This Little Girl

Jesus said, "let the little children come to me." (Luke 18:16)

This morning, this little girl was baptized. This is my 'going on 6' year old niece, Alyssa, who accepted Christ into her heart in front of her entire congregation.
Alyssa's family, my parents, and Alyssa's other grandparents all attend the same church. I am really proud of my brother, Nathan, and his wife Monica for bringing up their kids in the church. They know about Jesus. They have an understanding about Him that some adults don't have. They have recently experienced loss (their dog, Halle) and then Grandma...who they called GiGi. I know that learning about Jesus and Heaven has really helped them to work through those emotions they have not yet had to experience.

It was such a precious moment. Pastor Dave (who is amazing) said they just couldn't hold her back, she so badly wanted to be baptized. It was really great to be in church this morning.

A few rows ahead of us was a little baby girl being held and she was facing backwards. Every time I looked her way, the tears welled up in my eyes. I keep thinking that I am fine about all of this, but moments like that show me that it's not really something I will ever be 100% fine about. I think I am becoming even more emotional about losing Faith now that I finally have the courage to try again. I think because now that I am ready (it took over a year) to travel that route that it should happen quickly while I am feeling brave. I want to say, "Hurry up,God, before I chicken out!" But, He so gently reminds me that it's his timing, not mine, and that no matter how I am feeling when it happens that He is so there for me.

Running Deep

Life has always proven itself to be unexpected to me. I never would have thought that I would be sitting here ... a few short weeks away from turning 31, on my second marriage, with no kids of my own and a 9 year old step-daughter(you really can't predict these things).

I have a lot of thoughts about my life that I don't share. Isn't that life though? The parts you show people and the parts you don't. It's not that I don't want to share all of me, I just can't. The same way that none of us can really truly ever share all that lies within is.

I think this blog is a pretty decent reflection of who I am. I run deep. I can't seem to write about regular daily occurrences (and believe me I want to). Life is so heavy to me. No matter how I appear on the outside, inside I am always taking it all in...weighing it, analyzing it, trying to find meaning in it.

I find it hard to let go, to seize the day. Now if letting go and seizing the day were on my to-do list and I could check it off - then, and only then I could probably manage it. This is not to say I don't have fun because I do. This is just to say that in the midst of having fun, there is always a big part of me that is somewhere else ... walking around inside of my non-letting go mind.

One of these days I'm really going to throw you off and write a blog about what I ate for breakfast...

What season is this?

Tonight I am thinking a lot about the beginning of Ecclesiastes Chapter 3.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

I am clearly in a season, but at this exact moment I am having trouble determining what season that might be.

Yesterday, I took my Dad to have a tumor removed from his bladder. He found out about it while my Grandma was dying. He will have the biopsy results in a few weeks. According to my google search (ha), bladder tumors in white men over 50 are more common and typically those tumors are non - cancerous. So, we'll go with that...I'm trying really hard for my mind to not automatically go to worst case scenario (which I have gotten really good at since losing our baby). The good news is that I can handle being in hospitals for long stretches of time, I am comfortable looking death in the eye, and I am somewhat okay with the fact that this life is fleeting. I am not really that happy about any of this, but am coming to the realization that there has been a huge loss of innocence in my life these past handful of years...and these things that I am now okay with are really muscles I've had to build to manage my earthly life. I try not to think about any one thing to long...like how my 8 year old nephew, CJ, has a terminal illness (Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy) or how his Grandma (my sis-in-law's mother) has bone cancer, or if I'll ever get to have my own child. I can't visit these places too long because it gets a little dark in there.
There is one bible verse that I rest in every time I find myself in that unlit cavern. This verse has saved me from being depressed and hopeless. This one small verse packs a perfect punch.

Colossians 3:2 "Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."

Such a simple yet powerful statement. Instant perspective.

