Happiness Is ...

my home smelling like freshly baked brownies & the perfect candle.
being caught up on the dishes & the laundry.
sleeping dogs sprawled out on the living room floor - exhausted from playing too hard.
country music coming from the kitchen radio.
catching a glimpse of a cardinal or woodpecker in the front yard (neither stay in one place too long).
a husband who makes life easier and loves me in all my imperfection.
friends who really do care.
seeing flowers in full bloom that weren't there yesterday.
the wonder of a baby boy moving around inside of me.
opening the windows in the house and letting the fresh air in.
scribblers popsicles.
being ok with myself, not because I've reached my highest self, but because I have learned (finally) to just be.
knowing that God does have a plan for my life and truly being able to trust Him.

My Shield

Memorizing a verse from the Bible is like having a shield in your pocket. There is nothing stronger than God's word. After we lost our baby, someone gave me an index card with Joshua 1:9 on it. She told me it got her through a similar hard time.

This is the verse that I have been hanging on to (some days easily, some days for dear life) during this entire pregnancy. This is the verse that will see me through to holding baby Eli. I have it written on a small piece of paper in my bathroom so that I can see it every morning while I am getting ready for my day. On the days when I am feeling anxious, fearful, worried (about anything) - I say this verse out loud. There is something powerful about saying God's word out loud ... even if you're by yourself, blowdrying your hair :) He is the center and bringing my perspective back to that center (rather than letting my fear take over and control me) is the key to transforming my world.

Today I started week 21. Oh, week 21 how I have longed to get to you, get past you - and still have my baby inside of me.

My shield is up. My Lord is with me. I am strong and courageous. I am not terrified nor discouraged. I KNOW He is with me. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

His Timing

I've questioned His timing over the years. I tried not to linger with that questioning for too long. I needed Him to know that I do have Faith...in Him, in what is meant to be for my life - for others lives.

I lost a baby girl (Faith Marie) at 21 weeks, August 22nd 2008. It hurt. I've wrote about it. I've talked about it. I've cried about it. I've been depressed about it. He gave me time to heal. Looking back now, I see that I needed that time. He knew all along. I held on to Him. Sometimes I found the holding on easy, other times I felt like I only had a small piece of Him and my grip was loose.

You see today I am 20 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I honestly had got to the point where I thought maybe having kids wasn't part of the plan for me. I couldn't imagine not having children of my own, but who am I to know God's path?

After 3 years and 3 months since 'losing' Faith, I became pregnant. Right after Nanny passed away. The timing felt good. For my mom (Nanny was her mother), for us, for my family.

I'm seeing a high risk group. I'm at the Drs. office every week (beginning at week 16). So far all is well. They are taking extra measures so that I do not go into pre-term labor again.

I do have a peace surrounding me that can only come through knowing the Lord. I have moments of fear that wash over me, but I know where to place them...in His hands. He doesn't mind. He's much bigger than me. Being pregnant is much easier than I imagined. I did not think I would be this calm about it. This trusting. This shows me how far I've walked. I am stepping out in Faith. Each morning, I read my daily devotional and think about God and how He has blessed Rob and I with this gift. Oh, and what a gift our baby is and will be! I only let myself see the end result...a baby that we can raise, together. A sweet little boy who will love dogs and 4-wheelers and tromping through the woods. Blonde, maybe. Freckles, maybe. The fun part is we have no idea. We just know he is in there, growing...becoming. And, He will be. Here.

Eli Mitchell is set to be born around August 7th. I already told him he is not allowed to show up on the scene much sooner than that!

I've always loved the name Eli and Mitchell was Grandma H's maiden name.

Praise God. I praise Him for this journey (and what a journey it has been).