I'm not even going to attempt to look for meaning in the fact that I broke my new bird bath...yes, the one I just purchased in memory of Faith! It didn't end up going in the garden because I deemed it too fragile. Instead I had it near our front porch. I was watering my many plants the other day and pulled the hose towards me and watched (in slow motion) as my beautiful glass bird bath smashed onto brick pavers. The only thing funny about this is that it's pretty typical behavior for me. For as careful as I am ... I am so not careful!
Yesterday Rob and I spent time clearing out the basement. We burned old furniture, donated items to the Salvation Army, and threw stuff out. It's such a big job. I should really take pictures documenting this adventure. I love my grandparents deeply, but there was not a lot of throwing away for them living through the depression and all. My grandma actually sewed her stockings. My generation loves to throw stuff away! Why? Because we can run to walgreens and pick up a new pair of pantyhose for less than $2 (and I think we all know that I don't know how to sew). Anyway, this is me just trying to convey that there is A LOT of stuff in the basement here. Rob has already laid claim over the entire basement. The infamous "Man Cave." I wonder what is going to be going on down there. He doesn't drink and he sure doesn't watch sports or play video games! I will let him have his space though. Mainly because I feel bad about the garage. Our last house (which we still own and rent out) had a 3 car garage! The garage was bigger than the house...obviously a man's doing!!! Now we have a small garage and a larger house. Rob is still not over the loss of his garage. Me...I moved out and never looked back. Sometimes I forget that we still own that house until James shows up with his rent check!
I've been reading some good books lately...books about thinking too much and about how we are what we speak. I have two re-occuring wishes....one of them is to get snowed in for a week. Where everything is shut down and everyone just knows that everything is shut down so no one is expecting to hear from you. The other is to have an entire day where I just feel present. Where I am not thinking Um,about anything except what I am doing and who I am with. A day where I really feel life moving though me.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Loved by God
God is most near in our suffering. Yes, he is always near...but, I always feel him the most in my pain. Sunday was actually a perfect day. It's hard to believe that it has been 2 years since we lost our baby girl. 2 years!!! Sunday morning I sat out on the swing that is in our front yard. The swing that is hanging from the strong oak tree. The swing that has always been hanging from that tree my entire life (or as far as I can remember). I noticed a beautiful orange & black butterfly on a nearby tree and went to look at it. I then realized there were 3 of them, the exact same kind. I watched as the butterflies flew straight into a swarm of bees who were eating some kind of tree sap. The bees actually left and the butterflies took over. I would have expected it to be the opposite. I felt like God was showing me something about life. The butterflies to me have always symbolized hope...and hope is gentle and fragile. But, hope is also incredibly strong. Even in the midst of a swarm of stinging bees!
We took Emily and her friend Cierra out to breakfast (I LOVE going out to breakfast, it's my favorite) and then made our annual trip to Menards so that I could purchase something for Faith's garden. My way of honoring her each year. It helps me to honor her existence. It helps me to heal. Anyway, the moment I saw the glass bird bath I knew that was it. There is a picture of it in my last post. The orange and black butterflies from that morning, the yellow butterfly who loves my hisop plant that I have many pictures of and then my blue dragonfly that I saw a few weeks ago when I was prayed over by Rob's mom, aunt and cousin (I could write an entire post about that experience).
The day continued to go well...I have never seen so many baby butterflies and a baby dragonfly. It was so strange (yet not) how everything was miniature...baby size. We did a lot of yard work that day and Emily at one point was like, "Kris, there are 5 butterflies following you." I felt so peaceful and so loved by God all day long.
Later on that night I had a really cool moment. The first thing you should know is that my Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. When she was dying at my aunt Margie's home, there was a hummingbird that was outside of her window constantly. The second thing you should know is that I NEVER see hummingbirds-ever. Around 5:00 that evening I just wanted a moment to myself so I went outside on the porch. I didn't end up putting the bird bath in the garden because it's too fragile so I put it near our front porch so we could enjoy its beauty each day. The next thing I know there is a hummingbird at my bird bath, a few short feet from me! I knew within my entire being that bird, at that exact moment, at my bird bath for Faith, was a gift from heaven.
