Early last week my Grandma told Lettie (her Hospice bathing nurse) something about going next Friday (as in today) at 11:15 and there is a line. Lettie told my Aunt that if Grandma dies that day and especially at that time she is going to be "really spooked." We honestly didn't think Grandma would still be with us by today, so the "prediction" seemed like nonsense. But, here we are...Friday, October 2nd. I visited Grandma last night and she did wake up, she did see us, she did smile with her eyes...she couldn't talk. I yawned at one point (it was late for me) and she was trying to talk to me directly...every time she does that we all think she is going to say something profound so we quickly become silent (which is hard for us-ha!)...I couldn't understand, she kept repeating ... then, I tried really hard to read her lips and of all things she was asking me if I was tired. Oh Grandma! STILL concerned with her babies. She is so precious.
Last week, when Grandma could speak a little. She talked about seeing people that were dead. She saw her mom outside the window talking to Billy a neighbor she had when she was growing up (that her children didn't even know), she saw her Daddy...she saw her brother and sisters and her favorite cousin Alec. She also kept speaking of a man outside her window and what a gentleman he is. My mom was sitting with her one time and Grandma was sleeping, but looked lovely and was smiling. My mom said she never looked so good. Grandma woke up then and told my mom " well,that was a nice place to go." My mom asked her where she went and Grandma stopped talking and shut her eyes again. For those that do not believe in God, this might seem like the talk of a confused dying person. But, know that my Grandma is not in pain...she is not taking drugs (though morphine resides in a cabinet down the hall, if necessary). This is a woman who has lived her entire life for Jesus. And, she has been getting glimpses of Heaven. You see, as much as my Grandma loves Jesus...she loves living. She loves being here for all of the amazing moments and the ordinary ones - too. As much as she wants to go to Heaven...she doesn't want to miss anything here. So, they are calling her...her most important people are showing up. At one point Grandma said that her older sister (Clara) was holding flowers...waiting...my Grandma LOVES flowers. They are luring her towards them. As painful as it is to lose her, it has been an honor to watch her dip into her heavenly home. How blessed our family is to be able to witness this. It truly is a gift. Faith is believing without seeing...but, it sure is nice to 'see' sometimes! I feel like He is letting us see.
Last night I had a dream about my Grandpa (her husband). He was wearing a suit and looked beautiful....radiant, perfect. He was waiting for her and he told me that I was pregnant. I have asked God for many things over the years, but the only really big thing I asked for was that Grandma see my baby. When we 'lost' Faith last summer, the first thing that came to mind was that Grandma was not going to be alive to see my baby. But, God always has a plan and it's always better even if it hurts like hell. You see, I might be the only one without a child .... here. It took me a long time to realize that I have one waiting for Her. This is not quite how my prayer to God looked ... but, again I learned something valuable in our loss. He giveth, and he taketh...and there is a reason. Trusting God is HUGE. Of course I have moments of struggling with that, but I do trust Him. Trusting God is not something that just happened...it's something I had to experience.
This morning, I woke up to a phone call from my mom telling me that Grandma's going. Her blood pressure is low, her heart is not beating fast like it has been for the past few weeks, and after seeing her last night I know that Heaven has been waiting ever so patiently for her. I am going to be with my family. My heart can be no other place.
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