He's Just Right Here

So, I did end up getting my Faith tattoo. It was something that I had to do. She will always be alive in my heart, but I needed her to be remembered beyond myself. She happened. She lived - inside of me. And, now in Heaven with her big daddy. After I gave birth to her (knowing she wasn't coming home with us) I felt like a damn warrior. I couldn't believe I was capable of delivering a child under those conditions (not that I had a choice, of course). I wanted to be marked. I want future children and grandchildren to know that she came and she went and she will always be. Most of the time I feel alone with our loss. Not because others don't care, but because I am the only one that felt her. I want the world to know about this little tiny baby that altered my heart. I am a woman who understands the dark night of the soul. And, I am stronger. I no longer think of Jesus as intangible. He is SO within reach. One day at the salon I was talking to an older client named Irene (who just turned 90). I was telling her about how I've been starting each day with a bible study and devotional and how amazing it is that by the time I am halfway through the day all the 'good work' I've done manages to unravel itself. She said something that I will never (as in NOT EVER) forget. Irene said, "Honey, you're making it so hard." "All you have to do is stop and just remember, that he is just right here." She put her hand over her heart when she said that...and I got the point. I can't tell you how many times I've just had to stop myself and say (in my head)..."he is just right here." To me that means everything is ok. Everything is as it should be. Whether it hurts or not. The thing about Irene is that she is 90. And, she is always smiling and it turns a light on inside of me every time I see her. She has not been defeated by life. And, she has been through lots of heartache herself. She is not smiling because she has lived a long life free of pain. She is smiling because she knows Him. She knows that he is always there. And, that my friends is something to smile about.