gave me some valuable advice from a guy's perspective. Let's just say that Rob really likes the new Dr. though he hasn't even met him :)

There is always so much happening in my life. But, somehow it always comes back to the fact that I am without child. I am okay. I am living. I am happy. But, there is that huge chunk of my heart that has a lot to give to my baby. The one that came. The one that went. The one that will someday be.

I'm Not 21 Anymore

This has been a full weekend. Saturday was our work Christmas party. I learned this weekend that I am clearly not 21 anymore! Ha! We had such a nice dinner and the staff was beyond generous...they gave Rob and I a weekend away to that lovely little spot in Port Washington. I feel extremely blessed to have such amazing people in my life on a daily basis. I am looking forward to planning that weekend away. I realized after we went the last time how we really need to be conscious of taking the time for each other...away from it all.
After dinner a bunch of us went out and stayed out until the place we were at made us leave. I think that I am still tired. I'm 31 ... not 21. And, there is a HUGE difference.

Sunday, Rob and I took Emily to her swimming lessons (she swims at the highschool that Rob and I graduated from which is really cool)...she is such a good swimmer. I enjoy watching her. Then, we went to see Avatar in 3D. I loved it!!! I have never seen a movie in 3D before, it was awesome, though it took some getting used to...not sure if that was related to my big night out the previous evening :)

This is going to be a busy week in my corner of the world. Lots to do with my chamber event coming up this weekend. Looking forward to it, but will mostly be glad when it is done. I'm just ready to put my time and energy elsewhere.

Next Monday, I have an appointment with a different Doctor who comes highly recommended by many people that I know. I have gone to the same "girl" Doctor forever, but I decided that a change of scenery might do me some good. Switching hospitals and everything. I don't want to be the girl that lost her baby anymore...I want to be the woman who is going to (someday) have a baby.

Butterfly

I am a deep thinker. Always pondering something (more like 'lots of somethings').
I think a lot about God and how to describe him to people that have not actually experienced Him. I would say that mostly everyone I know believes in God, but a lot of them have not come to know Him personally. I want to help make him tangible for others the way that he has become tangible to me.

Reading the bible to come to know God and what He is all about is huge. And, confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, and asking Jesus into your heart is the ultimate! I do believe that the more people come to understand God (through reading his word, going to church, conversations with others) they can have moments with Him. Moments of true knowing.

As much as I know that Grandma is in a better place, and that she lived a good long life - the fact that she is physically not here has been harder on me than I ever could have imagined. I felt more protected when she was here (she prayed for all of us every single day). I know that when people hear that your Grandparent died that they immediately think of age and how it was time and all of that. But, the fact is she played a huge role in my life. Still does. Always will. Last night, I stayed up late just missing her. I wasn't feeling that good about a lot of things in those moments of thinking of her. We all have those times where you just feel the lack in your life... even though you know how much you are blessed with.

This afternoon, I met my parents, my aunt, and her co-worker for lunch. It was one of those spontaneous times of gathering. When the waitress brought the bill, I happened to look at her - to really take her in. And, I noticed that she was wearing
a butterfly pin. I recently came into ownership of that exact same pin ... it was my Grandma's. I have never seen another one like it until today. I felt a peacefulness wash over me. I felt Grandma's presence in that itty bitty moment of time...and once again I really felt that God was near.

It's these tangible God moments that I want to share with those that are struggling to believe in and know God. God is real. God is ever present.

Keeping Hope

I have always loved the poet, Emily Dickinson. She was such a lonely (socially) girl, but what thoughts on life she had! For as social as I am, there has always been that part of me that feels lonely. I'm guessing all of us have that, it's part of being human. Even when you fill yourself up with God, there is just that lonely human aspect about life here on Earth.

As much as things are going well, I still feel disjointed. Rob and I talked last night about having children and our true feelings on the subject. We haven't opened up to each other about what happened in quite awhile though we both think about it more often than not.

What it came down to, is that of course we still want to have children - and the longer it takes for it to happen the more we're finding that we're becoming unsure (afraid, really) about it. We both wanted the child we were going to have. It's hard to move completely past that. But, one thing that holds true is that we have to maintain our hope. If we are without hope then we have nothing.

I recently bought a beautiful, decorative, hanging plaque that has the beginning of one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems written on it.

HOPE is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul.

This morning, I am praying for that hope to stay put. To not fly away, but to grab hold of Rob and I tightly and never let us go.

Tea Time

The not having cable and internet is going along interestingly. Rob and I have worked out 3x's this week. We came to workout tonight and both of us ended up in different rooms on the internet. Ha! I think we'll actually keep up on our workouts so that we can watch t.v. Hey, whatever motivates - right?! On a serious note what I miss most is this blog. I didn't realize how much I need to write until I couldn't. This post is a treat after working out on the treadmill for over 30 minutes.