I love reading. It's what I do. A shelf full of books equals happiness in my world. One day after feeling lost, I felt God's presence and I had this sense of knowing that I could read all the books in the world, but unless I read His book I would always be lost. The bible used to intimidate me, but now I hunger for it. Everything you ever need is in that book. I have not read it in its entirety. I don't read it like I read other books...from beginning to end. I just open it and that (very much alive) book speaks to me every single time. The more I read the bible, the more I find God. The less I read the bible, the less I find God. We are meant to use His book. It's a beacon.

After writing here tonight, I realized that when I look back on my life that this will be the season where I drew nearest to God. The season where I developed faith, trust, hope. Pretty words, but the boot camp to attaining them ain't no joke! The season where I haven't let a day pass without thinking about God. The relationship used to be like 'game on' ... 'game off' ... now it is strictly GAME ON! The season where I learned that no matter what happens here, everything really will be ok.

Joy in the Ordinary

"The joy of the LORD is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

At Grandma's funeral the Pastor spoke about how often people are summed up at the end of their lives by what they did for work, what activities they enjoyed, and what they were involved with. It was really very cool because he said that the only thing he felt that defined Her life was her relationship with God. I thought about how her mission was to have all over her loved ones love Jesus and have that relationship with Him. She was never pushy about it. She simply led by example.

I am thinking today about how often we are looking for the next thing to make us happy. Right now for me I feel that would be a baby and moving into Grandma and Grandpa's house. Certainly those would make me extremely happy, but I think I often make the mistake in thinking that I won't really truly be happy until I have that. And, if I keep thinking that way - it will be true.

I've been really attempting to find joy in the ordinary day the way my Grandma did. Every moment of every day was an occasion for her. She got it. She got joy because she didn't wait for the big stuff to be happy...

I've felt joyful this weekend. Yesterday, we took Emily to a pumpkin farm and bought pumpkins and went into a little haunted house they had there. I'm going to bake the pumpkin seeds. I've always wanted to do that. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in baking them. I might even wear one of Grandma's aprons. Tonight we're having Rob's parents over for dinner. I'm making chili. My first time. And, you know what? I am going to find joy in that - too. Afterwards, we're all going to go bowling. The local bowling alley is having $1 bowling for today's holiday (Columbus Day). And, you know what? Yep, you guessed it ... I am SO going to find joy in that.

You see...my Grandma's example is more alive in my heart today than it was when she was here. Her leaving has made me rethink a lot of things. I really, really believe that finding the joy in the ordinary day is the secret to loving life. There are a lot more ordinary days than big ones!

Ask

Last night I had about 20 minutes to myself. I took that precious time to read the bible and pray. I was feeling very lonely for Grandma. I was feeling lonely for God. I prayed to receive a sign that he was near and that she was with Him. Not because I need signs to believe, but because sometimes I just need a little something to keep going. My whole heart was in that prayer. The room was quiet (gosh, how I have missed quiet) and peaceful. Rob came home shortly after with Emily. He had the mail and asked me to come and sit down with him. There was a sympathy card from his Aunt Maryanne that he had just read. She inserted a picture that she took last weekend of the most beautiful rainbow that I have ever seen. There was so much purple in the rainbow (normally I never see purple). Purple was my Grandma's favorite color. On the back of the picture she wrote that she took the picture in Michigan (they were out of town for a family reunion) on get this ... Saturday, October 3rd. She wrote in the card that she "believes that God wants me to see the glimpse of what my Grandma is experiencing in His presence." Wow!

There is more ... I was very upset last week because by the time I went to get the News Sun to cut out Grandma's obituary - they were sold out. Yesterday, I received another card and it was from a good friend of mine's mom. In the card was my Grandma's obituary.

God is always near. But, He likes to be sought after. Grandma is in Heaven. We are vessels of His love. My prayer today is to be a vessel for others. Life gets so hectic and busy and it's really easy to be preoccupied with yourself and what you're dealing with. I am reminded in their thoughtfulness, that when I take the time to get outside of my head and really think about others...that I too can help God help someone else.

