...because you ask not. The last time my growth group (through church) met was before Christmas. There were only 3 of us and the Pastor who leads our group. It was a very emotional night. Less really is more. I love when a lot of people show up, but it's definitely more intimate when there are just a few of us, especially when the other 2 people are the ladies that I love dearly and sit next to in church on Sunday mornings.
Dennis started our time together with this question, "how can we pray for you?" and so I asked that they pray for my Nanny (mom's mom who just moved in with my parents...diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease). This family is never at a loss for people to pray for and it's alright because it keeps us close to the Lord. At the end of our session, Dennis noted that we do not ask for prayers for ourselves. This really struck a chord with me and I got super emotional. I told them that I find it very hard to ask them to pray for me. Dennis (who has been a Pastor for many, many, many years) said that is not unusual. While I was sitting there I realized something very important. I have never asked God for a baby. I have been prayed over, prayed for. I have read the bible, gone to church, joined a small group, met with my Dr., started taking nutritional supplements, wrote in my journal. But, I have never actually went to God wholeheartedly and asked Him.
I broke down at group that night because I learned that I am afraid to ask Him for that. I didn't want to ask the group for what I wanted for fear of it happening! Crazy, right?! I want a baby, but I don't really. Actually, I want a baby - but, I don't want to lose a baby. Going through that once is one thing. But, now that I know just because you get pregnant doesn't mean you're going to have a baby - I am simply afraid.
But, something happened at Church yesterday. I never stand up for the worship part of the service (and I sit in the FRONT row). I promised myself that no matter how I felt about standing up during worship that I would make myself stand up. So, I did. And, it definitely felt more powerful. I am always into it, but yesterday I was totally into it. The sermon was amazing...all about how we're made for so much more and how we really need to believe in each other to become all that God wants us to be. But, before the sermon something happened inside of me. The floodgates opened and I sobbed before the Lord (thank goodness the music is loud and the lights were dim). And, I asked...I begged...and I pleaded. And, in that moment I just knew...I knew that I would not have to adopt 30 dogs to be happy. I knew that I would not need to travel far away to "get" a baby to become a mother. Because He is going to provide. He is taking His time with me because not everybody is made to jump right back in the saddle again. He knows I am someone who needs lots of time to work things out. He wants my heart to be ready. And, truthfully I don't know that my heart will ever be 100% ready - but, He reminds me ... one step at a time. And, it may be my step in the sand or it may be His...but, either way we're moving forward.
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