It's been a nice weekend. Today, Rob's mom, Nancy, myself & Emily went to Infinitea. It's a restaurant that specializes in tea. We did the royal treatment which consists of choosing from about 50 different teas to drink throughout your meal. It was good quality visit. Working on putting memories into our memory box! After Grandma passed I learned how important it was to have real quality time with your loved ones. It's nice to have those to hold on to. I always forget my camera though. I need to work on that. The posts with pictures are always more fun!

Going to be busy the next few weeks. This coming weekend we're having our work Christmas party...we always do it well after the holidays since that is such a hectic time for everyone. We'll got out for a nice dinner and drinks and a bunch of us will go out afterwards and stay out much too late. I am looking forward to the night out. Also, I am the chairperson for our Chamber's Annual Installation (of officers)Dinner which is taking place on January 30th. The theme is baseball and we're pretty excited about that since our town is going to soon be getting a minor league baseball team!!! We have a lot to wrap up between now and then.

All in all, things are going along well. I am proud of Rob and I for starting the New Year out the way we wanted to. One day at a time ...

Step By Step

Rob and I have officially added a fitness routine to our healthy eating plan. Last night we worked out in our fit studio when I got off of work. All I had to do was change clothes and walk downstairs. It's ridiculous that I don't take advantage of this. I could list excuses, but what it comes down to is making a commitment to that healthy lifestyle that Rob and I dreamed about when our love began.

My sister in law, Monica, who manages our fitness area was working and Rob got some personal training attention. It was so great. There were quite a few people working out at the time...they all happened to be female and we were all getting a kick out of Monica telling Rob to lay on the floor and do pushups! He is such a good sport. And, he did admit later that he enjoyed being pushed.

So, it's safe to say that we are actually moving full steam ahead. I've always known that Rob and I are the type of people that need to be in constant motion. We always need to be working towards something in order to feel good about ourselves and our life. I think that is why the past year and a half has been so rough for us...we were on a path and then we got seriously derailed.

I read a quote recently that said,
"It takes guts to leave the ruts." I think that he and I needed time to heal and the not making things happen was okay for that season of our life. But, I am happy to report that we have officially hit a new season. We are shedding the rut and the beauty is that we are doing it together. The way I always imagined our marriage to be.

Sacrifice

I first have to start by saying how very American it is of me that our sacrifice that I am so nervous about this morning is nothing compared to sacrifices that people in other countries have to make every single day of their lives just to survive.

Rob and I have canceled our internet and cable. The comcast guy is coming between 8-11am, today. Which means this post may very well get interrupted by a complete shutdown. I'm typing fast...

We have talked about doing this a number of times, but just haven't felt "ready." Then, Rob started putting more money into a retirement fund this year, we are having a certain percentage of his check go automatically into our savings (saving off the top is the only way for us), Emily got braces, she is playing an expensive band instrument (the clarinet) and then there is our needing to sell our house (praying to come out ahead) and officially buy Grandma's. We had to cut back somewhere...it's the smart thing to do. It's not just about the money for us though. We have a lot of things that need accomplishing early this year. We need to have a productive winter to make it all work out.

It's not that we live on the internet or watch too much t.v., but I feel nervous because the second I need to look something up ... I can't. And, the fact that the only t.v show that we love starts its new season tomorrow! I just laughed when I heard that.

I know we may need time to go through detox (I can feel my hands shaking as a I type)....detoxification of what are culture has gotten completely used to (and dependent upon)...the ability to have instant everything! Instant information, instant numbness in watching a show that makes you forget about your life for a whole half hour.

I can just hear my ancestors shaking their heads.

Plan B

Friday night Rob and I went on a double date with his parents. We had pizza at their house from a really great pizza place and then went to the movies to see Blindside. I looooove going to the movies, especially when it's a movie that I'm excited to see. It was inspiring! It's been really making me think about if I am someone that is capable of adoption. Not because I think that we won't have children of our own, but I'm the type of person that likes to think about "what I would do if..." whatever that IF might be. All I know is that I have a lot of love to give and the idea of not having children of my own has always been something I couldn't even think about without feeling sick. Again, this is not me not trusting God to provide ... but, sometimes His providing doesn't look like the picture I asked for. And, it's becoming more clear that there are a lot of kids out there who need someone to love them.

In this season of waiting I'm learning some important things about life. One is that life is unfair and imperfect. Another is that life is beautiful and perfect according to God's will. I really don't know what He has in store for us. But, I want to stay open to whatever IT might be.

Keep Saving Me!