Search Me

This has been a big week in my life. I am thrilled that it is the weekend because I need some serious quiet time to wrap my head around all that has happened.

My Grandma had picked out scripture that she wanted read at her funeral. One of the readings was Psalms 139. I have been thinking a lot about this message since Wednesday after the Pastor had read it to us. Then, the other night I watched Joyce Meyer on t.v and her talk was on this exact Psalm! She was talking about how the little things we do (or don't do) really do matter. She used to never put her grocery cart back where it went and when she became right with the Lord, he would convict her of it until she finally began putting it back every single time. The moral of her story was that He pays attention to what we do when no one is looking (no matter how small we may think it is). This reminded me of a time (in the not so distant past) when Rob and I went to the movies. We snuck in our own drinks. I was so paranoid about it, it just didn't feel right. And, looking back it's because I was being convicted. I wouldn't have given the act that much thought a few years ago, but now that I am walking the narrow path it felt bad. I had a 16oz plastic bottle of diet coke. I didn't screw the top all the way back on and I ended up knocking it onto the floor (caused by my paranoia). The pop rolled under the seat of the guy in front of us and proceeded to spin around in circles under his chair. Pop was spraying from the floor all over him. I could have died. Rob got some napkins and apologized all over the place. I couldn't even speak.

When you decide to live your life His way, He really does help to teach you what that means (and sometimes He's really comical about it). Needless to say, Rob and I went on a movie date last night and we did not bring anything in...and I never will again.

On that note, I will leave you with the beginning verses of Psalms 139.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This was my Grandma's favorite bible verse. She went to be with the Lord, this morning, at 10:10am.

The details are hard, but necessary to write (for myself). Yesterday, I spent 13 straight hours at my Aunt's house just sitting. Sitting with Grandma, sitting with my family. I have done a lot of sitting. Sitting is different when you are near a deathbed. Time passes quickly in the room where she lay. I became addicted to the sitting. I couldn't look away from her for fear that I would miss the moment that He took her to be with Him. Lots of memorable conversations took place around that bed. There were a lot of tears...always a single box of kleenex being passed around the room. There was also laughter. Stories that I'd never heard, moments that will always be held near and dear to my heart.

Grandma was tense and clenching her teeth a lot yesterday. Her earthly body was agitated. It was hard to watch, but I kept watching. The hospice nurse called and said it was time for the morphine, it would calm her. But, it would also slow her heart. This was a big decision for my Dad and his 3 sisters...both of my Grandpa's died pretty quickly after the morphine was put into their systems. We all knew without having to say a word what this would mean. She made it through the night, we were all surprised (once again). But, I was so thrilled when I did not wake up to a dreadful phone call this morning. I knew then that I would have my wish of being with her when she passed. I called my mom and told her I was on my way and wanted to know what to expect. She told me that she was gasping for air and that it was close. I sat in the room and watched as she took those breaths. Every single one counted. The room was eerie. My Grandma has been on oxygen 24/7 for the past 3 or so years. My Dad asked us what we thought about taking it off (which I know was incredibly hard for him). Everyone agreed that it was prolonging her struggle. My mom (the brave one who is completely comfortable with doing dead people's hair) said that she would turn it off. As soon as she got up to go into the hallway to turn it off, my Grandma smiled her big beautiful smile. My mom missed it, but the rest of us didn't. It was confirmation to her children that what they were doing was good (because Lord knows it's not something that felt good). Not long after, her breathing slowed. And, then it stopped. We continued to sit. We sat with our tears. We sat with our relief that she is in a better place. We sat with each other... all thankful of having had her in our lives.