True Faith is not needing the signs, but God knows when his children are down and he will "throw us a bone" (for lack of better wording) every now and then. I really felt that everything is alright. No matter how my baby journey goes, everything is as it should be.
I don't want a baby to make me whole. Wholeness, I continue to learn, can only come through knowing God. I want a baby because I have a lot of love to give and I think that Rob and I could really do great with raising a child together. And, I really, really hope that we are given that opportunity. But, I'll never make the mistake of thinking that anything (not even another person) can fill those empty places inside of me. God is the great void filler. God is everything.
Today, I am so grateful for the people in my life, the nature that surrounds me and most of all the hope that there is more than we see here.
We took Emily and her friend Cierra out to breakfast (I LOVE going out to breakfast, it's my favorite) and then made our annual trip to Menards so that I could purchase something for Faith's garden. My way of honoring her each year. It helps me to honor her existence. It helps me to heal. Anyway, the moment I saw the glass bird bath I knew that was it. There is a picture of it in my last post. The orange and black butterflies from that morning, the yellow butterfly who loves my hisop plant that I have many pictures of and then my blue dragonfly that I saw a few weeks ago when I was prayed over by Rob's mom, aunt and cousin (I could write an entire post about that experience).
The day continued to go well...I have never seen so many baby butterflies and a baby dragonfly. It was so strange (yet not) how everything was miniature...baby size. We did a lot of yard work that day and Emily at one point was like, "Kris, there are 5 butterflies following you." I felt so peaceful and so loved by God all day long.
Later on that night I had a really cool moment. The first thing you should know is that my Grandma LOVED hummingbirds. When she was dying at my aunt Margie's home, there was a hummingbird that was outside of her window constantly. The second thing you should know is that I NEVER see hummingbirds-ever. Around 5:00 that evening I just wanted a moment to myself so I went outside on the porch. I didn't end up putting the bird bath in the garden because it's too fragile so I put it near our front porch so we could enjoy its beauty each day. The next thing I know there is a hummingbird at my bird bath, a few short feet from me! I knew within my entire being that bird, at that exact moment, at my bird bath for Faith, was a gift from heaven.
True Faith is not needing the signs, but God knows when his children are down and he will "throw us a bone" (for lack of better wording) every now and then. I really felt that everything is alright. No matter how my baby journey goes, everything is as it should be.
I don't want a baby to make me whole. Wholeness, I continue to learn, can only come through knowing God. I want a baby because I have a lot of love to give and I think that Rob and I could really do great with raising a child together. And, I really, really hope that we are given that opportunity. But, I'll never make the mistake of thinking that anything (not even another person) can fill those empty places inside of me. God is the great void filler. God is everything.
Today, I am so grateful for the people in my life, the nature that surrounds me and most of all the hope that there is more than we see here.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A Poem for Faith
Sunday, August 22nd marked the 2 year anniversary of Faith going to heaven. I was inspired to write a poem, through many tears, this year as well.
Another year has passed
and I've shed less tears than the year before,
but somehow I'm stuck here waiting patiently
at this unopened door.
I've often wondered which hurts worse
the losing you
or the dream that has yet to come true.
I know that you reside in a better place
I know that someday I'll be blessed
to see your sweet face.
But, I'm here now
with Earth being my current home
and I long to hold a baby
that I can call my own.
I know you understand
that I have love to give
I know you understand
that in my heart
you'll always be my first kid.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Becoming Un-Blocked
Today I am going to get acupuncture done. I've been struggling BIG, lately...feeling anxious, afraid, fearful, hopeless. I can function well on the outside, I've always been good at that - but, inside it is clear that I am "unwell." I have had opportunities to master picking myself up, I will always pick myself up. I refuse to give in to these feelings (I am sure the Devil has been enjoying the spot I've been in).
One morning I was driving to work and I prayed to God to help me with these awful feelings that have been so incredibly strong. I really felt that they were taking a hold of me, strangling me. I told Him that I don't want to take anything for what has felt a lot like depression. I told Him that I want Him to come in and eject that crap right out of me. I want Him to be the one to transform my insides. Nothing else. Him alone. When you go to God whole-heartedly, He always responds because you are giving Him a really good environment to work in. That day that I prayed, he used someone that I hardly knew to pray over me. This person felt prompted to pray over me for peace (the opposite of being depressed). He used a person that I wasn't even sure about because He really wanted me to know it was Him working through her.
