(written for August 22nd, 2011 - 3yr. anniversary of Faith)
Three years to the day,
we had to let you go,
to our Father in Heaven
Master of the show.
He brought me to my knees
and continues to keep me there.
It may seem cruel to some
but, I know He hears my every prayer.
"He giveth and He taketh,"
and this I have come to understand.
I won't disect His purpose,
I feel Him carry me in this sand.
It's true that I long to be a mother
to someone living here on Earth.
It's also true that I desire to be His daughter
the one who knew me before my birth.
I'll pick up my cross daily.
and at times I'll set it down.
For this burden feels awful heavy
but, my desire is for the crown.
I have on occassion been given the opportunity to witness for Christ. I have been able to tell people that losing Faith brought me on a true Faith journey with the Lord. A sacrifice if you will. One that I did not get to choose, one that I would not have chose. But, only He knows what we can handle and only He knows how to get us right where He wants us. He has me, He has my attention. And, I love Him.
Year one was so devastating. So many feelings and emotions to wade through. A deep, deep sense of loss. This was the year of resting in the Lord.
Year two was different. I was ready to "try" for another baby and it just wasn't happening. And, that brought upon different feelings and emotions to swim through. This was the year of trusting in the Lord.
Year three. Oh, the year of Hope. I've sat at His feet. I've trusted His plan. And, I've gave my shot at Hope. Hope that yes, I am meant to be someone's mommy. I've done a lot of Plan B'ing this year. Life without children of my own...got another dog (Oh, how I love my Molly pup-she has truly brought me Joy, I needed her), lost weight and have developed a healthier lifestyle, have read more books than ever! Focusing on all sorts of things ... unrelated to having a baby. This is good, people would say. Get your mind off of it. Don't think about it and it will happen, etc. To be honest, I'm having a hard time with the hoping. But, I am trusting (I can do that one) that He knows my heart.
I really just want to release it all. Like a butterfly that I've been holding tightly in the palm of my hand, I want to open my hand and let her fly.