Something really cool happened before I left the house, this morning. I spotted the mail sitting on the table that Rob must have put there yesterday. And, of all things was a letter from Niha - the little girl in India (who shares Faith's birthday)that we are sponsoring through the Compassion Program. I wrote her a long, long time ago. I knew it would take awhile to receive a response because they tell you that up front. Of all days for me to read it. A coincidence? I don't believe in those. She drew and colored a picture of a mango! A translator introduced himself first and then wrote for her. She told me I was an angel sent by God for her life. I knew after I put the letter back into its envelope that God was near. And, I knew that today I would 'lose' my Grandma that I love so much. And, finally I knew that everything would be ok.


You can't help but travel deep within yourself when death of a loved one is just a breath away. I have all sorts of thoughts and feelings about this journey of 'losing' Grandma. But, today I just want to honor Her. Special, beautiful, lovely, precious, sweet, Grandma. I pictured her in Heaven surrounded by love and light. Not for the mere purpose of comforting myself...but, because I believe.

First Class Ticket To Heaven

Early last week my Grandma told Lettie (her Hospice bathing nurse) something about going next Friday (as in today) at 11:15 and there is a line. Lettie told my Aunt that if Grandma dies that day and especially at that time she is going to be "really spooked." We honestly didn't think Grandma would still be with us by today, so the "prediction" seemed like nonsense. But, here we are...Friday, October 2nd. I visited Grandma last night and she did wake up, she did see us, she did smile with her eyes...she couldn't talk. I yawned at one point (it was late for me) and she was trying to talk to me directly...every time she does that we all think she is going to say something profound so we quickly become silent (which is hard for us-ha!)...I couldn't understand, she kept repeating ... then, I tried really hard to read her lips and of all things she was asking me if I was tired. Oh Grandma! STILL concerned with her babies. She is so precious.

Last week, when Grandma could speak a little. She talked about seeing people that were dead. She saw her mom outside the window talking to Billy a neighbor she had when she was growing up (that her children didn't even know), she saw her Daddy...she saw her brother and sisters and her favorite cousin Alec. She also kept speaking of a man outside her window and what a gentleman he is. My mom was sitting with her one time and Grandma was sleeping, but looked lovely and was smiling. My mom said she never looked so good. Grandma woke up then and told my mom " well,that was a nice place to go." My mom asked her where she went and Grandma stopped talking and shut her eyes again. For those that do not believe in God, this might seem like the talk of a confused dying person. But, know that my Grandma is not in pain...she is not taking drugs (though morphine resides in a cabinet down the hall, if necessary). This is a woman who has lived her entire life for Jesus. And, she has been getting glimpses of Heaven. You see, as much as my Grandma loves Jesus...she loves living. She loves being here for all of the amazing moments and the ordinary ones - too. As much as she wants to go to Heaven...she doesn't want to miss anything here. So, they are calling her...her most important people are showing up. At one point Grandma said that her older sister (Clara) was holding flowers...waiting...my Grandma LOVES flowers. They are luring her towards them. As painful as it is to lose her, it has been an honor to watch her dip into her heavenly home. How blessed our family is to be able to witness this. It truly is a gift. Faith is believing without seeing...but, it sure is nice to 'see' sometimes! I feel like He is letting us see.

Last night I had a dream about my Grandpa (her husband). He was wearing a suit and looked beautiful....radiant, perfect. He was waiting for her and he told me that I was pregnant. I have asked God for many things over the years, but the only really big thing I asked for was that Grandma see my baby. When we 'lost' Faith last summer, the first thing that came to mind was that Grandma was not going to be alive to see my baby. But, God always has a plan and it's always better even if it hurts like hell. You see, I might be the only one without a child .... here. It took me a long time to realize that I have one waiting for Her. This is not quite how my prayer to God looked ... but, again I learned something valuable in our loss. He giveth, and he taketh...and there is a reason. Trusting God is HUGE. Of course I have moments of struggling with that, but I do trust Him. Trusting God is not something that just happened...it's something I had to experience.


This morning, I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that Grandma's going. Her blood pressure is low, her heart is not beating fast like it has been for the past few weeks, and after seeing her last night I know that Heaven has been waiting ever so patiently for her. I am going to be with my family. My heart can be no other place.