Last night I could not get myself tired enough to sleep. I read for what seemed like forever (finished yet another great book). Once I was done, I just stared at the wall, trying to make sleep come. I realized that I just missed God's presence. He is always present, but I am not. Things are going along fine. Work is good, Rob and I are keeping up with our healthy eating, the house has actually been clean all week, I've been reading some great stuff and feeling inspired. But, I miss Him. I haven't made the time. I think about Him. I talk about Him. But, I haven't had a good sit down with the Lord in awhile. I just felt like I wanted Him near...the way you sometimes just need your Mom or Dad close by.

Sleep did eventually come and early this morning Roxy girl (who hardly ever barks) woke me up barking intensely at the plow truck that was plowing our street. Normally, I would just call her in by me and go back to sleep. But, this morning was different. I felt ready to crawl out of our cozy bed, get that warm cup of coffee, and sit ever so still in the quiet that only early mornings posses. You see, God knew I needed to feel his presence and He also knew that the only way to get to me was before my day really began.

I was led to this. There is something about worship music that pulls you in. I felt the Lord this morning and I wanted to share this. I think we can all relate to the words.
Savior Please

Hold Fast

I'm currently taking down the Christmas tree and all of the Christmas items that I have everywhere in the house! Today has been a good day to put it all away. I've been rearranging (which if you know me, I LOVE rearranging), and deep cleaning. While sorting through piles I came across a quote that I cut out of a magazine at some point. Just a little affirmation that Rob and I are on the right track. I live for these miniature moments that pop up.

"Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die,
life is a broken-winged bird
that cannot fly."
~Langston Hughes

Dream Maker

I have affectionately titled today, "Me, Myself, & I Monday!" I carved out a day for myself and it's wonderful.

I started my morning off with getting my favorite coffee from my favorite local spot and then headed to the library to drop off books and check out some more! I love the library. The moment I walk in I feel at home. It's one of the few places in this hectic world that demands quiet. And, don't even get me started on how much I enjoy walking up and down the rows of books. I always feel more positive about life when I am amongst all those books. They have so much to offer, but like life itself - you have to be the one to dig in!

And, speaking of digging in...
Rob and I had so many dreams for our life when we first began our relationship. We were both feeling amazing when we got together...we each liked the weight we were at, we were living very actively and healthfully, we were focusing on the things that gave us joy. We both had come out of a place where we had to rebuild ourselves after years spent in the wrong place. And, we discovered each other when we were in our most powerful state. We talked about how we wanted to live authentically and how we wanted our life to be a great adventure. And, then we slowly fell into the routine of our life and the dreams began fading into the dark when we stopped paying attention. It's funny because we talked so much about how we didn't want this to happen and then it did. We had an amazing talk on New Year's Day about all of this. We sat down and made goals for our life. We are re-committing ourselves to those dreams that have been lingering in the background of our life...waiting patiently for us to come and retrieve them. My Grandma once told me that "you have to fight for the life you want." I totally understand what she meant now. Both Rob and I feel an excitement about this year and it's because our heads are in the game. We don't ever want our life to become stagnant and you know what? It's SO easy for life to become stagnant. But, if you look around...like all those books in the library, life has so much to offer. There are so many good things waiting to happen for your life, but you have to be the one to get out there and claim them as yours.

Footprints on my Heart

The first day of a brand new year, how exciting!

New Year's Day will always tug quietly at my heart. I celebrate two birthday's for Faith...today was supposed to be her earthly birthday. She would be one. But, instead she was born at 21 weeks on August 22nd, 2008, which I consider to be her heavenly birthday. Somehow she got a pass from all of this earthly business and I spent the past year trying not to question and instead turning to God. And, you know what? HE provides. HE is a great BIG God. He knows I am both a torn up mess inside, but in the midst of that mess is a beautiful strength that I would never have known without having lost her. So, I guess you could say that I am a beautiful mess. And, I am so okay with that.

If you look closely you will see
tiny footprints on my heart
from a little girl that saved me.

(the footprints in the picture are Faith's - my angel at the hospital, Liz, stamped her feet for us and told us that she had perfect feet - I agree)!

You might find this interesting (I sure do). I found a journal entry that I had written right before I became pregnant with Faith. I wrote intensely about how I wanted to have real Faith in my life. Unwavering, full throttle Faith. Struggles, yes...but, with those struggles the ability to contain joy and peace in my heart because of that deep Faith in the Lord. Since I wrote that...a baby came, and a baby went...a Grandma lived and a Grandma died. And, both of there comings and goings have given me something valuable...not a fragile valuable, but a strong valuable. You might think, "wow, I better be careful what I pray for!" But, don't ever think that way...because God always sends something better. I am waiting expectantly and hopefully on my better, but in the meantime I am enjoying the quiet comfort I find in the Lord.