In addition to praying for help, I later prayed specifically for a path. I feel like there is something keeping me from becoming pregnant. I feel blocked. I can't explain it other than I am very in tune with my feelings and I just feel off balance inside my body. The day I prayed for a path, I talked in depth to Aunt Margie about her chiropractor who also does acupuncture (I've been researching this). Next thing you know I am on the phone with this Dr. (who by the way knew and loved my Grandma) and she is telling me how she has helped people who had trouble conceiving and also people who have had issues keeping their babies. SOLD!!! Stick needles in me lady, I'm not scared : ) I really think that the longer it takes to become pregnant, the harder my life gets. I do feel at peace with the loss (as much as I possibly can), but what I find to not be peaceful is the fact that everywhere I turn everyone has their own families. Mostly all of my cousins and friends have children of their own. I love my family, but I find myself dreading family get togethers. I really don't want to feel that way. We took Emily to the Dells for her 10th birthday recently and we really had a nice time, but I came home feeling worse! I didn't realize how affected I would be by the family waterpark we stayed at. I am sure I wasn't the only one there without kids of their own, but it sure seemed like it. This probably all sounds like self-pity, but it's not...I let myself feel down, and then I work through it. That is life. I won't ever just suck it up. I will feel, I will hurt, I will cry until I can't cry anymore. But, I will never ever give up. I will never give in to the sadness. I truly desire to be a vessel of God's love and how can I do that if I'm all sad and poor me?! So today I am fighting back. Today I am getting poked with needles so I can become unblocked and get on a different sort of path...one that hopefully involves having a baby of my own. I love all of these kids around me. They make me so happy. But, I really just want to be someone's mommy. I really just want that. Roxy is tired of me suffocating her. She is an animal. Poor girl :)
One morning I was driving to work and I prayed to God to help me with these awful feelings that have been so incredibly strong. I really felt that they were taking a hold of me, strangling me. I told Him that I don't want to take anything for what has felt a lot like depression. I told Him that I want Him to come in and eject that crap right out of me. I want Him to be the one to transform my insides. Nothing else. Him alone. When you go to God whole-heartedly, He always responds because you are giving Him a really good environment to work in. That day that I prayed, he used someone that I hardly knew to pray over me. This person felt prompted to pray over me for peace (the opposite of being depressed). He used a person that I wasn't even sure about because He really wanted me to know it was Him working through her.
In addition to praying for help, I later prayed specifically for a path. I feel like there is something keeping me from becoming pregnant. I feel blocked. I can't explain it other than I am very in tune with my feelings and I just feel off balance inside my body. The day I prayed for a path, I talked in depth to Aunt Margie about her chiropractor who also does acupuncture (I've been researching this). Next thing you know I am on the phone with this Dr. (who by the way knew and loved my Grandma) and she is telling me how she has helped people who had trouble conceiving and also people who have had issues keeping their babies. SOLD!!! Stick needles in me lady, I'm not scared : ) I really think that the longer it takes to become pregnant, the harder my life gets. I do feel at peace with the loss (as much as I possibly can), but what I find to not be peaceful is the fact that everywhere I turn everyone has their own families. Mostly all of my cousins and friends have children of their own. I love my family, but I find myself dreading family get togethers. I really don't want to feel that way. We took Emily to the Dells for her 10th birthday recently and we really had a nice time, but I came home feeling worse! I didn't realize how affected I would be by the family waterpark we stayed at. I am sure I wasn't the only one there without kids of their own, but it sure seemed like it. This probably all sounds like self-pity, but it's not...I let myself feel down, and then I work through it. That is life. I won't ever just suck it up. I will feel, I will hurt, I will cry until I can't cry anymore. But, I will never ever give up. I will never give in to the sadness. I truly desire to be a vessel of God's love and how can I do that if I'm all sad and poor me?! So today I am fighting back. Today I am getting poked with needles so I can become unblocked and get on a different sort of path...one that hopefully involves having a baby of my own. I love all of these kids around me. They make me so happy. But, I really just want to be someone's mommy. I really just want that. Roxy is tired of me suffocating her. She is an animal. Poor girl :)
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